We've curated our weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news!
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Very Important News!
A wedding guest should never wear something that upstages the bride. This is a good rule! Some days you're not the center of attention! And I am usually quick to throw the flag whenever someone violates traditional social mores, but I'm not sure that this dress is too 'boobalicious' to wear to a wedding. It's certainly flirting with that line, but the photos here are a bit deceiving - her shoulders are slumped forward and the photos are taken from a top-down angle. The perspective of these photos highlights maximum cleavage and potentially makes this dress appear more 'boobalicious' than it really is.
So, is this dress too thottish for a wedding, or has this woman fallen victim to perspective-skewing cleavage pics? The evidence is inconclusive, but what's not in dispute is that her boobs are very nice.
Moving on.
Toby Keith: dead at 62.
Mr. Keith died of stomach cancer. That's not a great way to go.
I'm not much of a country music fan. I don't know much about Toby Keith's catalog, except for that Red Solo Cup song that was played endlessly for years. He seemed like a nice enough guy, though. He gave to charity. People seemed to love his music. He sold over 30 million albums. Pretty amazing.
My closest connection to Mr. Keith was Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill, which opened not far from where I live. I went there once with one of my best friends. He got REAL fucking drunk and started grinding hard on a girl that outweighed him by a good 50 pounds. The context of the scenario suggested to me that he planned on taking her back to his apartment for intercourse (a.k.a. "hot sex").
While it would have been a fun story to hold over my friend for the remainder of his life, my conscience demanded intervention. So, after about thirty minutes of salacious dancing, this ham-hocked-harlot excused herself to the restroom. I seized on the opportunity to provide my friend with a non-hammered perspective of his new beer-bellied-beau. What followed was a 90-second journey through the seven steps of grief, beginning with shock and denial but thankfully ending with acceptance. We vacated the premises before any further progress towards copulation was made. No, it was not nice to abandon this woman without explanation, but it saved her an awkward goodbye in the morning and Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill served nachos, so she had an outlet to drown her sorrows.
I was a hero that evening. Credit to me. This has been story time with Bartleby.
Rest in peace, Toby Keith.
So this feels weird to me. But should it feel weird to me? In a way, what this woman did - providing nourishment for her niece - was kind of a beautiful thing. And wet nursing is nothing new, in many ancient civilizations, women supported each other by breastfeeding each other’s children. In ancient Rome, wealthy women who couldn't or didn't want to share the tiddy had wet nurses among their slaves and freedwomen with some Roman women being wet nurses by profession.
You don't see a lot of wet nurses these days, though, do you? You especially don't see intrafamily wet nursing. So it is a little weird. That little girl might one day grow up, find that TikTok, and struggle to look her aunt the same way ever again (knowing that she had previously sucked on her boobie).
I do wonder about the conversations that the families had before the aunt agreed to breastfeed her sister's baby. How do you bring that up in conversation? 'Hey, I'm not feeling great, do you mind letting my daughter suckle on you?' That feels strange. Did the husbands have a say? I'm not sure how I would feel if my wife had told me that my sister-in-law breastfed our son. I think I'd want to discuss the matter first. I'd certainly feel weird if she filmed herself in the act and then posted it to social media for internet clout. I would feel weird looking at my sister-in-law after watching that video.
A confusing situation. I am perplexed.
So you're telling me that this then-23-year-old woman married a then-86-year-old legendary pervert and he wanted her to continue looking sexy (which is the only reason the legendary pervert married her)? I am shocked!
Listen, I'm sure Crystal Hefner is a nice lady. I'm even willing to believe that she held special feelings for her deceased husband. But a 23-year-old smokeshow doesn't marry an 86-year-old dude unless she knows what she's signing up for. It's a transactional relationship. The old pervert gets a sexy trophy wife. The sexy trophy wife gets access to a luxurious lifestyle and, presumably, something set aside for her in the will. Everyone knows this, but more importantly, the pervert and the trophy wife know this better than anyone.
