Dear students,
I have been asked by the so-called management of this filthy, sex-obsessed publication to add yet one more “Man of the Year” encomium to the festering piles of that utterly worthless genre, largely spat out by armies of (shortly unemployed) twenty year-olds who wouldn’t know how to sharpen a pencil even if some sexless geek invented an “app” to show them how.
You can believe that, under normal circumstances, I would’ve hung up the phone with a heavy and quite audible slam, so as to register my extreme disgust at even the barest hint of such a prospect. However, Gladys had earlier requested that she and I take an afternoon walk, and I will grasp at just about any excuse to avoid that.
So, here I am. Just another obscure scribbler making his own modest contribution to the dank and fetid sludge pumping through the corroded bowels of the internet, by far the worst invention in recorded history.
Whom, then, should I adulate? Upon whose favored brow should I touch those sweet laurel leaves of achievement? Who, among all the world’s roughly four billion (and mostly Asian) men, truly deserves to be named Flappr’s 2023 Man of the Year?
Let’s find out, shall we? Here is this year’s slate of candidates.
JOE BIDEN
Start off strong, as I always say. This man, if alive (which I doubt), is somehow the President of the United States of America. The fact that this ancient, slimy, most pedestrian of career politicians stumbled his way ass-backwards into the White House indicates that something has gone terribly awry in the American project.
Either that, or Joe Biden possesses a kind of sheer dumb luck that boggles the imagination. That he has been renominated – in his clearly decrepit condition and by a party that mostly despises him – lends proof to my belief that the universe is fundamentally random and nothing will ever change that.
So, do whatever you want, people. Morality is a fiction and in all likelihood God is (at best) a distant and malevolent force.
DONALD TRUMP
Speaking of malevolent forces... It’s hard to believe that two years ago Donald Trump was mostly dead in the water. Regardless of what you think of the January 6th fiasco, his prospects looked grim. His N.F.T. scheme was widely ridiculed, his hand-picked candidates floundered in the 2022 midterms, he had dinner with a man who appears in public wearing a leather gimp mask, and some began to wonder if The Donald had lost a step or two.
But then! Who should come riding to his rescue? Why, none other than a veritable rogue’s gallery of federal and state prosecutors! Each of whom might as well been designed in a laboratory to activate the primal (and incredible stupid) defensive instincts of Trump’s hitherto wavering supporters.
With the predictability of Old Faithful, Trump surged in the polls and now sits at his current and rather commanding lead. Perhaps some things could shake out during the primaries, but I doubt it. Congratulations, Democrats. You won. What did you win? I haven’t the foggiest.
Enjoy your 2024 everybody!
ELON MUSK
As owner of Tesla, Space X, and (regular) X, Elon Musk may be the richest man in the world. Perhaps no other African-American has as much sway or influence as Elon, who with but a handful of careless words can drastically alter the price of thousands of shares of stock or stimulate hundreds of journalists into a cacophony of feverish caterwauling.
So, what does he choose to do with such unfathomable reach and power? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. All I know is that every one of Gladys’ moronic church friends changed their tune on him on a dime. I’m telling you, it was like somebody flipped a goddamn switch in their brains. One minute, all they could do was gush about those goddamn electric cars, and the next, they were wringing their hands and clutching their pearls as if Musk was Lucifer himself.
So, I suppose I have to like him now, if only on the principle that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Glad I got that settled.
XI JINPING
Something, something, CHINA. Something, something, NEW COLD WAR. Whatever. Who cares? I’m still not convinced China is a real place. Though if it is, we should bomb it.
TUCKER CARLSON
Moving on to good old Tucker. Remember all that drama? What the hell was that about? Fox and Tucker had a good thing going, but it seems egomania and caprice thrive just about everywhere these days. I’m sure both will be fine without each other, but it was a bit like watching a passionate couple suddenly and acrimoniously break up.
I mean, for Christ sake, you two had something special and you threw it away! If either of you possessed just an ounce of common sense all this could have been avoided. But no, you had to make life harder than it needs to be.
