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Very Important News!
Flappr: is back.
If you want to know what was going through my head as I was deliberating on whether or not to renew our hosting agreement, you can go read The Fork, which I published yesterday. It's kind of good. It's kind of a peak into my soul. It's kind of a vent session. You might enjoy getting a chance to see a different side of me.
The long and short of it is that I've reached a fork in the road with this blog (and Flappr generally). I don't know what I want to do with this project anymore, but I wasn't ready to let it die. So I'm content to wander and wait to see if anyone comes along with a vision for Flappr greater than what I can achieve on my own.
You've got me for one more year. Yay.
Abby: is back.
Not that she ever really left us, mind you, but Abby did dial back her content game over the past year. She posted less on social media. She ended her Substack. And for good reason - she was pregnant with her second child and she probably didn't want the same type of attention she received during her first pregnancy. For as much grief as this woman receives on the internet, she seems to take it in stride - that's cool, we like that about her.
Given Abby's absence from the discourse, she did not garner even an honorable mention in our 2023 Milkers of the Year Award, after finishing as our runner-up in both 2021 and 2022. This caused much concern within the community. Had Abby lost her fastball? Many began to wonder if we had seen the last of peak Abby.
It appears Abby heard the murmurs and decided to address rumors of her demise:
With this form-flattering Instagram post, Abby announced to the world that she's a mom, she's not a feminist, and that she still wields Two Titanic Towers of Eye Raising Power. The queen has returned and she's coming for her Calcium Crown.
It's good to have you back, Abby. Much love to you and your family.
Look at these two. They're a cute couple! Both appear to be impressive human specimens. They've been together for three years! That's wholesome. I'm very happy for them.
But let's be honest, we were all wondering about the logistics of how . . . you know, the 'airplane enters the hanger'. You just don't see size differentials quite this drastic very often. We're talking 18 inches here (the height disparity)! Humans are curious creatures. We observe things in our environment, notice things that don't conform to the norm, and then try and contextualize how they would operate based on our own experiences.
Soooo, how do you think it works? Does he always have to lay horizontally? Does she have a step ladder? Is there some sort of wire/harness setup that would assist with some of the anatomical hurdles involved? Does he spin her around like a top? Is he allowed to? Do they have rules against that? How does he avoid smushing her during the act? Is smushing her part of the fun?
. . . . can she do that thing dudes like without having to kneel?
You can be mean. You can call me slanderous names. You can pretend that you aren't curious as well. But you know that we all were wondering the same things. Ok, maybe not ALLLL of the same things, but still.
There's nothing wrong with that! It's ok to be curious! It's also ok to root for these two and hope their love blossoms into a marriage and children - so we can see what they would look like. Would they be giants? Would they be dwarven? Would the mixed heights cancel each other out and produce normal-sized offspring?
You get the gist.
The 'World's Hottest Lorry Driver'? What the fuck is a 'lorry driver'?
Must research. Be right Back.
Ok, 'lorry driver' is just the English term for 'truck driver' because of course the fucking Brits can't be normal and just call a truck driver a 'truck driver'. Apparently, they call trucks 'lorries' because that was the term Brits used to categorize low-loading trolleys pulled by horse-drawn vehicles.
Occasionally, the Brits have terms that are improvements upon our own. Like, 'todger' for instance, is a pretty hilarious slang term for p*nis. 'Lorry', however, is just pure garbage.
So, what was the point of all of this again? Oh, yeah, this lady says she's the 'World's Hottest Truck Driver'. Is this a valid claim? There is no governing body that is responsible for distributing such lofty titles, so I suppose the duty resides with me. Now, I don't know of many attractive truck drivers. It's stereotypically a job performed by burly men, so the pool of competition is fairly limited. Hmmm.
After careful review, I declare that this Robust Costa Rican is one of the 'World's Hottest Truck Driver(s)' as that title is contested by this Snapple-guzzling, Ample-Bosomed-Alabaman who also holds a valid claim to the crown:
Based on all available data, these two Top Heavy Truckers shall share the crown. We will continue to monitor the status of the 'World's Hottest Truck Driver' for future developments. Thank you.
I don't mean to question the integrity of this Barrell-Bottomed-Boricua (who is actually Panamanian, but whatever), but I'm not sure I believe that she actually purchased a private jet. While she does have 4.7 million followers on Instagram, I refuse to accept that you can make "own a private jet" money from being an eGirl. A more plausible explanation is that she rented the private jet for a photo shoot, which other social media influencers have been caught doing before. You can rent these things for like $64 an hour, apparently.
Maybe she is making that much money. I don't know. Good for her.
The only reason I included this story was to thank Jay Kobbe for filling in for me last week. If you missed Assorted Stimulating Subjects (A.S.S. - coincidental acronym), you should go give it a read. Jay did a surprisingly good job. He's a good man and he's been a great friend to collaborate with over the past year.
