Welcome to the BIG TDs Football Blog, my new semi-regular blogging series where I share with you my special (bad special) brand of football takes! And, yes, you are correct, BIG TDs is a mammary related pun and I do go to great lengths to include them in nearly every blog I write. This blog series will be more football focused, though - I promise, unless there is a crossover event that requires boob discussion.
For the first iteration of this series, I think it would be fun to review the first quarter of the season by way of my 2023 NFL Season Preview, published a mere 4 weeks ago.
So, let's break things down by division.
AFC East
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. New York Jets
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Miami Dolphins
4. New England Patriots
Through Week 4
Buffalo Bills (3-1) - Somehow, the Bills lost to the Jets on opening night, despite knocking Aaron Rodgers out for the season on the 4th play of the game. Since then, they've won three straight and shit-pumped their opponents by a combined score of 123-33. Josh Allen has been very good! Maybe this is the year the Bills finally win a Super Bowl? It would be the first win for this franchise since that one dude drank beer out of a girls butt during a tailgate.
Fun fact: Damar Hamlin (or his clone) returned to field for the first time on Sunday. It is genuinely crazy that he died on the field less than a year ago and he was willing to go back out there and tempt fate. Dudes (or their clones) rock!
Miami Dolphins (3-1) - After getting brutalized by the Bills last Sunday, I'm sure it's hard for Dolphins fans to appreciate this right now. . . but the Dolphins are really fucking good! Tua is healthy and running the best offense in the NFL! The defense is shaky right now, but Jalen Ramsey should be back at some point! Vic Fangio is, actually, really good at running defenses! All hope is not lost because of a hard road game against a division rival!
Fun Fact: Dolphins' star defensive back, Xavien Howard, leads the league in (allegedly) most women impregnated at the same time (four).
New England Patriots (1-3) - The Patriots Defense has been very good. Mac Jones has been mediocre and, somewhat surprisingly, the Patriots have not been able to run the ball. All of this adds up to the Patriots not being very good and it's making Bill Belichick sad. Though, it's often hard to differentiate between sad Bill Belichick and not sad Bill Belichick.
Fun fact: A lot of Patriots fans were clamoring about how the Pats were only a few plays away from starting 3-0. . . until Sunday, when the Cowboys boat raced the Pats 38-3. This was the worst loss of Bill Belichick's career.
New York Jets (1-3) - Yeah, I picked the Jets to win this division. . . but Aaron Rodgers' season ended after 4 plays, so I'm going to give myself a pass (*pats self on back*). If Rodgers was healthy, would the Jets be 1-3? No, probably not. In fact, they might be 3-1 or 4-0.
Fun Fact: Despite throwing 27 less passes, Zach Wilson has two more passing touchdowns and nearly as many passing yards as Joe Burrow. That's pretty wild.
Zach Wilson balled out on Sunday Night Football and is now my favorite player root for because everyone's so eager to take a giant shit on his cherub-like face. Yes, Wilson has sucked during his tenure in NY, but the sheer number of people rooting for him to fail is annoying, so I like him. Team Zach, that's me. Yes, that's sad.
AFC North
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cleveland Browns
Through Week 4
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1) - The Ravens are 3-1, but the record doesn't feel as impressive as it looks. They don't really have a "statement win" yet (no, clobbering the Browns with rookie QB making his debut doesn't count) and I feel like the AFC North is full of frauds this year.
Lamar Jackson has played well, but the offense still doesn't look any different than it has in years past (the passing game is still pretty bleh).
Their entire roster is injured (again). The Ravens will probably win this division, but I think that's mostly because the rest of the teams suck this year.
Fun Fact: Ravens tight end, Mark Andrews, absolutely owns the State of Ohio. Andrews has played 21 career games against Cincinnati and Cleveland and amassed 98 catches, 1,200 yards and 16 touchdowns.
2. Cleveland Browns (2-2) - It has to be maddening for Browns fans to see this elite defense be wasted after trading for a franchise QB who has failed to put them over the top.
I've seen this playout in Chicago when the Bears traded for Jay Cutler and failed to achieve anything more than a devastating NFC Title Game loss to the Packers.
Actually, the Browns are somehow a budget, AFC version, of the Bears. They've somehow been even worse and had worse QB play than the Bears. I feel sorry for you guys. We should start a support group or something.
