We've curated our weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news!
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Very Important News!
Daily Star: Liz Hurley, 58, leaves little to the imagination as she goes braless in sheer lace dress
Take a look at this broad! She's nearly 60 and doesn't appear to have aged since we first got to know her in Austin Powers back in 1997. Some people (idiots) hate her accent. Not me, I'm a big fan of girls with English accents. Hurley sounds like a Victorian-era chimney sweep. It's charming.
Thinking back on Hurley's career, it's a bit of a disappointment. She was adorable in Austin Powers. My understanding was that Hurley had to bow out of the sequel because she was doing two other projects at the time. Those projects were EdTV and My Favorite Martian, which were . . . bombs, making a total of about $70 million between the two and neither making profits over their respective budgets. Conversely, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me made about $700 million and was one of the funniest movies of the decade.
After this, Hurley didn't have a ton of great starring roles. There was Bedazzled, where she played the devil (apropos for a wh*te wom*n). That movie was a modest hit. There were some guest spots on TV shows. But her career never again hit the heights she attained from Austin Powers (a time period during which she also allegedly had sex with Bill Clinton in the White House). What would her career have looked like if she didn't pass up on Austin Powers 2? Hard to say, but she is incredibly hot and that's undeniable.
Look, I'm as big of a milk sommelier as the next guy, , , but there is a time and place for everything. You can't go full sucky-sucky in the middle of a crowded train. This is not OK! Public acts of degeneracy cannot be tolerated!
We live in a society!
I mean this couple must have been properly fucking sloshed to try and pull this off. This dude is down bad. He looks like he's in a trance. He looks like a baby after feeding from the teat - eyes closed, lips sucking air, generally dazed and milk drunk. His lady friend is no better here. Coyly moving her blouse aside to enable open suckling. She's encouraging this behavior!
Fucking Brits, man, they hold their noses up at the slovenliness of Americans all the while being the biggest degenerates of us all. These people invented etiquette! Now look at them, drunk, unkept, and tiddy sucking on the Metro.
Sad!
**MAN COLD INTERLUDE**
I started feeling crummy on Wednesday, the day when I get most of my writing done for this blog. I still feel sick. My sinuses are clogged, my head hurts, my body aches. Also, I found an ear hair that I had to pluck because it was long and gross. That made me feel old and sad.
So what follows is less than my best effort. Going to be a shorter edition of TITS than usual. My apologies to those who enjoy reading this blog. Just know that I still labored away to get something out for Friday morning. Credit to me.
Say a prayer for the man with a cold.
Oh fuck. Is this what I have? 'The Black Death'? Jesus. This thing killed like 50 million Eurocuck back in the day. Is this what I get for helping Professor Jimbo with The French Revolution - Good Thing, Bad Thing? Is this my punishment?
Whatever, still worth it. You should go watch that video.
Speaking of Jimbo, I saw him for the Super Bowl (maybe he gave me the plague?) and he told me 'the Al Pacino big butt joke has gotten a bit stale, don't you think?' What a fucking dickhead. I guess I should feel honored that he reads the blog at least. Long story short, I'm retiring the 'Al Pacino from Heat' bit. Oh well.
So you know how I always say things like 'Fellas, , , don't waste your money on strippers, or OnlyFans, or buying used eGirl bathwater?' Well, this would appear to be the exception to the rule. I mean, my rule still stands, but Homeboy allegedly dropped 1,000 bucks per visit to see this girl in the VIP section. She says they 'talked a lot' and developed a bond that turned into dating that turned into marriage that turned into two little boys and a family.
This is a happy ending (not that kind of happy ending, but also probably that kind of happy ending as well). I do think meeting your wife while working at a strip club probably carries with it some excess baggage. When your kids ask how you met, what do you tell them? How do you tell your mom where you met your girlfriend? How do you explain to friends and family why your first dance as husband and wife involved a stripper pole and 'making it rain?' Oh well, I'm glad they're happy.
But seriously, fellas, , , don't waste your money on silly eGirl fantasy expenditures. Save that money, go to church, go work out, and focus on bettering yourself in any way possible. That's the best way to find true fulfillment.
Daily Mail: Race-faker Rachel Dolezal is FIRED from Arizona elementary school after her OnlyFans account came to light
It would appear that our old friend, Rachel Dolezal, is up to new hijinks down in Arizona. She changed her name. She became a teacher. She's been doing OnlyFans for extra money on the side. Someone found out, told the school and now she's been fired.
