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Torts Illustrated - The Hunter Biden Plea Deal

Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really. Up first - the Hunter Biden plea deal!

Torts Illustrated

Hunter Biden committed federal gun crimes and failed to pay taxes on several million dollars he earned from his overseas work as part of his longstanding career of angrily demanding money from foreign governments for no reason while his dad was in the room. After a doubtlessly vigorous investigation by the feds and an arms-length negotiation between federal prosecutors and Hunter’s legal team, the parties finally reached a plea deal that left everyone happy. Yesterday, Hunter was expected to plead guilty to these crimes and finally face consequences for his actions.


The feds’ controversial investigation of Hunter Biden had come under scrutiny in recent months as several whistleblowers reported that Biden’s DOJ consistently hampered the investigation, allowing the statute of limitations to expire on serious crimes despite proof that Hunter was guilty, giving Hunter’s team advance warning of investigative strategies and searches, and refusing to charge or even investigate a multitude of other felonies—some of which were connected to President Biden.


Hunter Biden Energy Consultant

Eager to put to rest these conspiracy theories of a “sweetheart deal” between Hunter and the feds, the parties reached an arrangement in which Hunter would plead guilty to his crimes and face justice. The terms of the agreement were as follows: In exchange for no penalties of any kind at all forever, the feds would agree to drop the gun charge, impose no penalty for the tax crimes, and also allow Hunter to commit up to seven (7) felonies per year going forward. While some had questioned the deal as being slightly generous toward Hunter, fact-checkers at CNN assured us that this was *not* a sweetheart deal, and in fact the feds actually really don’t care whether you follow gun and tax laws.


However, the plea deal fell apart yesterday under scrutiny from eagle-eyed federal judge Maryellen Noreika, who had questions such as, and I quote, “what” and “are you fucking serious with this.” The drama reached its apex when the prosecutors insisted that this was simply an ordinary criminal plea, at which point Judge Noreika asked the lead prosecutor whether there had ever been a deal like this in all of U.S. history, and the prosecutor responded by holding up a legal pad where he had drawn the following: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.


The judge then ordered the parties to scrap the deal and come up with an alternative arrangement that at least sort of looked like something that a real prosecutor might have signed off on.


Early reports indicate that Hunter’s team and the feds are aggressively negotiating as we speak:

To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted" you can follow him on Twitter, here.

7件のコメント


ゲスト
2023年7月29日

Excellent...I'm stealing the pic of Hunter...ENDORSED!

いいね!

ゲスト
2023年7月28日

"2 min read" Two minutes, really, you think that the kind of people reading this august publication can invest so much money w/out first getting the general idea about the content? In the future please post an Executive Summary

いいね!

ゲスト
2023年7月27日

Cameras were rolling in the courtroom.


いいね!

ゲスト
2023年7月27日

The Rebekah Jones simp is occasionally right

いいね!

ゲスト
2023年7月27日

Jarvis always puts the wat? in what?


いいね!
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