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The Top 5 Presidential Nicknames

Editor's Note: It's summer and we're a few months away from the primary season becoming even more incredibly wild, dumb and nasty. So, while we still can, we're going to try and keep the vibe light and fun with a series of occasional <rank random thing> blogs. No, they're not clickbait listicles. . . they're Flappr-style, click-bait listicles!

The Top 5 Presidential Nicknames

5. "Slick Willie"

Originally coined by The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette editor, Paul Greenberg, there is no better way to describe a man whose name is William (Bill), who is renowned for his ability to slip out of trouble and who is renowned for his inability to not slip 'it' into trouble. "It" means his dick, he put his dick in any warm hole he could find - that was the insinuation, in case you couldn't figure that out.

'Slick Willie' is one of those nicknames that would've been used by the common man even if hadn't been widely adopted by the media of the time.

Bill Clinton is a "Slick Willie". It just fits.

4. "Old Hickory"

Andrew Jackson was given the command of the 2nd Division Tennessee Regiment in 1813 and was ordered to take his men to New Orleans to defend against a planned British attack. When he arrived at the Natchez Trace (in what's now Mississippi), Jackson was told to disband his regiment and hand over all his supplies to the commanding General for New Orleans.

Rather than abandon his men and let them find their own way home back to Tennessee, Jackson ignored the order and marched back with them Tennessee, pledging his own money to finance the supplies needed for the trip back along the Natchez Trace. Jackson gave up his horse for soldiers who were too sick to march, walked alongside his men, and disciplined them when necessary.

Jackson's toughness, temper and willingness to suffer alongside his men, earned him the nickname "Old Hickory" from the soldiers under his command.

Basically, Andrew Jackson was a tough motherf*cker, tough, like an old hickory tree - so they nicknamed him "Old Hickory".

While perhaps not as catchy as other nicknames - a nickname earned from the respect of the men around you is undoubtedly the coolest kind of nickname.

3. "Tricky Dick"

The second-best kind of nickname is a one that started as an insult but was later recontextualized by the subject (and/or his followers) and becomes a term of endearment.

During the 1950 U.S. Senate race in California, Helen Gahagan Douglas started calling Richard Nixon “Tricky Dick” in a newspaper campaign in an attempt to smear him. In fairness, Nixon did spend the entirety of that campaign calling Douglas a pinko commie sympathizer, which . . . was maybe true (?) (apparently, JFK even donated to Nixon's senatorial campaign because he also hated communists). Douglas' attempt to frame Nixon as "Tricky" did not work, he beat her like a drum, winning almost 60% of the vote.

Regardless, "Tricky Dick" entered the American lexicon and it has remained with Nixon's legacy until this very day. And what a nickname! It combines astute strategic prowess with male virility and it (sort of) rhymes! Who would you rather hang with, Richard Milhouse Nixon or "Tricky Dick?"

For my money, I want to hang out with the Dick Tricker!

Yes, much like how "Cocaine Mitch" was intended to draw attention to a container of cocaine found on a ship owned Mitch McConnell's wife, but ended up just making him sound way cooler than he deserved - Tricky Dick was an all-time backfire.

We Like Dick! We Like Dick! We Like Dick!

2. "The Gipper"

Ronald Reagan's first substantive role in film was playing Notre-Dame All-American football player, George Gipp, in the 1940 classic: Knute Rockne - All-American. In that film, Gipp falls ill from pneumonia and, while on his death bed, tells to Rockne "sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."

I'm not crying, you're crying.

Reagan was called "the Gipper" thereafter, using the nickname in his political career and his ascension to global domination. When you think about this nickname, where it came from, who it represents and hope easily it rolls of the tongue . . . it's just the perfect political nickname.

This nickname even comes with its own battle cry - "win one for the Gipper".

It's folksy, it's wholesome, it's unique, it's tied to football, it's Americana.

1. "The Sage of Monticello"

I actually don't know if Thomas Jefferson was ever referred to as "The Sage of Monticello" while he was alive, but it's just the coolest damn nickname ever.

It's hard to top a nickname that starts with "The Sage of". If you're life accomplishments warrant a nickname that alludes to your wisdom and status as an absolute Legend. . . you're a pretty fucking important dude.

Then you have the name "Monticello", which means "little mountain" in Italian and it's just a very epic sounding word. The fact that Monticello is the name that Jefferson gave to his estate just adds to the chad-level energy of this nickname.

Just say the name to yourself . . . The Sage of Monticello . . . it's just so fucking fancy.

"The Sage of Monticello" sounds like the nickname given to the wisest of all wise wizards in a fantasy novel. . . or the name given to a legendary cocksman, known for his mastery of pleasures of the flesh, in an erotic novella sold at the checkout lane of a supermarket.

Either way, there is no cooler presidential nickname than this one.

Oh hey, by the way, you know how every single media outlet claims, as fact, that Thomas Jefferson fathered between 1 and 6 children with Sally Hemings?

Yes, there is scientific evidence that suggests that Thomas Jefferson fathered at least one child with Sally Hemings, but it is not conclusive. This whole narrative was based on a DNA study conducted in the late 1990s that found that Jefferson and Eston Hemings (Sally's youngest son) shared the same rare Y-chromosome haplotype, meaning that they had a common male ancestor in the Jefferson family.

However, the DNA study did not prove that Thomas Jefferson was the father of Eston Hemings or any of Sally Hemings's other children. It only proved that a Jefferson male was the father, and it could have been any of Thomas Jefferson's male relatives who carried the same Y-chromosome haplotype.

Now, circumstantial evidence suggests that it was PROBABLY Jefferson that fathered Eston Hemings, but there is no way to say this with absolute certainty. Weird how the media jumped to conclusions on that one!


Honorable Mention:

"Old Rough and Ready"

Similar to Andrew Jackson, Zachary Taylor earned this nickname for his willingness to get his boots dirty alongside the men he commanded in the Mexican-American War.

But since Jackson got a similar nickname first and because Andrew Jackson is generally a more interesting figure, I left Old Rough and Ready off the list.

"Handsome Frank"

Franklin Pierce is often, kind of, forgotten in U.S. presidential lore. Two months before he took office, he and his wife saw their eleven-year-old son killed in a train crash. That's pretty fucked up.

During his presidency, Pierce signed the Gasden Purchase, which expanded U.S. territories along the southern border, and the Kansas-Nebraksa Act, which . . . pretty much solidified our path towards the Civil War.

Handsome Frank is a pretty cool nickname, basically he saturated the bloomers of broads from Texas to Tippecanoe . . . but Pierce doesn't feel like he did anything to earn that nickname. There is no story to "Handsome Frank", it's cool, but hollow.


Dishonorable Mention:

"The Little Magician"

Martin Van Buren is among the worst presidents in American history. When Van Buren took office, the economy was booming and within months businesses and banks were failing.

Also, "The Little Magician" sounds like the name of a pedophile.

I mean. . . looks like pedo, has a pedo-like nickname. . . you be the judge.

"The Old Public Functionary"

James Buchannan gave himself the nickname "Old Public Functionary". It's probably the worst nickname of all time, president or not . . . I'm sorry, Jim, but you're not saturating any bloomers with the nickname "Old Public Functionary".

"Amtrak Joe"

Joe Biden is not a folksy train lover. Joe Biden is a kid-sniffing, kin-showering, asshole.


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