Anyway, Tucker is on an internet television station now, which I can’t watch, since I don’t have a so-called “smart”-phone. I can’t watch Fox either since Gladys hogs the television set all day long. She recently discovered some channel that shows nothing but Wheel of Fortune and Price is Right reruns, so I’m basically screwed.
Oh, well. Good grief.
DYLAN MULVANEY
Disqualified since he is no longer a man.
TRAVIS KELCE
90 catches, 968 yards, 5 touchdowns. Bit of a down year for him, but still impressive nonetheless.
However, could someone please explain to me what the hell a Tailor Swift is? I keep hearing that name on the broadcasts and can only assume it’s some sort of sponsor. Is it some new fancy clothing brand? A trendy bakery chain? A 24-hour tailoring service?
They used to have those, by the way. You could go in the middle of the night and ask some dirty Italian immigrant to fix that hole in the seat of your pants (usually before church). They were real handy once, but starting going belly-up in the 90’s, much to my chagrin.
Anyway, please write to me c/o The Flappr Corp. if you have any further information.
JAY COST
This delightful young historian is finally gaining the recognition and plaudits he so thoroughly deserves. And it is also no doubt the case that his success is a reflection of my success, as I sagely instructed him in history, geography, and social studies from about 5th grade onward.
More information can be found by watching the scintillating book review internet video located above. If you haven’t already purchased all of his books, I recommend you do so immediately.
Do so now, and come back.
ALI KHAMENEI
This man, in case you weren't aware, owns and operates one of the largest gas stations in the world. This gas station is called Iran, and boy, what a year they’ve had.
From the moment he walked (or was wheeled) into the White House, Joe Biden has bent over backwards to accommodate Iran, possibly in the hopes of enticing them to bring back the donut cabinet or maybe even the long lost wiener rack.
In order to gain… absolutely nothing… Biden and the Obama B-team resurrected the misbegotten Iranian deal, pulled the plug on various economic sanctions, and shipped over mountains upon mountains of cash to what amounts to a murderous religious cult.
They did all this while Iran sells cheap drones in the thousands to Russia, greatly aiding them in their war against Ukraine, whose side Biden declares we are on. Iran also bankrolled the October 7th attacks against Israel - again, whose side Biden declares we are on - funds terrorist groups around the world, and spends most of its free time doing everything in its power to sow chaos in that most chaotic of world regions.
What Khamenei and his mole-like satraps did to deserve this inexplicable appeasement is beyond me. American diplomacy remains, as it has been for over a hundred years, utterly and hopelessly retarded.
RICH LOWRY
Another year has gone by, and despite my frequent boasts (and numerous threats), Rich Lowry has once again failed to hire me. At this point, I’m not sure what else I could do. I suppose the old saying’s true. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t look him in the mouth, otherwise you’ll have your horse and eat it too... or something...
You get the idea.
Alright.
That's it.
I’ve had enough of this shit.
CONCLUSION
So, who’s the goddamn Man of the Year? That’s what you people really want to know, isn’t it? Well, going by the guidelines as handed to me, it seems no man on earth has reached those rarefied echelons of excellence - as considered and stipulated by the Flappr Man of the Year Award Plenary Committee - and as such, I’m left with no recourse than to award the Flappr 2023 Man of the Year Award to…
Myself.
You read that right. James O’Flannery is your 2023 Man of the Year. I believe my list of accomplishments speak for themselves. In the first place, as of the time of this writing (9:13 PM CST, December 30th, 2023) I am still alive. My internal metabolic functions are operating correctly, my ambulatory capacity remains only moderately curtailed, and I can still consume dairy products in modest quantities.
Lest we forget, I also finished my three part series on the Chinese Revolution on the “Your”-Tube internet video platform, which you are to go watch in their entirety at the conclusion of this article.
For these, and several other reasons, I am happy to bestow (and accept) the Flappr 2023 Man of the Year Award.
God bless you all, and God save these United States!
Sincerely,
James O’Flannery