We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news!
We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Editor's Note: apologies in advance to dudes named Kevin. This one's going to be a rough read for you.
Very Important News!
Donald Trump's Lawyer: might actually be 'The World's Hottest Lawyer'
In previous iterations of T.I.T.S, I've written about this Brazilian woman who claims to be 'The World's Hottest Lawyer'.
I was never invited to join the committee for deciding such matters, but if I had to choose. . . I think I might pick Alina Habba-Habba (think Hubba-Hubba, it's a funny pun, you should laugh).
She's gorgeous and look, before you pull the trigger on the "sexism" accusations. . . I'm sure she's very good at her job!
Now, would I want 'The World's Hottest Lawyer' defending me against a tyrannical DA whose sole mission in life is to ruin me and the empire my family built?
Hmph. when you put it that way, I think I'd probably prefer to have 'The World's Most Competent Lawyer, Who Is Still Attractive, But Kind of Hides It So That People Take Her Serious'. That's just me, though.
I mainly picked this story because I don't know anything about this Hailey Bieber person. I've heard the name and I assume she's somehow related to Justin Bieber, but I've been too afraid to ask because not knowing makes me feel old.
Ok, so according to my in-depth research, Hailey Bieber is the wife of Justin Bieber and the daughter of Stephen Baldwin! I think Stephen is the non-communist, non-accidentally killing someone, Baldwin! Fascinating!
Look at that, we all learned something today. Anyways, she's pretty and apparently, she's modeling for Victoria's Secret.
What the fuck is a thongkini? It sounds kind of rad? It would seem that my research this week has not yet concluded.
**commencing thongkini research**
Folks, , , , it pains me to inform you that a thongkini is just a "high-cut swimwear style that comes with a triangle-shaped bottom with minimal coverage over the hips and butt". I mean, that's still kind of rad, but thong bikinis have existed for decades - long before 'Pop Sugar' tried to coin a new term for them.
Anyways, Sydney appears to be wearing a swimsuit in the trailer for this new movie Anyone But You. But is she sporting a 'thongkini'?
No, I cannot see how by any definition that could be considered a thongkini. Pop Sugar has bamboozled us all! This has been a failed exercise. I apologize.
Ok, I am highlighting this story strictly for educational purposes only. I want to help inform and educate the public by presenting the photo below (where Sofia Vergara is wearing a thong) and allow you to contrast it with the thongkini debacle we just witnessed above.
Ok, please proceed with examining Exhibit B(um) below - again educational purposes only! Don't make this weird!
See how Sofia's bathing suit bottom barely covers her hips or buttocks? That's a thong AND if paired with a bathing suit top, then that would be a thongkini.
See? Makes total sense, right? Glad we were able to clear that up.
Also, this was clearly a shot across the bow against Salma Hayek, right? The Most Intriguing Latin Female Feud of 2023 (aka the "MILF Feud of 2023") rages on, even if I've stopped doing that bit each week.
If you're new here, you should go check those blogs out. They were funny.
Moving on . . .
No. No. No.
This is so fucking disrespectful. I don't care how harassed you are at a gym, keep your thottery away from the cemetery. People visit these places to mourn their loved ones and they don't need to see you filming squat vids to post to TikTok.
Have a little decency. My grandmas are buried in cemeteries for fucks sake.
These hard-bodied harlots better not be whoring about near my grandmas.
Uhhhh . . . I don't think that's confidence she's feeling.
It's probably pain or itching from the small bump-like ulcers on her genitals, anus or mouth from the herpes her boyfriend dropped on her. Though, I wouldn't know personally, I do not have herpes. I am married and generally not diseased.
Yikes. I wonder how he broke the news to her. I wonder if he broke the news to her at all? Maybe she just noticed some funky stuff on her minge and had it checked out by a doctor?
If you do have to tell someone that you've given them herpes, what's the proper protocol? Do you get them a gift? Maybe AirPods or something? You know, something they're destined to lose, since they'll never be able to lose the other thing you've also given them.
Again, I wouldn't know. I don't have herpes.