Important News!
Washington Free Beacon: UCLA Med School Requires Students To Attend Lecture Where Speaker Demands Prayer for ‘Mama Earth,’ Leads Chants of ‘Free Palestine.’
From The Free Beacon:
" In a mandatory course on "structural racism" for first-year medical students at the University of California Los Angeles, a guest speaker who has praised Hamas’s Oct. 7 attack on Israel led students in chants of "Free, Free Palestine" and demanded that they bow down to "mama earth," according to students in the class and audio obtained by the Washington Free Beacon.
. . . [She] later referred to modern medicine as "white science" and inveighed against the "occupation" of "Turtle Island"—that is, the United States—before asking students to stand for a second prayer. This time, nearly everyone rose.
When one student remained seated, according to students in the class, a UCLA administrator, whom the Free Beacon could not identify, inquired about the student’s identity, implying that discipline could be on the table."
I don't know why we haven't seen more lawsuits, because the quickest way for some of this shit to end is to file some lawsuits. Maybe it's because the people affected don't want to go through the drama and feel like they have too much to lose? Which, if you're a medical student at UCLA, I can understand - don't rock the boat, laugh, and move on with your life as a rich doctor, right?
Well, that sort of thinking got us into this mess. I think we all thought it would kind of peter out after the millennials got a taste of the 'real world'. But it hasn't. It just keeps getting worse and if people don't start standing up for clearly illegal discrimination, there will come a point where you can no longer brush it off as an unfortunate inconvenience.
Really do need to start seeing some lawsuits. Really do need to make this insanity so costly that they never invite people like this on campus ever again.
The Other McCain: In The Mailbox: 04.03.24; and Rule 5 Sunday: Paige For Purdue!
The one in which Wombat Socho shares with you news that Paige Spiranac is rooting for Purdue to win the NCAA Tournament:
"I had no idea that noted golf influencer Paige Spiranac was a Purdue fan, but apparently so."
I would like to think that Flappr's influence on the culture led to Mr. Socho featuring Paige Spiranac on The Other McCain. A boy can dream.
David Thompson: Perhaps The Cardboard Has Magical Properties
The one in which David shares with you news from San Francisco, where the transit authority makes available "bystander intervention cards":
"Perhaps we can look forward to the issuing of “I am being stabbed” cards. And some “The man next to me is masturbating” cards. It does have the makings of an unhappy board game. "
You know, instead of handing out these "please help" cards, the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART, no relation), could just . . . arrest people? Maybe lock away some of the crazies who defecate in public. Do something, anything, to help restore the order that's required for a high-trust society to function properly.
No, that would be cruel to the people who sexually harass women, threaten to kill them, sexually assault them and/or actually kill them on BART trains.
It doesn't have to be this way, but only the people can make it stop.
Very Important Sports!
Hockey: fucking rules.
Folks, , , , this is what we in the hockey world call a 'line brawl', wherein all of the players on the ice drop the gloves and proceed to beat the living shit out of each other. You don't see these very often! You especially don't see them within two seconds of the opening face-off!
This one all stemmed back to a March 11th tilt where our old friend, Matt Rempe, rammed his elbow into the head of Devils defenseman, Jonas Siegenthaler, knocking him out of the game. It would appear that the Devils, haven't forgotten about that hit and since they have no chance of making the playoffs, they decided to start the game with fourth-line goons. The Rangers followed suit and as soon as the puck dropped . . . the boys dropped the gloves and had an 'old fashioned working out of their differences.
After the dust settled, the refs handed out 18 penalties, 132 penalty minutes, 12 fighting majors, and 8 game misconducts all within the first two seconds of play. By the end of the first period, the two teams had totaled 162 penalty minutes on 27 total penalties.
Stellar stuff. Bravo. This was pure cinema. The Rangers won 4-3.
Women's Basketball: I unironically watched a game.
I did. I watched Caitlin Clark dispatch LSU on Monday.
I'm not proud of myself, mind you and I blame my mother-in-law for planting the seeds for this dishonor by educating my kids about Caitlin Clark. Allegedly, they were watching something and Clark appeared on television in an advertisement for State Farm. My mother-in-law explained to my son and daughter who Clark was, told them of her achievements on the court, and the next thing I know it's Monday and they're asking me if they can watch the game.
So we did watch, along with 12 million others (a record for women's basketball). And Clark was legitimately impressive. She scored 41 points, hit 9/20 threes, dished out 12 assists, and avenged her loss against LSU from last year. All of the lady players were good. It was an entertaining product. I watched til the end. I probably won't watch another basketball game for the rest of the year.
Now let's never speak of this again.
Jerry Thornton | Barstool Sports: I Could Listen to Ernie Adams Describe How He Got Inside Peyton Manning's Head Until the Sun Goes Nova
As I've shared numerous times, I am a long-suffering Chicago Bears fan. Given how badly the Bears have sucked for the entirety of my life, I adopted the Patriots as my secondary team and enjoyed their dynasty second-hand, from afar. Mainly, I was a huge fan of Brady and William Stephen Belichick. With both of them gone, I no longer care much for the team.
