The 2025 Breast in Show Champion
- bartleby
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 7 hours ago
THE 2025 MILKERS OF THE YEAR
BREAST IN SHOW CHAMPION
Past Champions: Sydney Sweeney (2024), Lauren Boebert (2023), Lara Logan (2022), Ghislaine Maxwell (2021)
Your 2025 Division Winners . . .
The 2025 Milkers of the Year, Breast in Show Champion is . . .
***drumroll please***
(click and watch the video)
WINNER: Sydney Sweeney's Pendulous Paragons of Patriotism are Flappr's 2025 Milkers of the Year!
Yes, folks, in an outcome that should come as a surprise to literally no one, Sweeney has become our first back-to-back, Breast in Show Champion. In an era where attention spans are measured in nano-seconds, queens get devoured the second the algorithm gets bored. But Sweeney's reign didn’t just survive 2025 — it expanded. From red carpets to movie screens to advertisements for jeans, she continued to be the name on everyone’s lips, the titular topic on our timelines, and the All-Natural-Shoulder Boulders that keep cutting through the noise. When people talk about “star power,” this is what they mean: the ability to snatch your attention and refuse to let you avert your gaze.
And look away, we did not.
In 2025, Sydney Sweeney’s Marxist-Mashing Mommy Milkers were worth more than the GDP of many countries in Africa. American Eagle's stock value rose roughly 60% following the launch of its ad campaign. She starred in The Housemaid, the highest-grossing and most profitable movie of her career. She sold soap that allegedly included some of her bathwater, and Dr. Squatch increased sales by 20%. We learned that she's a more than adequate marksman with a pistol, that she can throw a strike from the mound at Fenway, and sink a 95-footer on the ice at the United Center.
Sustained cultural occupation. Total Dairy Dominance. She has no equal.
Yet, this is not to say 2025 was a cakewalk. Sweeney stands as the altar of all things that communist ass lovers hate. Blonde. Busty. Feminine. Happy. Sydney Sweeney is the All-American Girl, and they spent 2025 trying to tear her to shreds.
First, they photographed her at her home, catching her in a bikini, makeup-less, hair a mess, and relaxing by the pool. They tried to slander her Supple Summits of Superiority by suggesting that they have been "surgically enhanced", forcing Sweeney to deny the accusation. Then they tried to brand her “Midney Sweeney” because she dared to exist as a human being in the privacy of her own backyard.
Then she filmed an advertisement for American Eagleand they thought they had finally found a way to eradicate her presence from the culture. They called her a symbol of white supremacy and eugenics. They pulled her voter registration, revealed she is republican and put a target on her back. They demanded she apologize because "white people shouldn't joke about genetic superiority". They tried every trick in the CommunASSt manifesto to take down our Empress with Enchanting Endowments.
They tried, but Sydney Sweeney didn't apologize, and she didn't quiver.
Instead, she stared down the face of third-wave feminism and global-Marxism and with a look of disgust on her face said "no mas." She laughed off the attacks and continued being a source of joy, beauty, and triumph for all those exhausted by a generation's worth of humorless, soul-crushing, woke scolds.
Our Happy Warrior with Heavenly Hindenburgs suffered the slings and arrows, but kept calm and carried on in 2025 because she knew her reign had only just begun.
In early September, Sweeney stepped onto the red carpet of the Emmys in a red gown reminiscent of a Roman Centurion stepping into battle - a striking, old-Hollywood silhouette that hugged every curve and spotlighted her Sumptuous Sovereign Spheres. Within seconds of her hitting the stage to announce an award, her Bouncing Beacons sent a message to her dissenters: "You will not survive here. You are a CommunASSt. And this is the land of Milkers now." When morning came, others may have taken home the statutes, but Sydney had taken the world.
Then came Variety’s Power of Women event, and with it Sydney Sweeney's silver, shimmering, semi-sheer gown that clung to her Curvaceous Cantaloupes like liquid mercury. Fashion writers tried to demonize it, jealous ugmos tried to moralize it, and the internet broke into a million pieces. This wasn’t a dress meant to be “tasteful.” It was a glamorous, areola-exposing and unapologetically feminine flag pole planted firmly in the faces of the media elites, activists, and AWFLs who spent an entire year trying to destroy her Round Mound Revolution.
Sweeney turned Variety’s Power of Women event into the Women of Power Event. Her dress was a perfectly executed Areola Assault that the world knows that the current regime is ruled by an Warlord, her name is Sydney Sweeney, she has massive boobs, and she's not afraid to use 'em.
Every empire needs a center, every story a heroine, every age a set of world-changing breasts. In ours, Sydney Sweeney's Hegemonic Honeydews stand alone. Sydney Sweeney is not a trend, nor a bump in the road; she is two Magnificent Milky Mountains; she is the horizon.
Congratulations to Sydney Sweeney, Flappr's 2025 Milkers of the Year.
