Bartleby is on vacation this week, so Mujahed Kobbe graciously agreed, by the will of Allah, to step in and guest blog with his own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Assorted Stimulating Subjects" (which is totally different than "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects") to help keep you informed of very important news!
We will deliver A.S.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
A STATEMENT FROM THE AUTHOR
I am honored to take over this week's blog, but I have a couple of big jugs to fill. As you may know, it is in the middle of Ramadan, so we will keep it clean, informative, and in line with Flappr's standards.
Writers Note: The thumbnail was not my decision and I protested using such a vulgar flat ass.
Very Important News
Ginger Appreciation Month: Madelaine Petsch
Madelaine Petsch's claim to fame was staring in the Gen Z hit Riverdale. Can't say I have watched a single episode because hearing a Gen Zer speak causes the Hitler voice in the back of my head to speak up again. What I can say is Madelaine has been working her butt off with different workout routine videos, I recommend the glute workouts I have been implementing them in my own gym sessions for a good pump. I have also been watching them before going to bed to make sure I fully understand the movement, when you get my age you want to you must do all you can to be safe from injury at the gym.
Born in Portland in 1994 to South African parents Madelain would split her time between the US and South Africa while going to dance school. This helped her become the well-rounded ginger she is today, by well-rounded of course I mean being both an actress and producer. Also her ass.
We have to give it to the Gen Zers and how they have taken over the internet and fandom. No longer are the fans putting up posters of their favorite cult characters from cult classics in their locker room doors. Now we can find sub Reddits of sub Reddits dedicated to nothing but Madelaine's workouts in her leggings and yoga pants, and with music edits. For the readers who are interested in getting back to the gym here are a few of her videos to help motivate you.
Glad to see Gen Zers provide something to help better society with technology and learn these essential crafts for the workplace in the near future.
BONUS Ginger Appreciation Month: voluptuous
Few women, and even fewer Gingers have the necessary physic to pull off mom jeans like Bryce Howard can. Representing us Millennials because no one cares about Gen Xers, we could not be more proud to have such a voluptuous jean wearer to appreciate. If there was to be a poster model for the mom jean, no one would do it better. Feels like you can smell warm pancakes and freshly squeezed orange juice just by looking at it. A warm home.
We may remember Bryce with her break-out role-playing Gwen Stacy, using her power in mom jeans back in Spiderman 3, although the writers botched the Gwen character, she was winning in the areas that counted against the very flat no haunches Kirsten Dunst. Don't even get me started on the whole emo thing they wrote into it. After coming off a masterpiece that is Spider-man 2... would make a man go enlist in jihad.. it was the easiest layup in history, Gwen and, Venom but decided to go with Tobey in black dyed hair and jazz... sorry for the ranting but my therapist said this is good for me. To let out the trauma by writing it down instead of on a plane.
Bryce did more than makeup for it by single-handedly bringing back an almost dead and extinct franchise with Jurassic Park: World playing a smart and funny Claire Dearing. She showed us how a person can look good in mom jeans and run away from dinos. A tuff duff, had us cheering on the strength of her jeans throughout the whole movie. Luckily they ended the franchise with that and didn't do like 2 more movies.
Welcome to your 5-day weather forecast as you can see we are starting the week with a peachy temperature of 69 followed by 4 more peachy temperature days.
Yanet Garcia is this generation's Harald Ernest Taft Jr. She is completely revolutionizing the weather person game getting more eyes to tune into the weather and giving us life-saving news and forecasts while advertising a healthy lifestyle. Scanning her Instagram and ultimately following her account, you can quickly see that her countless belfies are to motivate ppl on sunny days to hit the beach and take advantage of good weather for their health. I have personally liked 57 of her posts to save for when I need motivation and to brighten up the weather of my day, oh just saved 12 more for good measure.
It is a shame that Stephen Hawking isn't alive to see this phenomenon. A booty twerk so powerful it sent ripples through time and space which was detected by Cerns gravitational wave detector, located in Ligma, Switzerland.
Luckily the physicists at Cern are working on a warning system to detect the next time this booty twerks, concerns about hurricanes forming and tsunamis gaining power that can completely erase coastal cities. We have faith they will be able to set up cameras to also catch these twerks as they happen. Science is about measurements after all.
Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate... Especially women on other women. They have a hard time as a species watching someone else succeed through hard work and dedication. It takes effort and sacrifice to make a booty the perfect jiggly, to have the right consistency for the bounce.
Girlfriends get jealous when they see their man liking a post-glute workout post by another woman. What they do not understand, or their little minds can't comprehend, is the fact this is how we men show our support for workouts. If you go check the like ratio on other men post workouts you will find it to be 89% male, I know I did my part in liking another man's shirtless post-workout pic, where he is pumped and all sweaty with his nipples hard from the pump. This is how we celebrate hard work in the gym, especially when we get to see the type of well-rounded progress Tammy has made.
Keep up the good work Tammy, don't let the hate get to you, and enjoy the likes of support from other women's boyfriends and husbands. You have earned it, I will be dedicating my glute workout and inevitable post-workout pics to you.
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This is the type of discrimination we as a nation can not allow to stand. This poor woman is suffering after a much-needed surgery, it may not have been life-saving but it is life-enhancing for the community around her.
It is these kinds of selfless acts and sacrifices that give me a better outlook on humanity. Especially when the surgery has been done very tastefully. The proportions were set perfectly, the golden ratio was visible on every angle, trust me I thoroughly checked, and rechecked 7 more times that I got the math right. I looked down that crack and saw infinity side by side with the golden ratio and it was beautiful.
Very Important Sports!
The Habibi March Madness Bracket:
The Habibi March Madness Bracket is in full swing! We have a tight competition for the top spot. We are cheering for Fuzzy to get a win so he can afford to take Kate out on a date. Which was promised to Fuzzy if he pulled it off. We would also like to thank Spencer Sacks for sacrificing his bracket by not saving it and taking last place so I wouldn't have to. Flappr's very own Bartleby still has a shot to win it all for his child's baseball team or something. I'm sure it is a good cause either way. The Habibi Bros Siraj and Jay are nowhere to be found in the top ten unfortunately for them March Madness is, and always has been Islamophobic. Maybe they will have better luck in this year's Habibi Fantasy League.
The NFL: Banned "Hip-drop" Tackles
That is right NFL fans, we are seeing the end of tackle football as we know it. Just another rule and foul to be thrusted onto the stripe shirts to subjectively rule on every time Patrick Mahomes needs a new set of downs. Making it harder for the defense to do their jobs while Mahomes does his sissy run for 1000 rushing yards every game. Make sure you get Derick Henry or McCaffrey on your fantasy teams this year... 10,000 a piece. The NO FUN LEAGUE should get rid of the defense and let people run up and down the field. Safe enough to let women play.
We are 1 rule away from declaring the FLAG initiative for the NFL
Fabric Retrieval
Low-impact
Abandon all contact
Game System
The Sun: Glamorous footballer Madelene Wright nearly pops out of very revealing lingerie in sexy snap
The claims of "soccer" being gay can be laid to rest. Right on her pillowy rear. This is proper football gentlemen.
This gentleman's sport has been around for centuries and has stood the test of time, never wavering in support and viewership. How could it with athletic talent like Madelene who is a star striker and by going through her only fans, one that does fantastic skin care on her buttock region, as science will tell you a firm glute is where you get the power for your jumping headers. I am a firm man of science.
With the NFL banning the hip-drop tackles, we will find that women's football is going to be way more entertaining.
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