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Torts Illustrated - A Full-Throated Defense of Mia K

Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really.

On Monday, October 9, cancel culture once again reared its ugly -- or at least mid -- head. Acclaimed thespian and expert of international affairs, Mia Khalifa, was fired by Playboy for the crime of having opinions.

Ms. Khalifa, an inspiring role model for young women everywhere, will now be rendered destitute; God forbid, she may even have to resort to performing unsavory acts in effort to pay the bills.

Ms. Khalifa had spent the weekend like many ladies do, hanging out online and chatting with her friends. Suddenly, and without provocation, one of her tweets was on the receiving end of some unwanted attention (actually, I don't think we can call them tweets any more, because the site is now called "X"). Khalifa posted an X.

Come to think of it, she did three posts, so let's say she did XXX. Here is one of the XXX's that Khalifa created and shared for public consumption:

Now, I haven't been following the news lately, but I see nothing wrong with this. She's on the side of freedom fighters, which is literally by definition good.

She is relying on her experience as an actress in the moving pictures and handing out entirely correct filmmaking tips. She's an auteur, dammit!

I guess her real crime is being an outspoken immigrant woman of color. With giant cans. But that wasn't enough for the MAINSTREAM pornographic media, and Playboy promptly fired her. Let's break down Playboy's statement line by line:

CREATOR COMMUNITY hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, I can't continue. "Creator Community" hahahahaha like they're quilting or something, holy lord.

Anyways, they shitcanned her.

To be clear, I have not seen Ms. Khalifa's work, so I cannot comment on its quality. I do not care for pornography. My imagination is far more perverse than anything Playboy could ever dream up. A quick google search at work revealed that Ms. Khalifa has sex with men in these videos, which is fine but not exactly innovative.

Wake me up when she pushes a dude down the stairs.

However, my understanding is that the purpose of such art from the CREATOR COMMUNITY is to stimulate the male gaze (that's "male gaze" - as in the eyes of men, not male gays, as in Siraj and Jay).

And the type of content that consumers find stimulating has a lot more to do with the type of sounds that the lady makes whilst in intimate marital congress rather than her opinions on complex and intractable geopolitical situations.

I mean, not to be a dick about the war in the Middle East, but it honestly never even occurred to me to care if the gal getting railed in a smut film was an antisemite. It would be like finding out that my Uber driver was Canadian: I wouldn't be happy about it, but I wouldn't let it ruin my day.

So Playboy, listen up and do the right thing! Hire back Mia Khalifa! You could even make her a global goodwill ambassador! Send her to the Palestinian territories to ply her trade, working hand in hand with the freedom fighters she supports. I'm sure she'll be received with open arms and legs.

To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted", follow him on Twitter, here.


Oct 15, 2023

Canadians should be required to have maple leaves sewn onto their clothing so we can properly identify them. This just seems like common sense.


Oct 11, 2023

Canada is not a real place.


Wow! I wonder what got Canadian drivers on Jarvis' radar? 🤔

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