We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news!
We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Very Important News!
Miss Sweeney's career really seems to be taking off lately. Last week we told you about some movie she's starring in called Anyone But You and how PopSugar bamboozled the internet by erroneously calling the regular bikini she wears in the trailer a 'thongkini'. This was a lie, but she looked good anyways.
This week, Sydney dropped a photospread for Women's Health and the trailer for Madame Web - ANOTHER movie she's starring in that releases next February.
Wow, that movie looks . . . BAD! REAL BAD!
Why is Sydney Sweeney playing the second lead to Dakota Fucking Johnson in a shitty Sony/Marvel movie that looks like the second coming of Morbius? That movie is going to FLLLLOPPPP.
She should fire her agent for suggesting this project. She should fire her agent and hire me. I would protect her from weirdos and pilot her career to the moon.
Call me, Sydney, for professional reasons only (I am married and love my wife).
Jeff Bezos: is a simp for his spicy Latinx fiancé.
People have been dunking on Bezos for this photo and I disagree with the criticism. This dude looks ripped at age 59 and his Latinx fiancé, while a little bit toooo stretchy-stretchy-faced, is still a very attractive woman with very big...
...lips.
Yes, she has very puffy-puffy and stretchy-stretchy lips. Wait, what did you think I was going to say? Ohhh, yeah, those appear very puffy-puffy and pokey-pokey too.
Now, back to Jeff's simptoms (symptoms, for a simp - get it?). You have to remember that Bezos married before he made his money and while he looked like Gollum. To his credit, Mackenzie Bezos was too hot for him 26 years ago when they married, but when accounting for Jeff's newfound billions - his ex-wife is fairly normal looking compared to his new Spicy, Silcone-Silo'd, Senorita.
This is Jeff's first foray into "I am now a ripped billionaire, so I can finally bang women with BFTs that used to be out of my league". If Bezos was going to go down this path, I'm happy that he's taking it seriously. Dude has gone all-in - he bought her a yacht, bangs her all over the world and now has taken incredibly vain glamour shots with her for VOGUE. With Annie Leibovitz, no less! He probably had to pay her millions to photograph his fairly unnoteworthy fiancé!
That's a man who believes he's snagged a trophy wife and he's gonna do whatever it takes to please her. Good for you, Jeff.
I give this marriage 2 years, tops.
You know what? Good. She should've been kicked out of the stadium and then arrested public acts of thottery.
We are living in a day and age where so many people make money from 'making content' that these rakish reprobates think they have to act like assholes every time they leave the house. Every moment is an opportunity to get naked, act outrageous and behave like boors.
Listen, honey, you're not that important and people didn't spend $2,500 on tickets to see those Jiggly Jumbo Jezebells bouncing around at the stadium (they probably could've paid 8 bucks and gotten a better look). Again, kids attend these games. We need to return to a time when people were shamed for degenerate behavior, instead of making a career from it.
Ok, now THIS is acceptable public nudity - the ACCIDENTAL kind!
Unintentional, serendipitous, accidental boob sightings are just good fun. These rare occasions are harmless! Everyone gets a good laugh and some people (men) get a good laugh and a little something extra! Witnessing an unplanned tiddy slip is the spice of life that reminds us that the human condition is chaotic and beautiful!
Now, you don't WANT your kids to get an unanticipated look at mommy milkers at the pool - but you can certainly explain that to them more easily than why an OnlyFans floozy popped her top and jumped around at a football game.
CONTEXT MATTERS, FOLKS!
Yeah, I mean, that top is definitely inappropriate for basically any social setting and seems incredibly impractical as basic at home comfort apparel. I'm not even sure you can call that a "top", it's basically just a titty shawl with sleeves.
Moreover . . . and I don't mean to be conspiratorial or accusatory, but I think this Raven-Haired Ravisher with Rotund Rib-Cushions knows that top is 'inappropriate' but is just playing coy.
Now, now - just hear me out!
My theory here is that this silicone-enhanced heroine actually knows that the top she's displaying barely covers her breasts and she's only pretending to feign ignorance over the fact that wearing such a top in public would be insanely inappropriate. More or less, I posit that she's facetiously asking for her followers input on this question as a clever ploy to expose her enhanced breasts and titillate the public for internet notoriety!