Yes, if you marry Hugh Hefner he is going to demand you 'stay skinny and have big fake boobs', the man was a deviant who made a fortune off of sexy skinny women with big fake boobs. That was his thing. The entire world knew this information. Now, is demanding such things from your wife a nice thing to do? No, but Crystal Hegner knew (either explicitly or implicitly) what was expected of her.
This is like bringing your kid to the White House and being outraged when Joe Biden sniffs their hair and whispers weird shit into their ear. Sorry, you should've known better. This is what you signed up for.
Of course, all of this information is being shared as part of a media tour to promote the release of her new book where she says that nearly 90-year-old Hugh Hefner was bad in bed. It is a pretty shitty thing to do when Hefner is no longer around to defend himself. But I can't feel too sorry for him because part of marrying a 23-year-old sexy trophy wife is that you're going to die before her and . . . you get the idea.
Moving on.
BBC Gladiators? What the fuck? Leave it to the degenerates in Hollywood to find a new level of depravity. Making two black men (one of them named Diamond, apparently) expose themselves and do battle is fucking disgracef-
**Someone begins talking off-screen**
What's that? You're telling me that BBC Gladiators is just the English rip-off of American Gladiators? Diamond is a ripped white woman and not a well-endowed black man?
Well, this is embarrassing. You read that headline, you see BBC, you see there was a wardrobe malfunction causing complaints and it's not unreasonable to think that the show is about, you know . . . something different.
Remember American Gladiators, though? They used to air reruns on Channel 50 in Chicago when I was growing up. I'd watch it with my brother instead of going to sleep. That show was fucking awesome. All the dudes were absolute UNITS. They all had to be using a magical amount of anabolic steroids. The good Russian Olympic team kind, too. Most of the time the collisions were fairly benign, but sometimes someone would get lit the fuck up.
What a great show. What a walk down memory lane. What a way to salvage this section of the blog. Credit to me.
Now let's never talk about this ever again. Moving on.
According to the article, this Playboy playmate was in Iceland to celebrate New Year's. Not content to just enjoy the holiday with her husband she decided to get naked and take photos of herself in negative 30-degree weather because she loves 'to be naked' and thought 'why not here?'.
So she did strip down and took some banger photos for ten minutes, which led to her being treated for hypothermia. Was it worth it? Well, she's currently in contact with the Guinness Book of World Records to memorialize her efforts as the 'longest semi-nude female photoshoot in a blizzard'. So yeah, risking frostbite, amputation and/or death to get nekkid and take pretty pictures is worth it, because that's what winners do.
As an asside (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes), what do you think of that frostbitten-fanny, Al Pacino from Heat?
Yeah, I think we all assumed you'd have that opinion. And you're not wrong on this one, Al Pacino from Heat, it's a nice butt.
Important News!
Joe Biden: is an 'elderly man with a poor memory.'
I am not saying that Biden's own DOJ is saying that. I mean I am also saying that, but in this instance, Biden's DOJ said that as a reason why they decided against pursuing criminal charges against him for his blatant and intentional mishandling of classified documents. You know, the same thing they're trying to imprison Trump over.
Special Counsel Robert Hur's report on Biden's mishandling of classified documents is remarkable. Here are some of the highlights from Hur's report:
"In his interview with our office, Mr. Biden's memory was worse. He did not remember when he was vice president, forgetting on the first day of the interview when his term ended (if it was 2013 - when did I stop being Vice President?"), and forgetting on the second day of the interview when his term began in 2009, am I still Vice President?"). He did not remember, even within several years, when his son Beau died. And his memory appeared hazy when describing the Afghanistan debate that was once so important to him. Among other things, he mistakenly said he "had a real difference" of opinion with General Karl Eikenberry, when, in fact, Eikenberry was an ally whom Mr. Biden cited approvingly in his Thanksgiving memo to President Obama. . . .
. . . . Mr. Biden will likely present himself to the jury, as he did during his interview with our office, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory. While he is and must be accountable for his actions he is, after all, the President of the United States, based on our direct observations of him, Mr. Biden is someone for whom many jurors will want to search for reasonable doubt. It would be difficult to convince a jury they should convict him by then a former president who will be at least well into his eighties of a serious felony that requires a mental state of willfulness."