Personally, I've never met a Kevin that wasn't a total cunt. I'm not a big Kevin guy, just never vibed with Kevins. Dudes named Kyle? I have no quarrel with them. Kyles are often Monster Energy Drinking bros that drive trucks and are usually down for a good hang.
A Kyle might even bring over a case to watch the game! A Kevin would never.
Now, despite my Kevin skepticism, I cannot deny that this video just handed a massive W to Kevins from all over the world.
Why did she do it? I would venture that she most likely suffers from some form of mental illness (who else would date a Kevin, amirite?). A face tattoo is always a very wild move. A face tattoo of the name of a man you may one day break up with - that's bonkers.
A face tattoo for a Kevin? She should be institutionalized.
So, millennials wear ankle high socks and Gen Z wear low cut socks? And that's how you can tell a millennial apart from a Gen Z'er?
Hmph. Maybe, but I think it would be easier to just look and see if the person is still single, lives alone with cats, drinks too much wine and has anti-depressants strewn about their house. That's probably the millennial. The one with the gender reassignment scars? That's probably the Gen Z'er.
Actually, I'm calling cap (Gen Z slang for 'this is a lie') on this video. I think this video was made at the behest of a foot fetish guy, who wanted a great excuse for gawking at women's feet in public.
Woman: "YOU PERVERT, WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY FEET!?!"
Man: "Oh, sorry, madam, I'm not a depraved, foot-fetish-guy, I just saw a TikTok video where a woman said you can tell what generation someone is from by looking at their socks! By looks of it, you're Gen Z!"
Woman: "Oh, I see . . . I guess I can't call the police if you saw it on Tik Tok. No cap, thems the rules."
Man: "Ah yes, ONG, fam. Thank you for your mercy and understanding. By the way, my name is Kevin and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind selling me those socks, so that I may smell them while masturbating later."
Oh, what, you Kevins think you're clever? That's right, I'm on to your stinky feet sniffing ways. Degenerates. All of you.
From the article:
Kaitlyn Siragusa, who goes by Amouranth on Twitch and OnlyFans, is adding her own special ingredient to a beer she’s creating with Polish beer company The Order of Yoni’s: her own vaginal yeast.
The company, which announced the collaboration on Oct. 30, promotes alcoholic beverages as a sensual experience in the form of beer. Each drink consists of lactic acid from vaginal bacteria to bring pleasure to every sip, the site reads.
“It’s hilarious. People will buy it for sure,” Siragusa, 29, told Dexerto. “I don’t know if they’ll actually drink it, I mean, they’ll probably drink it.”
Fellas , , , I'm begging you, do not drink the forbidden vaginal eGirl beer.
There is another way. Stop spending money on OnlyFans. Save it for self-improvement of ANY kind. Join a church. Join a club. Do some community service. Get out of the house. Meet real humans. Hell, even looking for a mail-order bride is healthier than drinking vaginal eGirl beer. You're better than this!
As an asside (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes), how would you rate Amouranth's bottom, Al Pacino from Heat?
You know what, Al Pacino from Heat? Totally agree on this one. That is a very nice bottom. And yes, I did choose to embed that fairly unrelated video specifically so that I could run this 'Al Pacino from Heat' bit for a fifth straight week.
Sorry, Kevins, it makes me laugh.
GOP Debate #3: happened on Wednesday in Florida.
My opinions don't matter, so please enjoy the following choose your adventure analysis by filling the blanks to reaffirm your priors.
"<insert candidate here> clearly won the debate last night, <he/she> had the clearest vision for how to solve <insert issue here> and beat Biden in 2024. Meanwhile, <insert candidate you hate here> was a total fucking retard and embarrassed <himself/herself>. <insert candidate you hate here> should just drop out of the fucking race and commit self-harm. What a fucking loser."
Moving on . . .
A cynical person would see Tim Scott unveiling a girlfriend at Wednesday's debate and insist that it was a ploy to quell rumors that he's "on the down low".
Not me, though. I would never! I am not that cynical. She's cute. Good for them.
He's definitely not gay. He proved it last night. Dude clearly loves punani. Not gay.
