The 2025 Mommy Milky Division
- bartleby
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 7 hours ago
The Mommy Milky Division
Past Winners: Nancy Mace (2023 and 2024), Lara Logan (2022)
Mommy Milkies are mammaries in their highest and most demanding form -functional, life-giving, and civilization-sustaining. Given their importance, it should come as no shock that the Mommy Milky Division is the flagship division of these awards.
The MM conference is the SEC of the Milkersphere, where blue-chip prospects go to be stress-tested, where pretenders are exposed, and where champions are forged under pressure.
Winner: Karoline Leavitt
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt made her inaugural MOTY appearance last year, earning an Honorable Mention in the Rookie of the Year Division. In 2025, she didn’t just take the next step. She snatched a crown.
At the mere age of 28, Leavitt secured an appointment from Donald Trump and assumed one of the most demanding roles in American politics. This job demands insane hours, to lie with a smile on your face, and the ability to stand toe-to-toe with bad-faith journalists set on kneecapping the Trump administration and ushering in a return to Marxist Asscentricity.
Leavitt didn’t just survive her first year; she thrived, outmaneuvering the media with preparation, discipline, a clear grasp of the facts, and her Pillowy Pyramids of Persuasion.
Standing at the lectern, Leavitt and her Nourishing New Hampshire Num Nums are often cloaked in sharp, form-fitting dresses and suits, projecting a level of beauty and competence that stands in stark contrast to the rambling, asexual mess that preceded her. In December, she announced she was pregnant with her second child, signaling a return of her Baby-Feeding Beacons of Hope and reminding the culture that you can have children before 35 years old and not ruin your "career".
Karoline Leavitt has been more than we could've hoped for, perhaps more than we deserve, and she's our 2025 Mommy Milky Champion.
Mommy Milky Honorable Mention: Olivia Culpo, Nancy Mace
Nancy Mace
As the back-to-back reigning champion of the Mommy Milky Division in 2023 and 2024, Nancy Mace seemed like a lock to win this division a third straight time and challenge for her first Breast in Show title. Instead, she finds herself dethroned from the division that once rested atop her Prolific Palmetto-State-Pontoons.
The problem wasn’t collapse or lack of effort. Mace exemplified Dairy Decadence throughout the year, including a multi-day string of workout videos posted to Instagram and a road trip back to Washington, D.C., dressed only in her pajamas. Moreover, "Nancy Mace Boobs" still ranks among the top milker-related Google search terms, solidifying this truth: the Macey Milker Effect remains potent.
No, the problem for Mace in 2025 was overexposure. Too self-aware. Too online. A bit too much drama off the field and too much Jarvis. The mystique took a hit as her social media feed filled up with clapbacks, memes, and self-referential posts that chipped away at what made her unique. A Mommy Milky champion doesn’t reply on X. She presides. She lets the presence of her Lowcountry Love Launchers do the talking. Mace still looks the part and still has the fighting spirit of a contender, but tried too hard to capture a third MM division crown.
We look forward to seeing if Mace, now running for Governor, can transform her Colossal Congressional Casabas into Grand Gubernatorial Gobsmackers during her 2026 comeback tour.
Olivia Culpo
In 2023, shortly after getting engaged to 49ers star running back Christian McCaffrey, Culpo said in a social media post that "I feel like the day after my wedding I'm just gonna rip out my IUD and start trying (to have his babies)," And then this former Miss Rhode Island, Miss USA, and Miss Universe did exactly that. Culpo and McCaffrey tied the knot in June 2024. In March of 2025, she announced they were expecting their first child together and then gave birth to a beautiful little girl last July.
"I can't wait to marry you, fuck your brains out, and have your babies" has to be the sexiest thing a woman can say. That Culpo and her Baby Feeding Beacons of Hope followed through is even more sexy and, in some ways, an act of defiance in our post-modern world. Christian McCaffrey, who wed, bed, and bred this woman, is a very lucky man. Western civilization thanks them for their efforts.
Dishonorable Mention: Katy Perry
Katy Perry, bestowed with some of the most prodigious Pop Star Pontoons ever seen, disgraced herself in 2025 after announcing she had begun dating deposed dictator Justin Trudeau. We always knew Perry had politics to the left of Fidel Castro, but we never thought she'd start dating his son! The result is a fall from grace that feels deeply unfortunate: a woman blessed with legendary milkers paired with a CommunASSt Canuck who must gag at the sight of such Glandular Glory (also because he's possibly a homosexual).
For shame, Katy. Your ancestors weep.