Fun Fact: The Browns should be 3-1, but they somehow lost to the Steelers despite holding them to -7 yards in the fourth quarter of a game they were WINNING! That's only the second time since 1991 that has ever happened before!
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) - From my Preview: "I am buying the George Pickens hype, but not buying the Kenny Pickett hype." How about that? I was right?!
Kenny Pickett has played like a dude who's in over his head (and is now injured) and the people who thought the Steelers were a dark horse AFC Contender look like idiots. It's a small miracle that this team is 2-2, despite having a -38-point differential. This offense is busted, the defense isn't great, and I think the Steelers finish below .500 for the first time in Mike Tomlin's coaching career.
Fun Fact: Mitchell Trubisky is the backup quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and loves to "kiss tittiess (sic)".
4. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3) - Let's see what I had to say about the Bengals in my 2024 season preview: "I am not willing to pick against Joe Burrow, Jamar Chase and Tee Higgins."
Welp, they all can't be winners, folkssss.
The Bengals and Joe Burrow have sucked very, very, very hard this year and they could easily be 0-4. I don't know what's wrong with them, but it could be Burrow's lingering calf injury. Whatever the case, The Bengals offense stinks out loud right now, having scored only 49 points through four games (second lowest in the league) and leading to gems like this one from frustrated players, like Ja'Marr Chase:
Fun Fact: Joe Burrow's QB Rating sits at 69 right now. Nice? I guess that's fun? Actually, no. There is no fun to be had with this team right now. The Bengals fucking suck.
AFC South
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Tennessee Titans
3. Indianapolis Colts
4. Houston Texans
Through Week 4
1. Indianapolis Colts (2-2) - This division is real fucking weird. All of the teams are tied at 2-2 and somehow the Colts look really damn formidable. Anthony Richardson has looked raw throwing the ball, but has run for 4 touchdowns. Gardner Minshew started and won a game for them. They're a fun team that feels like the will hit a ceiling this year and have a chance to make the playoffs in 2024.
Fun Fact: Colts owner, Jim Irsay, donated up to $20m dollars to fly a killer whale from Miami to Seattle in effort to set it free and hopefully save its life. Sadly, the whale died before the freedom flight could take place. Hmph.
2. Houston Texans (2-2) - The Texans are fucking good! I slandered C.J. Stroud in my preview, but he's been, by far, the most impressive QB in this draft class.
I am happy for this franchise, who became an easy punching bag because they wouldn't hire Eric Bieniemy (who the media loves, for some reason). DeMeco Ryans has this team playing really hard and, like the Colts, it feels like they could fuck some shit up next year (but will probably fade later this season)!
Fun Fact: C.J. Stroud is the only rookie in NFL History with 1,212 passing yards, six touchdown passes and no interceptions. Dude is on pace to shatter every rookie passing record.
What a fucking throw. He's putting the Texans on his back right now. That's a very rare thing to see from a rookie QB.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2) - After balling out in Week 1, Trevor Lawrence (and the team as a whole) has looked pretty bleh. The offense feels constipated. Like it's got a big full colon to unload, but it just can't quite breach the rectum. Yes, that's a gross analogy, but it's accurate. The Jags are too talented to continue to struggle. I think they will figure things out and eventually win this division.
Fun Fact: In 2020, approximately 2,100 men between the ages of 20-49 died from Colorectal-Cancer. Constipation is no joke, my dudes.
4. Tennessee Titans (2-2) - From my preview: "Mike Vrabel is an underrated coach who has made chicken salad out of chicken shit for the majority of his time in Nashville. Vrabel will find a way to make this iteration of shitty Titans' personnel competitive again this season (though they will miss the playoffs)."
Nothing more to say here, I nailed this one. I have no idea how this team is 2-2.
Fun Fact: Ryan Tannehill has a 2:4 TD to INT ratio. Again, I have no idea how this team is 2-2. Vrabel is a very good coach.
AFC West
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Kansas City Chiefs
2. Los Angeles Charger
3. Denver Broncos
4. Las Vegas Raiders
Through Week 4
1. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) - I picked the Chiefs to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl (and lose to the 49ers), and I no longer think they will make it that far. Yes, the Chiefs are 3-1, but they could easily be 1-3. There is something missing from this team. The offense doesn't look "special" so far this season. Mahomes has 8 TDs to 4 INTs (he had 11:2 through 4 games last year). It almost seems like they the team is . . . distracted or something?
