The 2025 Milkers Of The Year Awards
- bartleby
- 1 day ago
- 2 min read
CLICK TO READ THE AWARDS
Folks, it’s that time of year again. Time for our annual Jubilee of Jugs, where we Marvel at the Mightiest of Melons, Tout the Titans of Titillation, Recognize Rod-Raising Royalty, and Crown the most Captivating of Cannons.
It’s the 2025 Milkers of the Year Awards, and this year feels . . . different.
In 2024, we celebrated the victories of the Round Mound Revolution.
Bosoms won. We won.
After years of siege, strategic marginalization, and outright hostility from the CommunASSts, mammaries reclaimed lost ground and breasts, bosoms, and boobies returned to prominence.
Hills were taken. Banners were raised. Fabric stretched freely once again.
The return of Mammoth Milk Fountains to the rightful place atop the altar of beauty proved that femininity, optimism, and unapologetic abundance are universal truths and embedded in the core of the human condition. And while the Great Culture War of the new millennium remains active, the victories we claimed were substantive and real.
And so were the consequences.
Winning didn’t bring peace; it brought weight, and not the fun kind that strains bra straps, but the kind that settles in once the cheering stops. Because when bosoms rose to the top, not everyone rose equally. Old alliances grew strained. New jealousies flared. Differed interests, differed appetites, differed understandings of victory began pulling us in opposite directions. Keeping the Calcium Coalition coalesced has proved more challenging than storming the hill in the first place.
Now is not the time for niggles (it means COMPLAINTS!) over nipple aesthetics or skirmishes over the scruples of silicone and saline. We, the Breast Men of the West, must remember who our true enemies are. The CommunASSts threat was not extinguished in 2024. It waits patiently for distraction, for division, for us to turn away from our beloved Decadent Dairy Dumplings and train our weapons inward, while their affinity for apple bottoms quietly slips back into relevance.
We cannot let that happen.
Aim not at your Bust-Besotted Brethren, but at the Dumper-Loving Devotees. For when the moment of judgment arrives, who better to have at your side than an ally devoted to Awe-Inspiring Aoogahs? Steel yourselves. Fill your chalices with the finest of dairy and raise them together in Bosom-Loving Brotherhood.
The battles have been won; the work to maintain the reign is now.
Welcome, friends, to the 2025 Milkers of the Year Awards.
