PRODUCT REVIEW: I bought the Sydney Sweeney body wash

This is the first (and perhaps only) time I will review any products for this blog, but after seeing Sydney Sweeney hock this body wash on social media, I felt like the public deserved an honest accounting of its value. I am NOT a pervert, but I know that some people out there ARE perverts, and they should know if they are being taken advantage of by very seductive marketing ploys.

To conduct this review, I purchased (this is NOT a paid advertisement, though I wish it was) the "Fragrant Falls" scent, one of FOUR different body wash scents available for purchase - including "Pine Tar", which sounds like something I want to keep away from my "bat". Dr. Squatch says this product is "all-natural" and free of sulfates, parabens, and phthalates, which, cool, I suppose? Those all sound bad and phthalates are known to potentially cause birth defects, so thanks, Dr. S!

MY REVIEW: It's (fairly expensive) scented soap. Dr. Squatch Body Wash performs its assignment admirably. I'm not sure what "Fragrant Falls" are supposed to smell like, but the Dr. Squatch version smells eerily similar to the standard blue label Old Spice or Speed Stick from back in the day. If you squirt some of it on a loofah and then use it to scrub your butthole, you will leave your shower with a clean and fresh-smelling anus. The container says it provides "all-day moisturization" but I have naturally oily gindaloon skin, so I cannot attest to the merits of this claim.

Here is what I can tell you that Dr. Squatch WILL NOT do:

• it will NOT magically manifest Sydney Sweeney dressed as a sexy genie in your bathroom, no matter how long or how hard you rub the . . . container;

• it will NOT increase the size of male genitalia (perhaps one of the ladies in our audience test this on female human breasts and report back their results);

• it will NOT remind you of Sydney Sweeney when you drink it (though, I only consumed a small amount); and

• it will NOT make your wife think highly of you - when my wife opened the package she laughed audibly, brought the body wash into the living room, and asked me if I purchased the "Sydney Sweeney Body Wash" before shaking her head disapprovingly and tossing it at my feet as she walked away (apparently, she has Instagram).

In short, Dr. Squatch body wash is a worthwhile purchase if you like the smell of traditional masculine soaps and aren't opposed to spending extra for a premium product made from natural ingredients.

While I am not susceptible to traditional marketing ploys, the Sydney Sweeney angle did convince me to purchase some and use it for content to entertain you on this blog.

You're welcome.