Guess who's back, back again! Out of retirement yet again to grace the pages of Flappr with everyone's favorite tits tradition - Major League Boobage. As I sit here in the year of our Lord 2023, I couldn't help but take a trip down mammary lane and reflect on the original pitch session to the editors a few years back.
It went something like this...
"Every year people will come to Flappr for reasons they cannot fathom. They click the link, not knowing for sure why they are doing it. They arrive at the homepage as innocent as teenage boys, longing for a gaze at female human breasts.
America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But breasts have marked the time.
These Bewitching Button-Busters, these Pillowy Pyramids of Persuasion. . . they are part of our past, Bart. It reminds us all of what was once good and could be again. Oh, people will 'come' Bart, people will most definitely come."
And without further ado, let us present Flappr's 2023 Milkers of the Year Award...
Rookie of the Year Division
Reigning Champ: (N/A - Inaugural Award)
For the first time, Flappr is considering newcomers to the girthy gland game in their own category - Rookie of the Year. Some Freshman Fabric Fillers. Gorgeous Greenhorn Globes. Amateurs with Ample Assets (Triple As).
Okay, I'll stop. Onto the award...
Winner: TMFINR Lady (Tiffany Gomas)
Was there ever any doubt that the 2023 ROTY was going to be the most mysterious woman in America? TMFNIR burst onto the scene this summer wearing a fitted black tank in a now infamous viral video accusing a hooded man on an American Airlines flight ("that motherfucker") of not being real. What was she seeing? A lizard person? Something worse? We instantly fell for TMFINR's Hallucinatin' Honkers, and the rest was history. After remaining elusive for some time, she finally revealed her identity on Twitter some months later as Tiffany Gomas with some question if she was real. But the only thing that really matters is that they are real, and they're spectacular!
ROTY Honorable Mention: Brett Cooper and Chelsea Clinton
Brett: It wouldn't be Milkers of the Year award season without giving some love to a chick who looks exactly like Ben Shapiro. Its tradition at this point. Often dressing casually, you might miss that the 22-year-old Daily Wire star is packing some heat. Blouse Bunny Brett could be poised for a long illustrious career in the milker industry.
Chelsea: I know what you are saying - wtf are you thinking? Sure, this is not my proudest moment but let us not forget that Ghislaine Maxwell won MOTY in 2021 and the cross-dressing Canadian shop teacher with cartoonishly gigantic fake breasts made an appearance last year. When you consider the storied history of this award, including the Butterface-Bazongas of Hillary's spawn starts to make some sense. A 43-year-old rookie, lurking in wait, now becomes a Roy Hobbs like figure in this year's awards.
Be honest, you were taken aback by those Horse-Faced Howitzers, weren't you?
Dishonorable Mentions: Trans White House Flasher Dude
We're not sharing the photo. We don't know its name. We don't want to know its name. We do know that it flashed its Disgraceful Deceivers at the White House in a blatant attack on the People's House. Disgusting.
IBTC Division
Reigning Champ: Tulsi Gabbard
The Itty Bitty Titty Committee Division makes a comeback this year to honor ladies with Fair Sized Feeders and/or Bantam Weight Buttercups. These Humble Honeydew Headrests deserve love too!
Winner: Anna Paulina Luna
Picking up the Milker Mantle from fellow House member Tulsi Gabbard, this spicy Tampa Temptress takes home the 2023 IBTC Division crown. Perhaps best known for (accurately) comparing Hillary Clinton to herpes and being a strong ally of President Trump, she also boasts some top-quality Florida Oranges (or maybe they are more like clementines). Sometimes you don't need Massive Montezuma Maracas to get the job done!
Honorable Mentions: Riley Gaines and Princess Ingrid of Norway
Riley: Quite good timing considering the recent online freak-out over the conservative ladies' calendar dropping for 2024. Ms. Gaines is a former college swimming star from Kentucky who rose to prominence in conservative circles for voicing her displeasure with dudes hanging dong in the girls' locker room. If a lady has any prayer of beating biological dudes in the pool she needs to remain aerodynamic by way of Pygmy Peepers, making Riley's Lilliputian Lactoids a true contender amongst the IBTC competition.
Princess Ingrid: Who even knew there was a Norwegian Royal Family? Ingrid's Norse-Nippled-NumNums just edged out fellow Scandinavian Smokeshow, Greta Thunberg for Honorable Mention status (Editor's Note: This is a joke. This is not true).
Most Talked About Milkers Division
Reigning Champ: Nancy Pelosi
The MTAM Division is for Milkers that, regardless of quality, capture the national discourse. These are the Milkers that storm onto the scene one day and then reappear in memes week after week after week after week.
Winner: Lauren Boebert
It brings us great joy to award this victory to the current Queen of the House. No, not George Santos. We are, of course, referring to the most Bodacious Shoulder Boulders of Boulder, Colorado - Congresswoman Lauren Boebert.
Shortly after Labor Day, Ms. Boobert (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes) was kicked out of a theatrical production of "Beetlejuice" for (allegedly) getting too handsy with her date, vaping, and singing during the show.
Throwing it back to high school with a little over-the-pants action, this dude was going to town on Lauren's Grand Junction Jaw-Droppers. And with the release of one hidden camera video, a star was born and Republicans became the cool kids in Congress. Lauren Boebert's Plentiful Pueblo Party Pummelos are the rack that launched a million memes (and probably . . . other things). For that reason, she is the clear winner of MTAM Division.
MTAM Honorable Mention: Sydney Sweeney and Krysten Sinema
Sydney: Denying Miss Sweeney the top spot was extremely difficult for me. This 26-year-old Sweater-Stretching Star of the Silver Screen truly has it all - the acting ability of a young Marlee Matlin and the most Tantalizing Tig Ol Bitties in Tinseltown. Sure, HBO's Euphoria is a disgusting culture-degrading perversion (unlike the classy smut this publication puts out), but we cannot blame our Perky Princess for that. We fully expect that Sweeney's Heart-Pounding Hindenburgs will lead her to awards in future editions of this blog.
