We've curated our weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news!
We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Very Important News!
According to the article, Sydney says she has “no problem” with getting nekkid and has “become very confident” in doing nude scenes on screen. Sweeney, an honorable mention in the 2023 Most Talked About Milkers Division, went on to say that she "won’t stop doing" nude scenes but wishes that "there was an easier way to have an open conversation about what we’re assuming about actors."
Ms. Sweeney has earned legend status at the ripe age of only 26 for a reason - she's a fucking fourth-wave-feminist hero. A Lactoid Luminary who is standing athwart purple-haired communists and saying 'I'm hot, I like being hot and I'm not going to let you land whales stop me from getting (tastefully) nekkid in movies.'
How hot is Sydney Sweeney? Well, Glen Powell says he couldn't look at Sweeney 'the same way' after filming a nude shower scene with her for Anyone But You. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't THAT spicy, can it?
Oh . . . really? Hmph. Damn. That is pretty spicy.
I have a controversial take here - I think that scene is more difficult for the man than the woman. As a man, I would think you'd have to find a way to secure your (erect) member (p*nis) to your leg to avoid unintentionally (and yet, unavoidably) bruising her torso. That's a half-roll of duct tape scenario, at minimum.
And what if you have a wife or girlfriend? How do you explain to her that you're going to spend the better part of a day being pressed up against naked Sydney Sweeney and her giant, wet, All-Natural-Num-Nums?
What happens when your wife asks 'Do you think Sydney is pretty?' To maintain any level of credibility, you'd have to acknowledge to your spouse that Sweeney is at least somewhat attractive and then follow that up with 'but not as pretty as you, babe!' to try and save your marriage. But all parties involved would know that was a lie. You'd have that lie hang around your relationship until death or divorce.
That's not easy, folks. I'm sorry for questioning you, Glen Powell. You're right, you are the victim here.
National Review: Miss America, Second Lieutenant
What's that? National Review is writing about the sexy Air Force Officer who won the Miss America pageant. Whooooooa, they must be a sm*t blog!
I mean, according to you scumbags, a writer (such as myself) cannot report on the trials, tribulations, and/or triumphs of beautiful (sometimes busty) women without being the modern-day equivalent of Larry Flynt!
Sorry, National Review, it doesn't matter that Madison Marsh is an active-duty Air Force officer with a degree in physics. It doesn't matter that Lieutenant Marsh is a two-time National Astronaut Scholar who has interned at NASA. It doesn't matter that this Fort Smith, Arkansas, Smokeshow is the first active military member to win Miss America.
Unfortunately for you, Madison Marsh is an attractive human female, so that means you're a sm*t blog. Don't get mad at me, National Review, I'm not calling you a sm*t blog, I don't think you are one . . . but I don't make the rules! Focus your frustration on the haters and losers (of which there are many).
Folks, , , , perseverance is an important life skill. If you stub your toe, do you roll over die? Sure, you may cry a little bit and ask your wife to hold you for a little bit, but you do not roll over and die. That's what losers do.
The same goes for getting arrested. Being charged with a crime can be a life-destroying event - if you allow it to be. Hunter Biden was charged with nine federal tax offenses and that guy is painting, allegedly living at the White House, and (probably) continuing to take photos of his dong in various exotic poses. Hunter Biden has not allowed a stupid arrest to destroy his life.
The woman at the heart of this story has, likewise, turned lemons into lemonade. She didn't look at her arrest for (allegedly) reckless driving as a tragedy, she took her arrest for (allegedly) reckless driving as an opportunity to launch a career as a social media influencer. According to the article, this speed racing smokeshow is a "Botox and filler girl!" who shops at Target and occasionally uses "L’Oreal skin tint [and] Dr. Jart" to help make her skin look top-notch. This is good advice for all of us who may, one day, find ourselves in front of a grainy precinct camera.
Most importantly, this fast and furious fashionista said that her personality is one where she tries “to turn everything into a positive" - which, yeah, because that's what winners do.
It could be that, after writing T.I.T.S for almost a year, my standards (and brain) have now become warped . . . but I don't think her outfit is all that inappropriate for an office. You can argue that the boots are a little bit much and the dress might be a bit too high above the knee, I suppose. Sure she's showing a smidgen of cleave, but she's not dumping the girls out for public display.
My best guess is that nobody told her that her dress made her 'look like a stripper' and she is just being a bit performative for internet clout and adoration. This is not an uncommon strategy. Many such cases.
Ladies, , , you know better than me on this one. Is her dress too 'stripper-ish' for an office setting? Fellas, your input here is valid too. Comment below with your thoughts, if you would.
I can't lie here, when I read the headline it said that this Latinx MILF learned 'the hard way' that her leggings were unsuitable for leg day . . . I was expecting a much more embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.
I thought we were going to see a seam burst and some cheeks. What we got was, at best, a 'no big deal' level of wardrobe malfunction. I'm not even sure if you can call it a wardrobe malfunction. Apparently, you can see the top of her underwear through the back of her "booty scrunch" leggings. If she hadn't called attention to that fact, I don't think anyone would've noticed.
