Welcome to the BIG TDs Football Blog, my new semi-regular blogging series where I share with you my special (bad special) brand of football takes! And, yes, you are correct, BIG TDs is a mammary related pun and I do go to great lengths to include them in nearly every blog I write. This blog series will be more football focused, though - I promise, unless there is a crossover event that requires boob discussion.
For the first iteration of this series, I think it would be fun to review the first quarter of the season review of each NFL team so far thus far, while occasionally looking back to what my thoughts where in my 2023 NFL Season Preview.
This is the NFC Quarter Season Review.
You can read my AFC Quarter Season Review here.
Let's do this.
NFC East
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. Philadelphia Eagles
3. New York Giants
4. Washington Commanders
Through Week 4
1. Philadelphia Eagles (4-0) - It hasn't looked as smooth as it did last year, but the Eagles are undefeated and appear to have escaped the letdown most teams suffer after losing a Super Bowl. It's worth noting, however, that the Eagles haven't really played any elite teams yet and won't until the play the Dolphins at home in Week 7. Here's the stretch of games that will determine the NFC East and homefield advantage in the playoffs, starting Week 9: Dallas, BYE, @KC, Buffalo, SF, @Dallas. That's the gauntlet the Eagles must survive to win this Division.
Fun Fact: Women in Philly are wearing Eagles jerseys during $1,000 boudoir photo shoots, which is one of the most Philadelphia things ever.
Reminder, these fans literally ate horse shit after they won the Super Bowl.
2. Dallas Cowboys (3-1) - From my preview blog: "This 2023 Cowboys team has "look incredibly dominant in the regular season only to flame out in the first or second round and get McCarthy fired" written all over it." Nothing has changed here, as highlighted by their dominant start to the season and shocking loss to the Arizona Cardinals in Week 3. This team is very good but is missing whatever it takes to get themselves over the hump.
Fun Fact: The Cowboys haven't reached an NFC Title game since the 1995 season. The only other teams who haven't reached an NFC Title game since 1995 are the Lions and Redskins/Football Team/Commanders. That's pretty bad.
3. Washington Commanders (2-2) - The Commies started 2-0 but were decisively exposed as frauds in a Week 3 ass-kicking from the Bills. Sam Howell has been good and bad and overall mediocre (4:5 TD/INT). Ron Rivera is still firmly on the hot seat and it seems like a near certainty that the team plans to replace him with Eric Bieniemy after they finish the season 7-10 and miss the playoffs.
Fun fact: Earlier this year, a group called the 'Native American Guardians Association' circulated a petition to change the team's name back to the Redskins. The online petition garnered over 100,000 signatures. The people most offended by the Redskins name were white, liberal, sports writers. The team should do this. The team won't do this because they're afraid of the white, liberal, sports writers.
4. New York Giants (1-3) - The Giants had a shitty roster last year and were expected to be shitty, but they ended up being good and winning a playoff game. This winning season created expectations that the Giants could replicate the same results this year with the same shitty roster. They haven't, they stink out loud and should be 0-4. This might be a rare example of how having a successful season might have actually set a franchise back.
Fun Fact: Daniel Jones leads the league in interceptions (6), the Giants have scored the fewest points (46) and have worst point differential in football (-76).
NFC North
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Detroit Lions
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Chicago Bears
Through Week 4
1. Detroit Lions (3-1) - The Lions are slightly better than I thought they'd be. The offense hasn't lost a step from last year and the defense has gotten drastically better. They humiliated the Packers on TNF and they are firmly in control of this division. They should be, they're the best team in the NFC North. In fact, I think the Lions are the team that nobody in the NFC will want to face in the playoffs. The only thing that could get in their way is that they're the Lions and Lions things often to the Lions.
Fun Fact: This dude made a Lions rap song, it's awesome and I ain't lion.
Rizz Level: One Billion.