So, Joe Biden, who is PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, is so fucking brain-dead that a jury could never believe that he had the requisite intent to break the law at issue. All of this according to Biden's own DOJ.
Biden was never going to be charged with a crime, so this public humiliation is probably the best any of us could've hoped for. What a campaign ad this will make. What a fucking shit show. We are so fucked.
Fuck that stupid Senate-negotiated immigration bill.
I'm going to try and keep this rant to a minimum.
The deal that was proposed is a goddamn disgrace. This bill would make things so much worse! It's based on the false premise that Biden is without the power to fix this crisis! That's not true! Biden could fix this problem tomorrow but has refused to faithfully execute his power and/or our existing laws!
This bill would would legitimize the importation of almost 2 million illegals every year! This bill funnels BILLIONS to the NGOs who are helping the illegals flout the laws! The restrictions are all fake, it boots judicial oversight to the DC Circuit, and Republican James Lankford from Oklahoma can get fucked for agreeing to this bullshit. Seriously, that dude got ROLLED by Sinema and the Democrats.
No. No. No. Here's a counter-proposal, we deport nearly all of these people and anyone who didn't show up for court is banned from re-entering the country. We liquidate the NGOs. We implement rigorous new standards for legal immigration. We all have to pay more for our orange juice. We find a way to endure.
Only one party wants the border closed and by law, the border is already closed. We're much better off with the status quo. Keep sending illegals to sanctuary cities. The citizens in those places don't seem to enjoy it very much. Americans writ large hate this shit and they hate Biden for allowing it to happen. Let him fix the problem on his own, using the powers available to him. Or he won't and he can suffer the consequences.
Mayorkas was never going to be removed by the Schumer-controlled Senate, so this vote was always symbolic (and apparently Mike Johnson is going to try again soon). So, the frustration I have here is tied directly to the fact that the GOP couldn't even get their shit together to pass even a symbolic impeachment. Pelosi would've whipped up the necessary votes. She just would have. Maybe these little pyrrhic victories don't matter, but consistently losing them is frustrating.
Mayorkas does deserve to be impeached. He has actively abdicated his duties to enforce immigration laws, he has facilitated illegal immigration through abuse of the parole powers, and he smeared border agents over journo-created 'whipping' allegations that contained no whipping. He's a disgrace. He should endure the disgrace of being impeached by the House.
Oh well.
Yeah, no, Mitterand died nearly 30 years ago. Probably didn't recently meet with Mitterand, Mr. President.
This was covered in more detail in our blog The Richelieu Files: Why Biden?, written by some guy who said his name was 'Armand Jean du Plessis, 1st Duke of Richelieu'. It's a good blog that this dude just randomly e-mailed to us. We run a pretty weird ship here sometimes. Just guys, bein' dudes, writing under the names of Frenchmen who died nearly 400 years ago. Normal Flappr stuff.
Go read it!
Washington Free Beacon: Democrats' Support Among Minorities Hits All-Time Low: Poll
According to the article:
"Black voters who identify as or lean Democratic outnumbered those who identify as or lean Republican by 47 percentage points in 2023, down from 66 percentage points in 2020, marking the narrowest gap ever reported by Gallup. Around 66 percent of black adults now would vote Democratic, compared with 19 percent favoring the Republican Party.
Gallup's findings also revealed historically low support among Hispanic voters for the Democratic Party, whose lead over the GOP among that group shrank from 28 percentage points in 2020 to only 12 percentage points in 2023. While 47 percent of Hispanic adults align with Democrats, 35 percent express a preference for Republicans."
To me, the only thing that these polls suggest is that Biden might struggle with voter turnout. I do not believe that blacks and/or Hispanics are suddenly going to start voting for Trump or the GOP. That's never happened in any meaningful way during my lifetime. I'll believe that when I see it, and I don't think we're gonna see it any time soon.
