Guess who's back!
I am incredibly excited to be back in the pages of Flappr to reflect on a subject near and dear to my heart - boobs. And make no mistake - boobs, especially the big milky kind, are under attack.
Don't believe me, look no further to the news that dropped this week (which I know is actually from 2017) that Hooters was shifting its strategy away from Gargantuan Gazongas because "millennials just aren't into boobs". That's just not true - but it's foreboding sign of battles to come. Accordingly, Flappr's 2022 Milkers of the Year Award is needed, now more than ever, and I'm honored to lead the vanguard in our holy war to preserve Pillowy Pleasure Pontoons.
The Flappr Editorial Board was kind enough to lend to me the experts over at the Flappr Institute of Anatomical Research to help me analyze and determine the winner of Flappr's 2022 Milkers of the Year Award.
Now, critics have alleged that the 2021's MOTY Award winner, Ghislane Maxwell (of sex-trafficking fame), was a controversial choice. Many have argued that Abby Shapiro's Milkers should've taken home top honors; however, our mission is not to award the Least Controversial Milkers of the Year, it is to award The BEST Milkers of the Year and, like it or not, those Round Mounds of Little St. James-town were blue-ribbon beauties.
We hope she rots in prison forever for her crimes of sex-trafficking minors to . . . a list of men that was never released! How weird!
On to this year's award(s), which we're going to handle like the American Kennel Club's Best in Show Dog Breed Championship. More specifically, we're going to examine different breeds of milkers, award winners for each category and then, from among the division winners, name our Breast In Show! (aka the 2022 Milkers of The Year Award winner).
The first ever champion in this division is United States Army Reserve officer, former Congresswoman, former Democrat and newly minted political talking head, Tulsi Gabbard!
Congresswoman Gabbard's red-pilling over the past few years has been a pleasant surprise for many, but it was this video - both a celebration of the Second Amendment and her Seductive Samoan Saucers that really solidified her win in this division:
We salute you, Congresswoman Gabbard, for shanking Kamala on the 2020 debate stage and we honor you for having a snappy wit, a captivating smile, sound anti-war policies and for your Unbelievable Ukuleles:
IBTC Honorable Mention #1
Part-time Prime Minister of Finland, full-time party girl, Sanna Marin, who flashed on the scene when videos of her hardcore partying dropped on the internet.
Why was this even a scandal, how hard could it be to govern Finland? Pretty sure the entire country is mostly mooses (meese?) and saunas. People should leave this Foxy Flat-Chested Finn alone, let her party - her "scandal" is the most notable thing to happen to Finland since The Winter War.
We will be keeping our eye on this Finnish Flushmount for next year's IBTC crown.
IBTC Honorable Mention #2
Part-Time Tolkien Scholar and Full-Time based Italian PM, Giorgia Meloni.
When this spicy meatball isn't driving Euro-cucks bonkers with her nationalist policy initiatives, she's tightening leather pants all over The Boot with her Reasonably Sized Roman Rib Cushions.
Most Talked About Milkers Division
The MTAM Division is for Milkers that, regardless of quality, capture the national discourse. These are the Milkers that storm onto the scene one day and then reappear in memes week after week after week after week.
While it brings me physical pain to honor this Reptilian Representative for literally anything, the MTAM Division winner is soon-to-be former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi:
Walking on the beach at Alpemare Beach Club in Forte dei Marmi, Italy, with cleavage down to her belly button, Nana Nancy's Stone Age Shoulder Boulders captured the attention of the nation since the photos dropped in July.
This photo is now iconic, it is part of our online zeitgeist. To this day you will find this visage used in at least ten memes every week. There is just no way to deny that Pelosi's Octogenarian Orbs were the most talked about milkers of 2022.
Good grief, what have I done?
MTAM Honorable Mention #1: AOC
You cannot; however, ignore the fact that AOC has a set of Bolshevik Bazoombas (or Leninist Lactators, whichever you prefer) and they're marvelous:
It's actually a testament to the power of Nancy's Ancient Airbags that this video of AOC, on the floor of congress, wearing a tight-fitting dress, with her Proletariat Pokies popping out, didn't win her the MTAM division.
Yet, this was not the year for the Milker'd Marxist Midwit from Queens.
