The 2025 Vintage Milk Vessels Award
- bartleby
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 6 hours ago
Vintage Milk Vessels Division
Past Winners: Sarah Palin (2024), Martha Stewart (2023)
While Father Time does, indeed, remain undefeated, these women and their Paleolithic Era Pontoons seem difficult for him to claim. The Vintage Milk Vessels Division exists to remind everyone that some women age gracefully, some age impressively, and then some seem to refuse to age regardless of their trips around the sun.
These are no Granny Glands offering you a Werther's Original and fading quietly into memory. These Bouncy Bronze-Agers are full, structurally sound monuments to merriment, still commanding attention well past their societally recommended "best use" date.
Who knew the Fountain of Youth was filled with milk?
The 2025 Vintage Milk Vessel Winner: Elizabeth Hurley
In her first year of eligibility in the VMW Division (60 and over), Elizabeth Hurley easily takes the crown and could plausibly win this division (and a few others) every single year on baseline excellence alone. This Beautifully Barrel Chested Brit from the crown didn't win based on a singular, culture-freezing moment. The Top Heavy Temptress just kinda posts an absurd amount of photos and videos of herself in various states of dress and undress, looking better than a 60-year-old should.
Yes, the steady glow of Instagram posts of her Tremendous Ts and Crumpets has a habit of finding its way onto other platforms where people marvel at Hurley and become gobsmacked that Austin Powers' fembot wife is now 60-years-old. It's a shame that we don't see more of Hurley on the big screen these days. She's a talented actress, and while I enjoy her seemingly never-ending stream of bikini videos, it appears that she spends most of her days on beaches, yachts, and half-naked in untethered bathrobes. Weirdly, I feel like she's bored, and I wish someone would give her a job.
I had to look up her latest roles, and I can't say I've ever heard of Christmas in the Caribbean (2022), which I assume is the sequel to Christmas in Paradise (which also somehow came out in 2022). Regardless, it's good that Hurley is still working, as she will need to maintain an impressive resume to retain the VMV crown as Salma Hayek turns 60 in 2026, setting up a showdown of Titular Titans.
VMV Honorable Mentions: Jamie Lee Curtis, Christie Brinkley
Jamie Lee Curtis
People forget that the nepo baby of actors Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis wields some of the most Hallowed Hermaphroditic Howitzers in Hollywood (true story). Yes, Curtis is basically a communist and has adopted every destructive cultural fad of her lifetime, but she wasn't monstrous in the wake of Charlie Kirk's murder in front of the entire world, and her contributions to educating young men on the merits of mammaries have been significant.
Case in point, while doing publicity for the sequel to Freaky Friday in August, Jamie Lee Curtis, perhaps inspired by Sydney Sweeney's cultural ascendancy, showed up to an interview wearing a low-cut, cleavage-revealing dress. Clips of the 67-year-old's plunging neckline began circulate social media and introduced a new generation of young men to the fact that JLC has very large breasts.
Bosoms that can still infiltrate and saturate the culture after 67-years are true Vintage Milk Vessels.
Christie Brinkley
The Uptown Girl is now 71 years old, but you wouldn't have guessed it from the photo she posted to Instagram last April. Decades removed from her Sports Illustrated glory, Brinkley posted a photo of herself in a red bikini, looking like she woke up and made up her mind (lyrics from the song) to remind everyone that she still looks pretty close to the girl who almost made Clark Griswald drive his entire family into oncoming traffic.