Charles C. W. Cooke | NR: Why Andy Beshear Won in Kentucky
The one in which Charlie Cooke Editors of National Review explains the interesting dynamics of Andy Beshear's continued success in Kentucky politics:
[V]oters in Kentucky “really like Beshears” and they’re also pretty conservative, and under Kentucky’s current arrangement, they get to have it both ways: They get the Beshear family in charge of the executive branch, and the Republican Party in control of the state. As a policy guy, I know which I’d rather have.
The GOP did not have the big wins it was hoping for on Tuesday. Maybe it's abortion. Maybe it's Trump. Maybe it's just bad candidates.
It is something though. Democrats are unpopular, but for some reason, Republicans are less popular despite the public liking (most of) their ideas better. To me, it's mirror season for everyone on "our side". It's time for everyone to take a good hard look because whatever it is that "we" are trying to sell (including our candidates) the average normie voter isn't buying.
Andrew Stiles | Free Beacon: Jake Tapper Got All His Celebrity Friends To Plug His New Book. It Still Flopped.
From the article:
What happened next: The book still flopped—sort of like the time all those celebrities endorsed Hillary Clinton in 2016 but no one cared. All the Demons Are Here has sold just 13,196 copies since its release on July 11, according to the Daily Beast.
Crucial context: That's not very good. For the sake of comparison, Fox News host Bret Baier's latest book, To Rescue the Constitution: George Washington and the Fragile American Experiment, sold more copies in just one week following its release last month.
That's a shame.
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain updates you on the political adventures of one Susanna Gibson, a Democrat running for a seat in the Virginia House of Delegates, who was outed as a camgirl (having sex on livestream for money) during her campaign:
Tuesday’s election was a big night for Virginia Democrats, who maintained control of the state Senate and captured a majority in the House of Delegates.
Unfortunately for “HotWifeExperience” fans, however, Gibson lost the District 57 seat to Republican David Owen by a margin of about 900 votes out of some 34,000 votes cast. So now Gibson can go back to showing her nasty gash to strangers for money, and I will remain in awe of Daily Wire reporter Luke Rosiak, who got paid to watch the “HotWifeExperience” videos. Nice work, if you can get it.
A literal porn actress came within 900 votes of winning an election in suburban Virginia. I think this is alarming. You may think this is a sign of "how dumb and depraved" that constituency is - and you may be right!
But it's mirror season. Whatever the case, she almost won and Virginia Dems did win control away from the local GOP.
You can blame the voters, or you can try and win them over. Either way, their vote counts the same.
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily Chimp Warfare News
The one in which Animal shares some fascinating insights into the ways chimpanzee's conduct intra-species warfare:
Information obtained during hilltop reconnaissance shaped whether the chimpanzees made forays into enemy territory, the study found, with these apes appearing more apt to do so when the risk of confrontation was lower. The study, the researchers said, records for the first time the use of this age-old human military strategy by our species’ closest living relatives.
Pretty cool stuff.
David Thompson: Not Really Worth The Effort, Love; and I Know, Let’s All Pretend That Behaviour Doesn’t Matter
The one in which David shares with you a video from a mentally ill, genderfluid, man/woman/alien/antelope:
From the article:
She’s “genderfluid,” you see, and “goes by all pronouns.” But if insufficiently pretentious people refer to her as she – i.e., accurately – this simply won’t do and scolding will ensue. And your “ally” status, which you’re supposed to crave and be willing to beg for, will be downgraded to merely “performative.” Despite the claim that she’s, like, you know, totally fine with “all pronouns.”
Because the scolding must never end. The scolding being the point.
Important Sports News!
TNF: Undrafted DII rookie outplays number 1 overall pick; Bears win ugly, ugly, game over the Panthers.
Whoooooo boy, I am sorry that America had to watch that suckfest last night, but the Bears did win (as I predicted). Tyson Bagent, an undrafted rookie out of Shepherd University, did outplay Bryce Young, the number 1 overall pick out of Alabama, last night.
The 2021 Heisman Trophy Winner (Top DI player), beaten by the 2021 Harlon Hill Trophy Winner (Top DII player). That was pretty amazing to see.