That's not to say that low voter enthusiasm isn't bad news for Biden. Hillary lost in large part because she couldn't turn people out in the battleground states. So, this is good news, just more so a piece to a much bigger puzzle that's still unfolding.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Monday: The Master Race Strikes Again; and New Form of Racism Has Been Discovered
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares word of Steve Sailer's 'Magic Dirt Theory' and the way that libtards use it to explain inconvenient truths:
"Moving is racist, when white people do it. When a white person chooses to relocate, the consequences are racism. To understand this, you have to understand what Steve Sailer dubs “Dirt Theory”: Any geographical location where black or brown people live is “Tragic Dirt,” afflicted by poverty and violence, and the only solution to their problem is to move them to white-occupied “Magic Dirt,” where everybody is rich and all the kids have high test scores."
Makes you think.
Animal Magnetism: Animal’s Hump Day News
The one in which Animal shared a story from his youth, along with the song Green Tambourine from a band called The Lemon Pipers:
This is another song and band that I had never heard of before. I'll admit that music is somewhat of a cultural blind spot for me. Professor Jimbo is the music guy in our partnership. I should ask Professor Jimbo if he's ever heard of The Lemon Pipers before, or if Animal's tastes lean towards the esoteric. I will ask Jimbo and report back next week on his response.
David Thompson: They Feed On The Young; and It’s Trivial When The Victim Is Someone Who Isn’t Me
The one in which David shares news of a new definition of the term 'victimless':
Community Notes on Twitter has been a blessing.
Important Sports News - SUPER BOWL EDITION!
The 49ers: are going to win the Super Bowl (I think).
I THINK the Niners are going to win, anyway. I picked them to win the Super Bowl (over the Chiefs, actually) prior to the beginning of the season (credit to me). So, I have to stick with that prediction. I am concerned with how the Niners' defense forgot how to cover people and stop the run the past two weeks, though.
Flappr's Official All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, has shown incredible resilience the past two weeks, bringing his team back from the brink of elimination against both the Packers and Lions. I think that experience will suit him well on Sunday. I think he will do enough to outduel Mahomes and bring San Francisco its first Lombardi Trophy since 1995.
Or . . . we're in the midst of the Mahomes era and he's an unstoppable force that is going to find ways to conquer all challengers. Kind of like what we saw with Brady, only much gayer.
My biggest fear is that this game comes down to a field goal from Niners' kicker Jake Moody, who has been incredibly shaky all year long. When Moody misses, he REALLY misses. If the Niners gift Mahomes his third Super Bowl on a missed FG, I will be extremely disappointed.
My final prediction: 49ers 30, Chiefs 24
The Other Big Matchup: an SSO Showdown between Olivia and Taylor
While the men do battle on the field, another, more important clash will take place in luxury boxes above between their Supportive Significant Others ("SSO").
Olivia Culpo, actress, former Miss Universe and SSO to Christian McCaffrey, will stand off against Travice Kelce's SSO, Taylor Swift, who is one of the most famous people to ever live at this point.
Culpo's bona fides are well-known at this point. She's very supportive of her fiance, Christian McCaffrey. She wears custom-embroidered gloves that bear his name. She wears a bustier that has been custom-embroidered to feature her fiance's team. She goes to games. She loves her man and, in her own words, she loves '[w]atching the love of [her] life live out his dream' which she says is 'the best feeling in the world.' That's some ride-or-die type shit to say and why Olivia Culpo is an ELITE SSO.
Swift's SSO resume, on the other hand, has been the subject of much controversy. I myself was skeptical of her relationship with Travis Kelce and whether or not it was more marketing rouse than romance. But I've come around. Taylor Swift wore a custom-made that featured the name and number of her paramour. She allowed him to focus on the game instead of forcing him to attend the Grammys. She plans to hop on a flight from Tokyo to Vegas to cheer him on. That's not 'for me behavior', that's peak 'for he behavior'. This might upset some of you, but Taylor Swift is an SSO. It's undeniable at this point.
The biggest question I have going into Sunday is how these ladies (and the other SSOs on both respective teams) will express their support for the men representing them on the field. A customized rhinestoned-romper, perhaps? Or maybe a bejeweled bikini top? Or a gemmed g-string? Or something cool that I haven't even considered yet? We will have our answer this Sunday and I will report back on what these smokeshows wear to support the men of their lives.