2. Green Bay Packers (2-2) - Here's what I said in my NFL preview: "I do think that Week 1 vs the Bears might be a rare occasion where the future of two franchises might be determined." I know that sounded like hyperbole, but I was correct. Jordan Love torched the Bears in Week 1, used that momentum to have a strong start to the season and has dispelled any initial fears people had about him taking over the reins from Aaron Rodgers. I still don't think he's very good (56% completion rate), but he's not terrible and that's a huge hurdle for a first-time starter to clear. The Packers are good enough to compete for a wild card spot and that's genuinely maddening to me. I hope Packers fans choke on a log of limburger.
Fun Fact: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Jordan Love still sucks.
What a stupid dickhead.
3. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) - The Vikings were 11-0 in one score games last year. They started the year 0-3 in one score games this year. That's the cruel way that football works. Kirk Cousins leads the league in TD passes (11), Justin Jefferson leads the league in receiving yards (543). The Vikings defense was bad last year and seems bad again this year. The Vikings have somehow lost 7 fumbles and have a -8 turnover differential.
Fun Fact: Kirk Cousins' effort on trying to prevent this pick six (only to get TRUCKED at the end of it) was extremely impressive. Dude can fly.
I can't help it; I watched that stupid Netflix show and now I like Kirk Cousins.
4. Chicago Bears (0-4) - Are you really going to make me do this? The Bears fucking suck, ok? I said they were going to suck. Did I think the Bears would suck quite this bad? No, I did not see the Bears embarrassing themselves this bad, so early in the season.
Justin Fields has sucked and leads the league in pick-sixes (2). Chase Claypool has sucked and has been kicked off the team. This defense sucks and only has two sacks in 4 games (worst in the NFL). The coaches suck and our defensive coordinator may have been, allegedly, raided by the FBI before being fired. The Bears were leading the Broncos by 21 points at the end of the third quarter and somehow lost. This season could not have gone any worse than it has.
This was the nightmare scenario. The Bears are the worst team in the league.
The Bears have lost FOURTEEN straight games and I genuinely don't know when or if they'll win a game this season.
Is this what you wanted? To bathe yourself in my misery? Are you happy now? You people are fucking sick.
The only thing silver lining here is that the Bears currently have the first AND second overall draft picks in the 2024 Draft, which is loaded with QBs. If the Bears were a smart organization, they would fire the Head Coach AND the GM. They should wipe the slate clean and let a new regime work with this draft capital to rebuild the team in their image. Unfortunately, the Bears are not a smart organization and I am sure they will fuck this up.
Fun Fact: With all of this talk about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, people forget the real sports/celebrity romance crossover for the ages:
I miss Brian Urlacher so much. Dude is still an absolute legend; just watch this this interview he did with Jay Cutler. Very based.
AFC South
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. Atlanta Falcons
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Carolina Panthers
Through Week 4
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) - The Bucs and Baker Mayfield have exceeded all expectations. I think people forgot that the Bucs still had a very good defense and two pro-bowl receivers on offense, but they do. I don't think anyone believed that Baker Mayfield, on his fourth team in less than two years, would put together the best stretch of his career, but he has. This team looks decisively better than any other team in this dogshit division.
Fun Fact: Baker Mayfield gets sexually aroused when he sees favorite defensive matchups:
Just guys bein' dudes.
2. New Orleans Saints (2-2) - Signing Derek Carr was a desperate move by a desperate franchise trying to extend the success of the Brees/Payton era. It wasn't going to work, but the team refused to believe it was time to tear the roster down to the studs, finally clear up their salary cap issues and lose a ton of games in the process.
To make things worse, Derek Carr hurt his throwing shoulder against Green Bay, which probably cost them the chance to go to 3-0. Then he tried to come back last week and couldn't throw the ball, completing 13 passes to Alvin Kamara for only 33 yards, which seems very hard to do. The Saints feel destined for an 8-9 finish.
Fun Fact: Dennis Allen's career coaching record is 17-40. That's not good.
3. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) - From my preview: "The best team in the worst division in football; promising team that feels on the precipice of being good but could implode if unproven QB Desmond Ridder REALLY sucks (he might)."
Yeah, the Falcons' roster looks good, but Ridder looks pretty bad and is probably the reason why the Falcons fail to take the next step this season.