Ernie Adams is a name that most football fans have heard of over the years, but the man himself and the role he served on the team has always been a mystery. I guess his title with the team was 'Director of Football Research", but all I knew about him was that he was a 'genius' and Belichick's shadowy right-hand man. I did not know that he and BB went to high school together, played ball together, and worked together in the NFL for 45 years. They're bros and it shows.
Adams appeared on Julian Edelman's podcast Games with Names to relive the Pats' first title over the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. It's the first time I've heard this dude talk and he's full of great stories. He's the consummate football autist. This interview is worth your time if you dig NFL history. Highly recommended.
Caleb Williams: might have a pink phone.
Caleb Williams is going to be the next quarterback of the Chicago Bears.
Yes, I saw this video. No, I don't want to talk about it.
Never, in the entirety of my life have the Bears had a top-10 quarterback. The closest we came was Jay Cutler, who I love, but who couldn't stop throwing the ball to opposing defenses.
Williams appears to have the talent to break that cycle, but at what cost? I am dumb enough to see that pink phone and start questioning whether or not I want to sign up for this Faustian bargain. Is winning really worth selling my soul and rooting for gender-bending Kaepernick?
Yeesh, it's never easy, is it, folksssss?
I want to hate Patrick Mahomes. He's too young to have won this much. He's too good and the game looks too easy for him. The Bears could've drafted him but instead chose to draft renowned titty-kissing enthusiast, Mitch Trubisky, instead.
I want to hate Patrick Mahomes, but then he posts wholesome shit like this with his wife and kids. Look how cute those kids are. Look at the happiness on Patrick's goofy-ass face. Look how his wife is decked out in a sundress to celebrate Easter. That's winning off the field too.
So, I don't hate Patrick Mahomes. And I don't hate Brittany Mahomes, even though that's a fashionable thing to do on social media. They seem like they're relatively well-adjusted given that they exist in an environment where one player fathered three children with three different women in the same year and seven others received oral sex from the same woman on the same night.
It's kind of nice to see a bit of normal, even if that normal has a weird voice and denied Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, his first Super Bowl.
There isn't much to this one other than to highlight the new swimwear line from our good friend, Olivia Culpo. I also wanted to report that I have still not heard back from Christian or Olivia on that wedding invite.
I mean, I don't expect anything, but it wouldn't be crazy if these two invited the biggest proponent of Supportive Significant Others ("SSOs")on the internet. Pretty sure nobody else has championed Olivia's efforts as an SSO more than yours truly.
Again, no pressure! Maybe it's lost in the mail! The postal service does kinda suck these days! The swimsuit line looks great! Very understated! Not much fabric! Very lovely, Olivia! Great Work! I might have to buy one for Mrs. Bart!
Did I mention that I'm great at wedding toasts? Because I am. I've delivered some doozies in my day. I'm not saying that I should be asked to speak at their wedding, but, if someone got cold feet at the mic, I could step in! I've already jotted down a few things, just in case. Are you familiar with the limerick about the man from Nantucket? Well, my speech would be about the man from Castle Rock (where Christian was born) and well . . . I think you can imagine a few words that rhyme with rock that might get a reaction from grandma.
Anyways, just something to think about. Always smart to have backup.
Nope. Not doing this one.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
This BSO headline is, of course, a literal one as it describes exactly what the image entails - Paige Spiranac, showing off 'massive cleavage and thighs' while wearing 'white lingerie' as she teases her role in "Happy Gilmore 2".
I'm not sure we need a Happy Gilmore sequel. I'm not sure if Paige can act. But, goodness gracious. What a woman.
This is a smart career choice for Paige. It will likely be a small role. It's very on brand. It will introduce her to a new audience and I think Adam Sandler will want to protect the legacy of the original and put out a good product.
This wasn't the only elite content posted by Paige during the past week. On Tuesday, as I was pondering the future of this blog, she dropped this on Twitter:
If the cosmos was attempting to provide me with guidance during my deliberations on whether or not to continue publishing this blog, having Abby Shapiro and Paige Spiranac post elite content back to back in the same week does make for a convincing argument.
Thank you for your divine providence, God.
Very Important Meme of the Week!
This week's honors goes to @sillgaM who is definitely NOT @Magills_, because @Magills_ was suspended for making a pretty naughty tweet during a day of visibility that's reserved for a specific group of people who must not insulted.
Anyways, this meme is less of a meme and more of small celebration for our continuned existence. Thank you for your support. I love you all. Yes, this was a little bit self-congratulatory. Oh well.
Congrats, to @sillgaM, who you should definitely go follow until @Magills_ decides to delete the tweet and get his account back.
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