Krysten: The Arizona Senator, referred to by many (just me?) as the Switch-Hitting Super Mamio Sister (goes both ways), left the Democrat Party and will be running in 2024 as an independent. Tracking Krysten's quirky fashion choices and how she outfitted her Grand Canyons was one of the only uplifting stories this past year.
Senior Sandbag Circuit
Reigning Champ: (N/A - Inaugural Award)
Two years in a row, Nancy Pelosi's absurd Pendulous Paleolithic Pleasure Palloncinos (balloons) made their way into our MOTY blog. Fortunately, Nancy's Elder Earmuffs did not make the cut this year, BUT her persistent boobery has inspired the creation of a new division - the Senior Sandbag Circuit. These Elizabethan Era Erector Perfectors prove that . . . men really are filthy creatures.
Winner: Martha Stewart
Full disclosure: the MOTY selection committee was prepared to give this award to Susan Sarandon until Martha Stewart posted a last-second tiddy thirst trap on December 30th. This is the first time in MOTY history that a nominee was able to sway the judges in the last week of voting.
Prior to that, Stewart had earned honorable mention consideration from her 'holy shit, look at this sexy old broad' photoshoot for the 2023 SI Swimsuit Edition. A convicted felon and renowned maker of all things homemade and unnecessary, this 81-year-old turned heads of all ages with her Octogenarian Orbs. I unironically showed them to my friends and expressed an emphatic "would". You can just imagine how that went. Uncultured swine...I will not apologize!
Honorable Mention: JK Rowling and Susan Sarandon
JK: The author of the world-famous Harry Potter series has come under attack from the radical Left for her controversial belief that men are not women. But one thing that isn't controversial (at least as far as Flappr is concerned) is that this fire-crotched cougar has cast her ERECTO PETRONUM spell on men far and wide. At age 58, this TERF with Wondering Wizarding Watermelons has fuck you money and doesn't appear to backing down from the commies anytime soon.
Susan: This 77-year-old Milker'd-Marxist-Movie-Maven has never met a feminist liberal cause she didn't advocate on behalf of. And yet, we cannot give up on Sarandon, because she stole our hearts as Annie Savoy in Bull Durham and because she has some of the most Hallowed Heavies in Hollywood.
Mommy Milky Division
Reigning Champ: Lara Logan
The Mommy Milky Division is the AL East of the 1990s and 2000s - it's where all of the top talent resides and, aside from a fluke year here or there, it's where you are going to find your Milkers of the Year Champion. Mommy Milkies are mammaries in their purest form - full of life-giving sustenance and designed by God to cause a biological reaction in infants and milk sommeliers alike.
Winner - Nancy Mace
Nancy Mace has big boobs. Nancy Mace has VERY big boobs (or tits, if you would prefer). This Stacked South Carolinian Congresswoman is paving her path toward a place among the greats on the Pantheon of Prolific Pokies.
Last year, Mace announced herself on the national stage by receiving an honorable mention in Flappr's 2022 Milkers of the Year Award. In the offseason, she put in the work, upped her efforts, and returned to show the world why she's a Grade-A Nippopotamous who was ready to take home her first division crown. In July, at a Christian prayer breakfast, the divorced mother-of-two joked about how her then-fiancé caught a glimpse of her RINO-Rod-Raisers and could barely contain himself. Then, in October, she wore a tight-fitted t-shirt emblazoned with the "Scarlet A" because of the blowback she received after working with Democrats to oust Speaker Kevin McCarthy - a move that many (ok, just me) called the "Machiavellian Milk Fountain Maneuver."
Mace's Mountain Dews take home this year's MM Division crown.
Honorable Mention: Alina Habba and Lauren Boebert
Alina: A graduate of the illustrious 159th ranked law school in the nation, who could have also been in the mix for Rookie of the Year or the MTAM Crown, but her MILF status and proximity to the biggest cous hound in America finds her squarely in the Mommy Milky Division (to be honest, we're a little fast and loose with the rules here). Alina has risen to prominence this year as President Trump's new attorney, battling the onslaught of political prosecutions by corrupt Democrats. For President Trump's sake, we hope Alina is more than just a Lovely Lot of Luscious Legal Lactators. We're rooting for you, Hubba Hubba, Esquire.
Lauren: It was a banner year for these Curvaceous Conservative Cantaloupes. Boebert has already wrapped up a win in the MTAM division and also secured honorable mention status in the MM division. At this pace, and sitting at just 37 years old, Lauren's Large Luscious Liberty Bells are on pace for greatness.
THE 2023 MILKERS OF THE YEAR AWARD
(BREAST IN SHOW)
Up from three divisions in 2022, we now have five division champions...
And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, the winner of Flappr's 2023 Milkers of the Year Award goes too...
***drumroll please***
LAUREN BOEBERT!
She won the MTAM Division and received an honorable mention in the MM Division. There is no way to adequately convey the size (and milkiness) of the reaction to the "Tiddy Grope Heard 'Round the World".
It was a cultural moment. Twitter exploded. A billion blogs were written. Nearly every podcast or show you tuned into that week was talking about Boebert's Bountiful Boobies being squeezed during Beetlejuice. Flappr's tweet of the video received over 1.2 MILLION IMPRESSIONS!
Simply stated, no other female human breasts captured the attention of the nation as much as Lauren's Rocky Mountain Man Pleasers. No other womanly wonders made as much of an impact as Boebert's Mile-High-Milkers in 2023.
They are big. They are magnificent. They are Flappr's 2023 Milkers of the Year.