What is society to do with someone like Ms. D? She's not a criminal. She doesn't appear to be an overly evil person (though she did potentially lie about some hate crimes). She seems like a very confused person. Someone who grew up white and now can't stop pretending to be black. This has ruined her life in many ways.
Seriously, what do you do with someone like this? She's kind of a product of the social media age where someone becomes infamous, and attains walking-talking meme status, but still has kids to feed and a life to live. I'm not defending Rachel, who earned her reputation, but I do have some compassion for anyone who has to navigate this new societal phenomenon. It doesn't seem like there is a way out of her situation. We have not yet established a way for retards (the bad kind) to rehabilitate themselves. Doesn't seem like we're interested in creating one either.
Just something to think about, anyways . . .
Oh, no, Al Pacino from Heat, didn't you see what I wrote above? Professor Jimbo thinks this bit has gone stale and sent you out to pasture.
I'm sorry, Al Pacino from Heat, but you've been retired. Don't feel bad, this happens to the best of 'em - the Donna D'Errico MILF Thirst Economy, the Most Intriguing Latin Female Fued, Murdoch Hairy Muff Gate . . . all of them eventually ran their course. I'm sure you'll be back someday! I'm not that creative! I'll run out of ideas and bring ya back! I promise!
Oh, and Rachel Dolezal? Really? I mean, come on. This is a step too far. You're a real sick fuck, Al Pacino from Heat, you know that? Probably a good time for you to take a break and think about your life choices. Yeesh.
Important News!
**Editor's Note** I'm going to keep this much shorter than usual. I know a lot of things happened this week - Mayorkas was impeached (good!), Lara Trump is running for RNC Chair (ehhhhhh), Special Prosecutor Jack Smith is pushing for SCOTUS to stay out of Trump's immunity case (fuck that guy), Tucker interviewed Putin (pretty interesting, but the follow up clips of Tucker glazing Russian infrastructure were pretty lame), Fani Willis' Trump prosecutor/lover testifying about their affair in court (are any of these people not corrupt scum?) - but I feel like shit, so I'm not going in-depth on any of these things. Sorry.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Monday: Coffee, please; and How to Lose a Special Election
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares his insights as to why the Republicans lost the special election to replace George Santos in NY and on blue-state GOPs in general:
"The New York Republican Party is decadent and depraved. As in most Democrat-controlled “blue” states, the GOP exists in New York merely as a local organization in rural areas. Because there is a near-zero chance that any Republican could win a statewide race, no one in New York with political ambition would choose to be a Republican. And, in case you haven’t figured this out yet, politicians are motivated mainly by ego and ambition, rather than by devotion to some abstract “principle.”
This is a factor that most voters don’t understand. The difference between us (i.e., regular people) and them (aspiring politicians and other members of the political class) is that for them, politics is not really about ideas or issues or policies. No, for them, it’s about getting paid. It’s a job, a career, a way to pay their bills, and they will say or do whatever is necessary to win elections, without regard to whatever “principles” they may claim to cherish."
He's right, you know.
Animal Magnetism: Animal’s Hump Day News
The one in which Animal shared with you this 90-minute performance of Verdi's Messa da Requiem:
I listened to part of this and it's fantastic. This composition is a musical setting for the Catholic funeral mass. It's beautiful and sad and tragic and inspiring. Worth a listen. Consider yourself culturally edified.
David Thompson: Powder Room Scenes
The one in which David shares a video of a man (who pretends he's a woman) inside of a women's locker room complaining about how a woman (who's actually a woman) injured his penis.
To see the video you'll just have to go watch the scene unfold on THOMPSONblog, which you should make part of your weekly reading digest.
Important Sports News
The 49ers: did not win the Super Bowl.
It was a good game, but when the 49ers failed to convert a first down on 3rd and 5 from the KC 35 with 2:00 left in the game. . . the ending was inevitable. Sure, Jake Moody cranked a 53-yard field goal to give the Niners the lead, but the only way that San Francisco was going to conquer the Chiefs was to make sure that they scored on the final play of the game (or at least close thereto).
You can't give Mahomes nearly 2 minutes and 2 time outs and expect to win the game in regulation. It does not happen. Mahomes finds a way. Super Bowl 58 was no different. That motherfucker is inevitable.