By playing along with this obvious marketing charade, the Chiefs are now the villains of the NFL. If the football gods exist, they will punish the Chiefs for desecrating NFL Sundays with references to "Swifties". The Chiefs will win this mediocre division; however, football gods willing, they will fall short of making their fourth Super Bowl appearance in five years.
Fun Fact: In a pinch, Taylor Swift can serve as a handy alternative to a level when trying to properly hang picture frames when hanging them on the wall.
2. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2) - Brandon Staley is loved by analytics-focused NFL writers. If you listen to <Generic NFL Podcast Hosted by Two Soy Boys>, the hosts will take turns whacking eachother off when talking about how much they love how Brandon Staley "follows the analytics" when making in-game coaching decisions. Brandon Staley was hired because he was an "expert" on defense. The Chargers defense currently ranks in the bottom five of the league in points allowed. Brandon Staley is a bad coach and Generic Analytics Focused NFL Soy Boys are trying to ruin the game. Justin Herbert is good, though!
Fun Fact: This is Boltman, a superfan who used to dress up as an lightning-human hybrid for Chargers games. He was never paid by the Chargers, but he did try and fight for them to stay in San Diego before they ultimately moved to LA.
Sadly, Boltman no longer attends games. It makes me sad that a franchise with so few true fans, mistreated their most devoted one. Boltman is looking for someone to carry on his Boltman duties in LA. Apparently, you can buy his costume and the license rights to Boltman for 50k. Sounds like a steal, tbh.
3. Oakland Raiders (1-3) - From my NFL preview "The Raiders look aimless right now and feels destined to lose 10+ games. I am confident that this team sucks." Yep. The Raiders are a very weird franchise, owned by a very weird man.
The Raiders have the third oldest roster in the NFL. The Raiders signed the oft-injured, Jimmy Garoppolo, for some reason and he is now injured. The Raiders gave up a first and second round pick for Davante Adams and have no QB to throw to him. The Raiders are lost in the wilderness - they are not actively tanking, but still suck. The Raiders have no plan, they are in football hell.
Fun Fact: Jimmy Garoppolo was offered 'free sex for life' by a Las Vegas brothel after signing with the Raiders. Good for him.
4. Denver Broncos (1-3) - The Broncos could be 3-1 (but choked games away to the Raiders and Commanders) and should be 0-4, but the Chicago Bears are a complete fucking dumpster fire and allowed them to come back from 21 points down to claim their first win of the season.
Here's the GOOD news for Broncos Country ("Let's Ride"): Sean Payton has, thus far, salvaged Russell Wilson's career. Through 4 games, Russ ranks in the top 10 in passing yards (9th), yards per attempt (7th), TDs (2nd) and passer rating (3rd). Yes, some of those stats might be inflated due to garbage time, but I think the general consensus is that Wilson has been pretty fucking good.
Wilson, who by all accounts seems like a douche, was so bad last year that he became the punching bag of the whole league. The mocking became so incessant and ruthless that it caused me started rooting for him. I am glad that he looks back on track (for now) because he's one of the few remaining members of the last generation of QBs that could actually run an NFL offense. When that group is gone, I will miss them, greatly.
Here's the BAD news for Broncos Country ("Let's Ride Straight into a Volcano"): The Broncos defense fucking sucks. Like REALLY bad. They've given up 13 points more than any other team in the league. They gave up SEVENTY points to the Dolphins. How the fuck does that happen?
Editor's note: Why have I written so much about the Denver fucking Broncos? Very odd choice for me, tbh.
Fun Fact: This was a kind of a good defense last year! In 2022, the Broncos D gave up the seventh fewest yards in the NFL (14th fewest points). For some reason, Sean Payton decided to hire Vance Joseph as his defensive coordinator (despite the Broncos having fired him as their Head Coach 5 years ago)! Now they seem destined to fire him again! His defense gave up 300+ passing yards and 4 PASSING TDs to Justin Fields! That was Fields' first 300-yard passing game of his career! They made Justin Fields look like a competent NFL passer! HOW?!