This is ok. I am happy for this wise Latinx mom that she didn't suffer from a more embarrassing moment. I am proud that she realized that these leggings might not be appropriate gym attire. Those are all good things. Good for her.
But, it would've been fun (spice of life type fun - not pervert, smut type fun) to see a seam burst on those leggings. Again, for her sake, I'm glad that didn't happen - just saying that it would've been pretty comical if it had happened.
As an asside (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes), what do you think of those Latinx Lady Lumps, Al Pacino from Heat?
Yeah, I think we all could've guessed you'd feel that way, Al Pacino from Heat. And I agree with you. It's a pretty great bum, especially for a mother of three. Good for her! It just would've been cool if . . . oh, nevermind.
Important News!
Donald Trump: dominated the Iowa Caucus.
There is no way to spin this other than Trump shit-pumped the rest of the field and is going to win the GOP Nomination. You can look for some fascinating tidbits on the edges, but for 2024 - this race looks over.
For some of you, this is great news. You love Trump and you can't see why anyone would support a candidate other than the guy who fights and is currently being unfairly persecuted by Biden's corrupt justice department (and corrupt DAs in Georgia and NY, among others I might have forgotten about). I don't necessarily share your views, but I do appreciate them. That's where the GOP is right now.
For some of you, this is terrible news. You think Trump is a hypocritical buffoon that is leading the GOP down a path of electoral ruin in 2024. You can't see how anyone could support Trump because he's unelectable to large swaths of the country. I don't necessarily share your views, but I do appreciate them. To you, I would say that, yeah, well . . . we will see, but there is no point in letting it drive you crazy or make you cynical.
I don't know what will happen in November, but we're going to see a re-match of 2020 and I hope Donald Trump is capable of making this election about 2024. Give voters a chance to think about the last four years under Joe Biden: his economy and his policies. Most people don't follow politics. Most people don't want to hear the continued re-litigation of the 2020 election. Stay on message.
I'll leave this section with one final thought - Ron DeSantis has not been a good Governor of Florida, he's been a GREAT Governor of Florida. I don't agree with the accepted narrative that DeSantis ran a "terrible" campaign. He ran a fairly decent campaign against an American obsession. No campaign was going to unseat Donald J. Trump in 2024 because Republican voters are not ready to let go of Donald Trump. This was the gamble DeSantis took by throwing his hat in the ring and ultimately why he's not going to be our next president.
If you are the type of Trump supporter who is over-enthused by the "death of DeSantis' political career", then I posit to you that you do so at your peril. DeSantis is one of the most effective Republican executives in a generation. DeSantis is part of the future of this movement. DeSantis is worth keeping.
Stop stepping on rakes. Get over yourselves.
According to the article, Congressman Bowman, among eight others, has proposed a bill that will "prompt the federal government to spend $14 trillion on a reparations program that would support the descendants of enslaved Black people and people of African descent." The bill cites "scholars" who estimate that the United States profited from over 222 Trillion hours of slave labor over 246 years (of course, starting from the year 1619 through 1865), which would be valued at over 97 trillion dollars today.
When you think about it that way, $14 trillion sounds like a huge bargain! But still, no thanks.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Monday: Happy Lee-Jackson Day!; Trump (Predictably) Wins Big in Iowa; MSNBC (Predictably) Melts Down on Air and (Insert Hillbilly Joke Here)
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares news from Kentucky, where a Republican lawmaker has proposed a bill that would: "redefine sex with a first cousin so it would no longer qualify as an act of incest"
Not doing much to dispel stereotypes, are we, Kentucky?
Animal Magnetism: Animal’s Hump Day News
The one in which Animal shared with you that he and Mrs. Animal are into anime:
Have to admit, I would not have guessed that.
David Thompson: Just Like Us, You Say
The one where David shares his thoughts on how professional criminals are not just like the rest of us:
"To claim that the kinds of creatures who do these things repeatedly, often gleefully, are just like the rest of us – only more oppressed – is farcical and perverse. And a tad insulting."
This is the conclusion of his article. To appreciate the full breadth of his argument, I encourage you to read the whole thing. It's good.
Important Sports News!
The NFL Playoffs: my predictions for the final eight.
I am going on the record for how I think the remainder of the NFL Playoffs will unfold. I feel fairly certain that these predictions are going to be hilariously wrong - but where's the fun in being safe?
I want to highlight two of my predictions for further discussion.
First, yes, I think the Texans are going to upset the Ravens on Saturday. The Texans are so young and dumb that I don't think they realize they shouldn't be winning playoff games yet. I also think that the Ravens' style of play doesn't translate well to the playoffs. Lamar Jackson has a 1-3 record, a 3:5 TD-to-INT ratio, and a 55.8% completion percentage in the playoffs. The Ravens starters have not played a game since December 31st and might be rusty enough to allow C.J. Stroud to punch them in the mouth early on and pull off the upset.
