Editor's Note: given the high number of errors and/or questionable creative choices made by the author, we've utilized a modified process for appending the editor's notes for this blog. Accordingly, please refer to the bottom of this blog for all editor's notes that apply to this author's work. If we had included them all inline . . . this would've been practically unreadable.
Flappr's Big Juicy Booty Award originates back to a fateful event that occurred in July of last year. It was on the steps of the Capitol when a Democrat Congresswoman from the Bronx was suddenly and viciously attacked by a right-wing provocateur.
His weapon of choice? Words. And pointing.
This led the Flappr Institute of Anatomical Research to conduct research as to whether said booty was either big and/or juicy (it is not) which then, of course, inspired our staff to issue an award for the biggest, juiciest, bottom of the year.
Somehow, AOC won last year's award despite having a booty that is neither big nor juicy, but that's just kind of the weird shit that the *degenerates who run this site do on this degenerate blog. They think dishonoring **d*** ****** ****** by giving such a lackluster ass an award is funny or something. So disgraceful.
However, with an ass expert like myself at the helm (I've mounted the helm, doggystyle), things will be different this year. We're going to take this seriously and present this award to the most Prodigious Pooper of 2023.
As a true Butthole Enthusiast, I took great joy in creating this list, going through hours of research, measurements, and long nights of comparing butts side by side - all in effort provide you only the most Dynamic Derrieres.
Every once in a while an ass can grab the attention of the entire nation. Kim Kardashian's Titanic Turdcutter 'broke the internet' in 2014. Jennifer Lopez's Puerto Rican Peach introduced to white men an alternative to the Pancake Patooties of which they were familiar back in the early 00's.
Paige Spiranac came close to that earlier this year after posting these internet outrage inducing mini skirt ensembles:
If you ask me, Paige is a hero for the sport of golf, ahead of her time and bringing new fans to a sport that only old white men and South Africans play. In fact, PAWGy Paige inspired me to buy a set of clubs this year! I've only used them once while having wings and bourbon at Top Golf. I also moved to Florida, which means I'm basically an old White man now!
And yet . . . Paige is not this year's winner.
Beauty comes with age and in my heart, the ***Flappr MILF 2023 Award winner, Sofia Vergara, has shown us that age is, in fact, just a number. After turning 50 earlier this year, Sofia went on a Tushy Posting Thirst Fest - reminding everyone of her Captivating Columbian Curves:
Unfortunately. . . Sofia is not this year's winner (but she is rich and Colombian, so she can afford a mountain of cocaine to drown her sorrows).
You know, the remarkable thing about asses is that any ass can be appreciated for the impact it can have on our culture. And no list or article on the subject of asses would be complete without Michigan’s own, Frankie LaPenna. Frankie is a TikTok creator who gained popularity during the lockdowns by creating mock ZOOM meetings with a green screen behind him while doing wild stunts. He really came into his own after he utilized what his momma gave him:
Thank you, Frankie, for standing up for our equal rights and showing the world that, in 2023, ****no matter the sex, if an ass is special it can, and will, do great things.
And yet, Frankie's Fanny is not taking home the top prize.
No, this year's top ass is one that came out of nowhere, took the nation by storm and nearly gave me a *****playaprism. And yet, this year's Top Tuchus is also a familiar one, a nostalgic one, an ass that takes you back to your childhood (but not in a creepy, Lincoln Project way).
If you haven't guessed it already, the winner of Flappr's Big Juicy Booty Award is none other than Hilary Erhard Duff:
Duff's Dumper had me questioning the very fabric of reality. Hilary's Handsome Heinie had me yelling GYATTT! Hillary Duff was never synonymous with MILF booty 3000, but it goes to show how much of a rollercoaster ride 2023 has been for our tongues. That the annoying brat on Lizzie McGuire has us saying “hey now” 20 yrs later shows the power of the ASS and why I admire it so damn much.
Thank you, 2023, for having such a great ASS for us to admire. I can not wait to see what kind of asses 2024 has in store for us.
(*Editor's Note: we are NOT degenerates).
(**Editor's Note: the term Jay used here to describe human female butts that were particularly aggressive, so we made the decision to censor it on public decency grounds).
(***Editor's Note: the "Flappr MILF Award" does not exist and no such award has ever existed. We are pretty sure Jay just invented this award in his head).
(****Editor's Note: this is the gayest thing we've ever published).
(*****Editor's Note: we're 99% sure that Jay meant that it almost gave him a 'priapism', the medical term for a persistent, sometimes painful, erection. We assume he just misspelled the word)
(******Editor's Note: when Jay notified me that he had sent over this article for editing, he sent me the following message, telling me that I would most 'defiantly' need to check some of the spelling. Ironic.)
