Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really.
TikTok, the Chicom mobile app for progressive teens and journalists (I repeat myself), is typically devoted to fun and harmless content such as cute little dances, inventing new and exciting mental illnesses, and providing a much-needed outlet for comely gals to display their assets. Recently, however, TikTok stumbled across an obscure historical event: 9/11.
"9/11" is TikTok slang for September 11, 2001. You can ask your grandma about it, but basically what happened was that some people did some things and then a few towers fell down in New York City. Also, something happened to the Pentagon, but no one knows what.
Several TikTok teens read the letter, and it seemed pretty persuasive to them. Decolonization! Down with capitalism! Down with the Zionist Menace! He even shares his plan to combat climate change which, coincidentally, requires decolonization, destroying capitalism and eradicating Israel!
This Osama gent might be an old dead dude, but he was speaking the language of the youth! Also, Mr. bin Laden's pro-porn and decarbonization-via-plane-crash positions proved to be popular.
Now, this puts the Democrat party in a bit of a bind. TikTok and Twitter dictate Democrat policies, but sometimes it takes a while for the old fogies to get on board with the hip new trends. In this case, a bunch of out of touch stuffed shirt establishment dickheads within the party seem to think that 9/11 was, get this, bad. Can you even imagine how someone could think like that?
Did they not read THE LETTER? Get on board, you old dotards!
But fear not, folks, youthful energy will win the day in the Democrat party and elsewhere. Even now, President Biden's handlers are mulling over the possibilities of adding a 9/11 plank to the 2024 platform. AOC and Reps. Omar and Tlaib (D - Hamas) have been tapped as early co-sponsors.
Moderate snacks like Nancy Pelosi have tried to soften the 9/11 Was Good position by attempting to pass a resolution declaring that All Dates Are Good.
She may be successful for a while, but rest assured, when President AOC declares 9/11 to be a National Day of Celebration, we will finally be on the right side of history.
To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted" you can follow him on Twitter, here.