I actually feel bad for Young and Panthers' fans. You trade up for a QB, giving up future draft capital, only to watch the guys drafted behind him comically outperform (Stroud, primarily). This is exactly what happened with Mitch Trubisky, who didn't the Bears to trade up and draft him, after he was taken ahead of DeShaun Watson and Patrick Mahomes. Bryce Young must be feeling pretty shitty right now.
Oh well! The added bonus to last night's win is that the Bears hold the Panther's 1st round pick next year, meaning that the Bears improved their overall odds of getting next year's top overall pick by winning a game. A true win-win.
Yea, that dude is wearing a thong. If that Eagles coach was wearing a bikini top, he'd have been wearing a thongkini.
See how all parts of this blog fit together? It's planned that way, obviously. Guess what . . . that coach's name is, you guessed it, Kevin!
Actually, his name is Matt, but how funny would it have been if he was a Kevin?
Connor Bedard: is very good; only 18 years old.
The Blackhawks are only 5-7 this season. After several miserable seasons (where the team wasted the primes of Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane) nobody expected them to be particularly good.
Connor Bedard has been as advertised though! Dude is only 18, is surrounded by bleh, and already has 7 goals and 4 assists! He leads the team in goals and points!
Did you watch that video? That lil fucker dipsy-doodled right around the goalie! This is fun! Hockey is enjoyable to watch in Chicago right now.
I hope this kid can keep his mind on hockey and avoid bad influences . . .
I agree with Breckie Hill Instagram Comment Guy, ericzeis, who says that "[i]t's so sad seeing dudes simp for someone like this online. Find God." I hope Breckie finds God too and leaves Connor Bedard alone! He needs to focus on Hockey!
Also, why is she wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey? And why is the tag sticking out of her thong? She's not even wooing him properly!
Yeah, well if you paid good money to take your girlfriend to an NFL game and had to watch some dude name Clayton Tune sling the rock against the Browns defense . . . you might seek alternative ways to recoup your investment as well.
Seriously, that game was TERRIBLE. The Browns won 27-0 and it wasn't even as close as the score indicates. The Browns held the Cardinals to 58 yards of total offense. Tune went 11-20, for 58 yards and two picks.
The NFL can't have games like this happen. It's huge a disservice to the game and the fans. Thankfully, for these two degenerate lovebirds, they left and made porn together. If they conceived during the act, they must name the child Clayton, or Tune, after the reason such life was created.
Also, nice BFTs.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: lololol, yup, that's Mikayla Demaiter flaunting her 'long legs and curves' in a 'black low-cut crop top'.
This was a very literal BSO headline!
I get why so many of you demand that Mikayla make weekly appearances in this blog. She's beautiful, even if I think it's a misnomer to continue to refer to her as "Hockey Goalie Mikayla Demaiter", given that she hasn't played hockey in several years. But I'm just being pedantic, she's a lovely girl.
Unfortunately, Mikayla Demaiter Instagram Comment Guy, @footguykevin, had to make things weird . . .
We get it, Kevin, you think she's 'Beautyfull' (sic), we all do. Stop making everything feel so creepy. You just know he was staring at her feet the whole time.
I know I've written about Paige VanZant in a previous iteration of T.I.T.S. and I've seen her name on plenty of other blogs, but I don't know why she's relevant. I thought maybe she was the daughter of Steven Van Zandt (of Silvio Dante and E-Street Band fame), but they spell their names slightly differently.
I will conduct research to correct this oversight.
Ok, after conducting thorough research, Paige VanZant is an American mixed martial artist, bare knuckle boxer, professional wrestler, author, and model. Oh, ok, so she's definitely not Steven Van Zandt's daughter, she's an MMA/Instagram girl!
Now, let's check out those photos:
Wow, so that's Paige VanZant? What are your thoughts, Silvio Dante (played by Steven Van Zandt) from The Sopranos, how would you rate her appearance?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Silvio Dante from the Sopranos, I completely disagree here! Paige is beautiful and she looks stunning (even if a bit too coquettish) in that photo! What are you moralizing her career choices or something?
That seems hypocritical of you! You ran the Bada Bing before you were shot in the penultimate episode of the series!
Oh well, to each their own, I suppose.
Very Important Meme of the Week
Good work, @midnightmitch, you've won meme of the week.
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