MTAM Notable Mention #2: Canadian Shop Teacher
Don't even know this dudes name (editor's note: it's Kayla Lemieux), nor do I think anyone cares. But everyone has seen this photo of a guy, sporting a blonde wig, hilariously humungous rubber tits and giant protruding nipples:
I'm still not even sure if this dude is a legitimate circus freak or if he's a legendary troll, exposing how far the alphabet world will go to protect their secular religion. Yet, for the MTAM Division, this distinction does not matter. What does matter is that this creature and her Sythenthic Sweater Stretchers captured the attention of idiots online and elsewhere - which they undisputedly did in 2022.
If your depravity get Tucker Carlson to udder the phrase "exploding milk porn" on the highest rated show on cable television . . . you have left a mark on our culture.
Mommy Milky Division
The Mommy Milky Division is the AL East of the 1990s and 2000s - it's where all of the top talent resides and, aside from a fluke year here or there, it's where your are going to find your Champion. Mommy Milkies are mammaries in their purest form - full of life-giving sustenance and designed by God to cause a biological reaction in infants and milker sommeliers alike.
Runner Up: Abby Shapiro
That's right folks, last year's runner up has taken home the silver medal for a second year in a row!
Please, whatever you do, do not take this as an indictment on Abby's performance this year - that's not true, Abby's Curvaceous Conservative Cantaloupes remain at the top of their game. Nor is this a signal of dwindling interest towards Abby.
Not true. We. Love. Abby. And we love Abby Shapiro's Milkers.
Abby Shapiro, sister of well known conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, is easily the most wholesome individual on this list. She has done tremendous work espousing conservative and traditional values on her platform over the past few years creating a following of her own.
We implore you to subscribe to Abby's YouTube Channel, Classically Abby, and support her efforts to help women feel empowered to be women, mothers and reject progressive influences trying to tell them otherwise.
Last year we had to dock Abby points because she was effectively on the milker equivalent of steroids (pregnancy).
This year she falls victim to her own success, namely - we've come to expect so much from Abby's Baby-Feeding Beacons of Hope that her dominance of the field is accepted as fact. Abby has set the bar SO high for herself that she needs to do something truly never before seen to move the needle.
It didn't happen this year, but she's still ensconced on the Mount Rushmore of Unbelievable Umlauts.
Yes, we know Abby Shapiro's Milkers losing the MM Division is a major shock.
The MM division winner came from nowhere, descended on the White House South (Mar-a-Lago) in May 2022 and dropped two Massive MOAB's (Mother Of All Boobs) upon the unsuspecting masses.
Flappr's 2022 MM Division winner is none other than Lara Logan:
You knew that Lara Logan was a decorated journalist, covering the Egyptian Revolution in 2011 as a war correspondent.
You knew that Lara Logan was gorgeous.
But did you know that this South African mother of two was packing Colossal Cape Town CFUs (Child Feeding Units)? I didn't and I don't think anyone else did either, making these Johannesburg Jawdroppers the best kept secret of 2022 and our MM Division winner.
Honorable Mention #1: Meghan McCain
Yes, Daddy's Little Girl deserves an honorable mention because, lets be honest - have you ever seen those things? Trick question - they're near impossible to miss.
Meghan McCain's MaveRACK is truly something to behold and is deserving of mention in its own right. Yet, it was her husband, Ben Domenech, and his celebration of his wife's RINO Rockets that really connected with us this year:
Take your politics out of this for a second, there is something very wholesome about a husband professing love for his wife's big tits.
Notable Mentions - Nancy Mace and Tudor Dixon
The Stacked South Carolinian Congresswoman and the MILFy Michigander are both deserving of your attention.
MILKERS OF THE YEAR AWARD (BREAST IN SHOW)
We now how have three division champions.
Tulsi Gabbard - IBTC Division Winner
Nancy Pelosi - MTAM Division Winner
Lara Logan - MM Division Winner
and the winner of Flappr's 2022 Milkers Of The Year award goes to . . .
While we are always reluctant to honor a journalist with anything other than well-earned disdain, Lara Logan has become very based. She's one of the good ones!
Moreover, Ms. Logan's marvelous Mar-A-Lago unveiling, coupled with Rittenhouse's unbelievable trigger discipline, made this photo part of the fabric of 2022:
Many memes and much discussion came from this photo, giving Logan, and her Durban Doozies, a plausible argument to win both the MTAM and MM divisions.
There just was not any other woman who contributed so much to the mammorial mystique as did our 2022 Champion.
And see you next year for MOTY 2023!