The Niners needed to convert that third down, milk the clock, make Andy Reid use his time outs, and kick the game-winning FG with as little time as possible. But the Chiefs blitzed, had a free runner in Purdy's face and he had to throw the ball into the turf to avoid taking a sack and pushing them out of FG range. It sucks, but that's when the game lost.
Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, played well enough to win, for what it's worth. Unfortunately, he also played just OK-enough to lose.
Finally, the refs did provide an advantage for KC. Nick Bosa was held on nearly every pass rush and no flags were thrown. In fact, in Kansas City's three Super Bowl victories, its offensive line has NEVER been called for holding. Not once, in three games. That's very suspect and the type of shit that makes the NFL feel rigged and not worth watching. And yet, I wish the next season started on Sunday.
Oh well.
This guy is a fucking hero. Full stop.
We're a sick country. There appear to be no solutions and these problems only seem to be getting worse. I hate this shit.
Jerry Thornton | Barstool Sports: Julian Edelman Has Reportedly Added Shakira to His List of Accomplishments
From the article:
"Your average guy retires to … well, retirement. They relax. Maybe take some part-time job with zero stress just to hang out with other fellas. But mostly they enjoy their golden years taking a well-earned break from the hustle and bustle. Diving into household chores they've been procrastinating. Applying themselves to the hobbies they used to squeeze into the weekends. Golf. Boating. Leisure travel. Wearing a fishing hat, smoking a pipe and calling their wife "Mother." Drinking to excess. Staring into the abyss of their own mortality and dying prematurely.
But others? Thrive. Achieve. Reinvent themselves. Accept new challenges and refuse to go quietly into that good night. And I'm happy to report that Julian Edelman is one of those men. Witness his latest (alleged) career achievement."
Julian Edelman won three Super Bowls, took home a Super Bowl MVP, bagged Adrianna Lima, bagged Ella Rose, and is now, allegedly, bagging Shakira?
That's a Hall of Fame resume if there ever was one. Not too shabby for a seventh-round draft pick out of Kent State.
Barstool Sports: Larsa Pippen And Marcus Jordan Are Reportedly Breaking Up
As someone who grew up in Chicago, during the Bulls Dynasty, this is good news. Marcus should never have been banging his dad's former running mate. I genuinely don't see why he felt the need to stir up this drama between the families. Well, I guess Larsa did notoriously state that she and Scottie used to bang at least 4 times every night, so I can kind of see why he'd stir up drama . . . but still, not cool, Marcus.
In fact, that much sex seems like somewhat of a chore, if I'm being honest. That's like eating French silk pie for every meal. Sure, it's delicious, but if you eat it non-stop your taste buds will start to deteriorate. Why do something 4 times if you can do it well just once? That's my take, anyways.
Whatever, I just hope Michael and Scottie can reconcile. My 9-year-old self is devastated that these two kings hate each other. I want to see them interviewing each other about how awesome it was when they toppled the Bad Boy Pistons, Magic's Lakers, and Drexler's Blazers and prevented Malone, Stockton, Ewing, and Barkley from ever winning a title. That couldn't have ever happened if MJ's kid was plowing Scottie's nympho ex-wife. Maybe now it can.
So 'World's Sexiest Hockey Goalie', Mikayla Demaiter, who does not play hockey anymore, is now a basketball influencer? It could be the fever I'm suffering through right now, but this news scares and confuses me!
What's next, 'World's Sexiest Volleyball Player', Kayla Simmons, taking up softball? Or 'World's Sexiest Ring Girl', Apollonia Llewellyn, becoming a surfer? Or 'World's Sexiest Gymnast', Livvy Dunne, becoming a skeet shooter?
Someone please, make the world make sense! I'm sick, dammit. I can't handle this shit right now. I can't handle the idea that dear, sweet, 'World's Sexiest Golf Influencer', Paige Spiranac became, I dunno, 'Fighter Pilot, Paige Spiranac' or some weird shit. In my current fragile state, such news would destroy me.
Black Sports Online: Golfer Paige Spiranac Shows Off Massive Cleavage In Skintight Pilot’s Jumpsuit
You win, world! Fuck this shit. I give up. I'm sick and I'm going back to bed.
Very Important Meme of the Week
I am going with a classic this week. How could you not love a good 'edit Siraj and Jay being gay into the news' meme? Given the state of the country, I think we all needed this edit of Jay and Siraj doing butt stuff on a moving subway train.
Thank you, @MBrassenstein. You served your community well this week.
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