It's crazy how many weapons this team has on offense that don't seem to be utilized properly. Just watch this clip of Kyle Pitts torching defenders and not getting thrown the ball:
Fun Fact: The Atlanta Falcons Instagram account was very horny back in 2012:
Team should still do this - why have cheerleaders if you refuse to promote them?
4. Carolina Panthers (0-4) - The Panthers traded two first round picks, two second round picks and DJ Moore to the Bears for the right to draft incredibly short quarterback, Bryce Young. The Panthers' running game stinks, Young has nobody to throw to and he's looked bad thus far.
Making matters worse, CJ Stroud, the quarterback taken immediately after Young, has looked awesome. The Panthers are tied for the worse record in the league (with the Bears) and will end the season in a similar position. The Panthers will not receive the benefit of a high draft pick (traded to the Bears) for their troubles. This is a bad situation for the Panthers.
Fun Fact: The Panthers play the Bears in Week 10 this season at Soldier Field, which could be a hilarious showdown between two 0-9 teams.
AFC West
My Pre-Season Predictions:
1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Seattle Seahawks
3. Los Angeles Rams
4. Arizona Cardinals
Through Week 4
1. San Francisco 49ers (4-0) - From my preview: "The Niners have to find a way to get Nick Bosa (contract dispute) and Brock Purdy (recovering from elbow surgery) back on the field and keep them healthy. If they do, the Niners will win the NFC." Bosa signed a huge extension, Purdy is healthy and the Niners look like they're going roll through NFC. Credit me with their success.
I also picked the Niners to win the Super Bowl and I feel pretty good about that prediction right now. Brock Purdy is playing at a pro bowl level, Christian McCaffery is probably the MVP of the league right now and the defense hasn't suffered after losing defensive coordinator DeMeco Ryan to the Texans. They are dominating their competition and it doesn't appear that this will change anytime soon.
Fun Fact: Brock Purdy is winning on and off the field; might be the easiest guy to root for in all of football.
Brock Purdy embraces Sundress Nationalism. Very cool.
2. Seattle Seahawks (3-1) - The Seahawks are good again. They went into Detroit and beat the Lions in Week 2. Geno has looked like he did last year and is proving his doubters wrong. This team is a dark horse candidate to make it to the NFC Title Game and is firmly on the list of teams that 'nobody wants to play'.
Fun Fact: Last year, Seahawks WR, DK Metcalf, was carted off the field so he could take a dump during the game, saying a "clinch walk wouldn’t have made it".
Very relatable, tbh.
3. Los Angeles Rams (2-2) - I . . . would not have guessed that the Rams would be sitting at 2-2 right now. Matthew Stafford has been a turnover machine (5 INTs) but is second in the league in passing yards and this team has been competitive in every game they've played.
Perhaps the biggest shock in the entire NFL has been emergence of Rams' rookie WR, Puka Nacua, who somehow leads the league in receptions (39!!), is second in receiving yards and is already on the Mount Rushmore of "most fun names to say".
Cooper Kupp hasn't even played a down yet this year, making me wonder if the Rams might actually be a threat to make the playoffs. Credit to Sean McVay for making this team feel relevant again.
Fun Fact: Sean McVay has a smoking wife and they've had sex.
Congrats on the sex.
4. Arizona Cardinals (1-3) - The Cardinals have been the most pleasantly surprising team of 2023. Everyone (including me) thought the Cardinals were going to be an absolute dumpster fire. Instead, they embarrassed the Cowboys by 12 and could easily be 3-1 or 2-2. Josh Dobbs, who was acquired days before the start of the regular season, has been very good (4:0 TD/INT).
The Cardinals don't feel like a one-win team, they play hard, they feel well coached. Jonathan Gannon, who was mocked all offseason for being 'weird', deserves a ton of credit for maximizing the talent he has on this roster.
Fun Fact: Ok, maybe Jonathan Gannon is pretty fucking weird.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading this blog and please go check out my AFC Quarter Season Review as well! If you like how I've covered football, share these blogs with a friend. I'd like to keep doing more of them and bring back the kind of fun sports blogging we grew up with in the early to mid 2000's.
Your continued support always appreciated.