The other game I want to highlight is the Niners vs Packers. I think the Niners (and Flappr Endorsed All-American Boy, Brock Purdy) are going to win the Super Bowl, but this game gives me concerns. Jordan Love, to my great dismay, does not suck. Love and the Packers' offense is real fucking hot right now and somehow, their defense is pretty fucking good too. Like the Ravens, most of the Niners starters haven't played a game in three weeks. Here, I am betting on the Niners roster being exponentially better than the Packers and Kyle Shanahan being so laser-focused on winning a Super Bowl that he will have his guys ready to play.
But if they stumble, the Packers will win. The Packers will then beat whoever comes out of the Bucs/Lions match-up, reach the Super Bowl, and win the whole damn thing. This will destroy me. So, please, Brock Purdy, beat the Packers, yeah?
JA-RED Goff: this fucking cool.
Jared Goff took Sean McVay the Rams to the Super Bowl. Then Jared Goff went through some struggles with his play on the field and Sean McVay traded Jared Goff to Detroit (plus draft picks) for Matthew Stafford. McVay humiliated Goff on his way out the door.
The Rams, with Stafford, won the Super Bowl in 2022. Everybody thought Goff was going to be a seat warmer for the Lions. The media loved to shit on Jared Goff. Then Goff played well enough in his first year as a Lion to earn a second year. Last year, he started lighting shit up. He played even better this year and on Sunday, he led the Detroit Lions to a playoff win against Sean McVay and the team that traded him. It was the first Lions playoff win since 1991.
Watch the video posted above. How cool is that? Good for Jared Goff. Fairytale shit.
Jerry Thornton | Barstool Sports: Billy Mitchell, the Most Feared Arcade Game Champion of All Time, Has Had All His Records Reinstated
If you've never watched The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, then you absolutely should find time to watch it this weekend.
It's the story of two men, one of them a cuck, and Billy Mitchell, the bad boy of arcade gaming. My words cannot do justice to the legend of Billy Mitchell and his true Alpha Male personality. The dude is hardcore about arcade games, his hair, his ties, and generally just being a fucking winner.
I was not aware that Billy had been stripped of his records, but it does not shock me that he would hire a guy to perform forensic analysis to have his Donkey Kong scores re-instated. Why? Because he's Billy Mitchell and that's what winners do.
The King (of Kong) has returned, folks.
Jay Cutler was a legendary anti-hero on the field and appears to be a genuinely good dude off the field. While he was the quarterback of the Bears, he had a well-earned reputation for being irascible and kind of a dick. But what most didn't know was that he routinely donated his time and money to local charities. After learning that he had Type-1 diabetes, he started the Jay Cutler Foundation to help children learn to manage and live with diabetes. He's actually (probably) a good dude.
So it's no shock to me that he would agree to help widows of fallen Navy SEALS find a bit of happiness during a difficult time of their lives. This is actual king shit. I'm also sure that the recently divorced Cutler did not care that the participants of this program just happened to be very attractive-looking MILFs.
I will never stop rooting for you, Jay Cutler. Please run for president one day.
The last time we checked in with Breckie Hill, she was trying to corrupt Chicago Blackhawks' wunderkind, Connor Bedard. I am glad to see that she has abandoned that idea and has returned to posting elite-level thirst on Instagram.
Much has been made of Breckie Hill's rivalry with LSU Gymnast Olivia Dunne. Yet, Hill is not a college athlete, so she does not fit well within the class of NIL-eligible college social media influencers and, accordingly, the 'rivalry' has always seemed a poor fit for my tastes. No, I would say that Breckie is more properly categorized alongside Kayla Simmons and Mikayla Demaiter in a class of athletes turned social media thirst mavens.
That makes more sense, right? Breckie should start a rivalry with those ladies. It's just more logical than saying she has a rivalry with Livvy Dunne. No, none of this makes any sense, but it's entertaining.
Speaking of Livvy . . .
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: After serving a suspension last week for failing to cover Mikayla Demaiter's Nippled-Netkeeper-Nukes, BSO returns with a headline that could not be more literal. Yes, that's LSU Gymnast, Livvy Dunne. Yes, she dropped thirst traps. Yes, she's 'showing off her backside while posing in the snow in Utah'. That folks, is a very literal BSO headline.
Glad to have them back in the fold.
Very Important Meme of the Week
Flappr's Chief Legal Correspondent, @jarvis_best, is admittedly "the worst person [he's] ever met". He has an ego and he's kind of a penis so I do despise giving him plaudits - but he deserves them here.
This tweet did NUMBERS (126K likes and over 7 million impressions!). Even fucking Sulu thought it was a banger.
It is the perfect tweet. A mix of topical, apolitical, and relatable, it involves stereotypes (which everyone loves) and it is generally just fucking funny. This is the type of tweet that you share with friends that you don't talk politics with and friends that you do talk politics with. This tweet transcends genres. This is the type of tweet that escapes the bubble and goes super viral.
So good. 10/10. Jarvis still sucks.
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