The internet was a flutter yesterday after images sprang out of a barrel chested climate activist protesting topless in the UK:
Apparently, this top-loaded, tree-hugging, global-warming-warrior is part of a group called "Extinction Rebellion" and is on hunger strike until Boris Johnson addresses the campaign group's demands and blah, blah, blah, we're all gonna die unless you eat bugs, live in pods and drink your own poo water.
We're not here to talk about climate, unless you're talking about how the size of some boobs might result in them having one separate and discrete from the rest of the body to which they are attached.
Yep, fellas, , , , (and ladies, all three of you), we're here to discuss the swollen milkers that sit atop our modern day Joan of Arched Back's chest.
Let's clarify one thing to start - judging by the size, shape and density of these howitzers, they APPEAR (this is unconfirmed and we apologize if we are incorrect) to be less natural than Kamala Harris' laugh.
THAT'S OK! Lots of women get breast implants every year. In fact, according to a recent report, over 400,000 women per year decide to take the car in for a new set of hubcaps. That's cool and so long as people are doing it safely, more power to them!
The uniqueness of this particular set of sweater cannons is that the owner chose to go BIG, like REAL BIG.
Let's say she started off blessed with Mercury-sized-orbs and when presented with choices of enhancement, she could've stayed within the same universe and picked, say Mars or Venus sized upgrades.
Not our girl, she said. . . give me the Neptunes, check that - make 'em Uranuses!
AND THAT, in my humble opinion, is why so many people online were so taken aback by this woman's high lung capacity - we don't often see big fake tits ("BFTs") anymore.
BFTs used to be THE thing in the 80s and 90s. The look of that era was to have a tiny waist and comically large weapons of mass seduction.
This style was featured most notably (and disproportionately) atop the frame of Baywatch star, Pamela Anderson, among others (whom all seemed to have also been on Baywatch at some point).
As tastes evolved, and the era of enormous asses took hold, the size of implants seemed to shrink in size.
No longer do women go to their doctors seeking soccer ball sized improvements, but appeared desire a more "natural" look proportionate to their height and weight.
The modern starlett now merely seeks enhances her existing assets while maintaining a "maybe they're real" look, rather than installing more bountiful offerings and removing all doubt as to their authenticity.
No big deal. I'm not here to advocate for a return to the days of big hair and bigger implants! I am firmly in the camp of all bewbs, real, fake, big or small are (more or less) pretty fantastic.
If women want more natural looking fake bewbs, then I'm here to support them in that endeavor.
It follows however, that, it should be no surprise that people taken aback when they witnessed the unsheathing those two bodacious, climate-protesting, bolt-ons (allegedly).
Why? Because BFTs are a rarity and every now and again it's kind of fun to see a set of old-fashioned, big, fake, circus tits.
The BFTs transport many an American to a time and place when such enormities were common, the world was simpler and people seemed much less miserable.
That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.
But, also, I'm still under the weather, my ear remains swollen, clogged and ringing, so if people find this offensive, I unequivocally blame my illness for this very inappropriate blog.
Either way, you can't be mad.
Promise?
Ok, cool.
Happy Friday and God Bless America.