For journalistic purposes, obviously.
Travis Kelce isn't the only Tight End with an SSO in this year's Super Bowl. Meet Claire Kittle, wife and SSO of Niners TE, George Kittle. Claire, like George, is a midwestern gal, born in Dubuque, Iowa, where she met George while he was playing football and she was playing basketball for the Hawkeyes.
According to Claire, her husband "manifested" his team returning to the Super Bowl after losing to the Chiefs back in 2020. That's SSO talk for 'my husband is fucking awesome and he was able to will his team back to the Championship game. Really inspiring stuff.
I like George Kittle a lot. He's awesome. He appears on Pardon My Take regularly and he grew up a Bears fan. Kittle is the type of player the Bears will sign when he's 38 years old, has already won multiple Super Bowls, and can barely walk anymore. But, he's likable, easy to root for, and has a smoking SSO by his side, so I will celebrate when the Bears grossly overpay for his services in 2032.
Flappr's BIG TDs Football Blog: returned w/ guest contributor, Duck.
Duck graciously agreed to resurrect Flappr's Big TDs Football Blog and provide you with some investment advice for the Super Bowl.
It's fun! Go give it a read.
Jerry Thornton | Barstool Sports: Super Bowl Media Legend Ines Sainz is Still Working and I'm Happy to Report She's Still Throwing Heat
From the article:
"It's hard to overstate Sainz impact on a smutty sports humor blog run by a handful of guys with laptops and big dreams. For at least one week out of the year in the mid-2000s, she never failed to deliver content that hit right in the middle of the 10-ring that Barstool and our audience were looking for. The kind of material that set us apart from the established outlets like ESPN, Sports Illustrated and the newspapers. And here she shows up on my radar after all these years. Still working Super Bowl week like it's 2006 all over again."
Not going to lie, this hit home for me. Not the smutty sports humor blog part . . . that doesn't apply to Flappr, but just what such blogs were like back in the day. They were something you looked forward to reading each day. You'd ask your friends if they had read Bill Simmons or had seen the story about Brett Favre's 'Crocs'. That era of blogging was great but is sadly in short supply these days.
Especially here, on Flappr, where no such type of blogging takes place.
She's gorgeous. She's the heiress to football royalty. What a life this woman must have. I'm not even jealous, I'm honestly just kind of impressed that she's chosen to seize the moment, post elite thirst on Instagram, and let the world know that her life is that much better than yours.
Her family's team is in the midst of a dynasty run too. Why couldn't she be the daughter of like, Jets owner Woody Johnson? You know, like sure she's smoking and rich, but she's going to inherit the Jets, so . . . meh, her life isn't perfect. But no, she's Gracie Hunt, granddaughter of Lamar Hunt, who helped found the AFL and mold the NFL we know today. She hangs out with Taylor Swift, wins Super Bowls, and is incredibly sexy to boot.
Though, her last name does rhyme with 'c*nt', so maybe her life isn't literally perfect. Could imagine getting teased about growing up. Oh well, she seems like a nice young lady. Good for her. I swear I'm not jealous.
Black Sports Online: Photos of Brittany Mahomes Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Photoshoot
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalism purposes):
People love to dump on Brittany Mahomes, but she looks really good in these photos! She also was with Patrick Mahomes back in college, when he was just a dude with weird hair and a squeaky voice. Much respect for that. Brittany might annoy the fuck out of people, but she's an SSO. Moreover, she just had a baby so these Kansas City cantaloupes might be literal mommy milkies rather than silicone sweater stretchers.
This headline was literally "Photos of Brittany Mahomes Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Photoshoot" and it was literally just Photos of Brittany Mahomes Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Photoshoot. So, yes, this was a literal BSO headline.
Very Important Meme of the Week
Our meme of the week goes to none other than the Good Doctor, Harambe, Doctor Cock 'n Balls, The Man with the Golden Dick, "Richard on Twitter."
Still can't believe that this man is President of the United States and might be for another 5 years. How incredibly irresponsible of him and those around him.
We're so fucked.
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