Sounds crazy, right?
I'll be honest, I picked this story specifically so I could keep rolling with the bit I started with in the previous section. You know, start off by saying something like "bear with me here, but I think this girl knew her dress was see-through and is just playing dumb to titillate the public for internet notoriety!" Basically, I was planning on making this a running joke, but then I saw the video and . . .
I mean, she does. She just does. They're so so so big. Those are giant Nubian-Nippled-Nukes. They're Black Girl Magic Globes. They're Enormous Ebony Earthmovers. They're BLMs (Black Luscious Milkers).
You know, come to think of it, I don't think I've crafted many (if any) clever alternative terms for big black boobs before. This might be the first time, actually. Does . . . that make me racist? Probably not.
Hmph. Anyways, that lady is definitely just pretending that she didn't know her dress was see through and this is a common thing that eGirls do on TikTok.
Anyways, moving on . . .
Well, thankfully Billie Eilish has FINALLY broken her silence on the "big t*ts" claim. I don't think any of us would've known that she was ample bosomed if she hadn't, at long last, revealed this information to the world.
Ol' Button-Buster-Billie really dropped a Big Boobie Truth Bomb on us this week.
I think we will all remember 11/17, the day we learned the truth of what lies beneath Billie Eilish's bra - big pendulous breasts.
Also, big thanks to Twitter account Celebs With Big Boobs Fan, for doing the legwork for this story. And before you ask - the answer is no, I do not run nor am I affiliated with Celebs With Big Boobs Fan. I am not a degenerate, thank you very much. You could say that I am a Celebs With Big Boobs Fan fan, though.
Ok, bear with me here for a second. I know this might sound crazy, but I think this girl knew her dress was see-through and is just playing dumb to titillate the public for internet notoriety!
See how I looped back around to thread the 'see-through' dress theme of this blog? That's just a master at work. Real 300-Level blogging stuff.
As an asside (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes), how would you rate this see-through tush, Al Pacino from Heat?
You know what, Al Pacino from Heat? We agree on this one. That is a nice bottom. Sure, she could benefit from a few squats, but who among us couldn't? She has a perfectly nice, attractive, butt.
Abby Shapiro: still pregnant, released a new YouTube video.
So yeah . . . if you click on the photo, you can watch Abby's new video. It's about 5 life hacks for stay-at-home moms.
Green looks good on Abby. Ummmm. . . yup.
Totally unrelated subject - our Milkers of the Year Award for 2023 is coming out next month and just thought I'd mention that factoid for those of you who follow such things.
Important News!
Joe Biden: called Xi a dictator?
I approve of this message . . . but I do suspect this was another illustration of Biden's mental decline than proof that he's suddenly grown a spine.
Biden had almost three years, prior to this point, to take a hard line with China and routinely referred to them as "competitors" rather than malevolent actors (which they are). So why would he choose to boldly call Xi a dictator during Xi's first visit to the US during his presidency? I think the answer lies in the reaction from Secretary of State Tony Blinken:
That's a classic "oh no, the tapioca brain codger is sundowning again" reaction. The same reaction you'd see from me when my grandma called the dry-cleaning guy "a nice oriental" to his face. Not good, grandma! He probably knows karate!
Here's a more important question - what did Biden say to Xi about the origins of COVID? It's been almost 4 years since that shit leaked out of a lab in Wuhan and the CCP has faced ZERO consequences for killing millions of Americans.
Nobody, including GOP presidential candidates, talks about this anymore. Either purposefully or through their own incompetence - these people fucking RUINED our lives. They tanked our economy. They're the reason your kids had to wear masks, learn remotely and why so many of them took their own lives. It would be nice if any of our leaders (any world leader for that fact) pointed this out on occasion. Fuck these people.
To be clear, these people are protesting in America in favor of a foreign group that started a war, took American citizens as hostages and still holds them as prisoners.
In the midst of all the pro-Israel/anti-Israel discourse I think people have forgotten that there are, in fact, American citizens still being held hostage. That should be America's priority right now, above all else. Where are the protests demanding our countrymen be returned safely to their families? Why do people not care? It's all very ponderous.
The other thing you'll notice from footage of any "cease fire protest" is the incredible AWFLness (affluent white feminist liberal) of the attendees. This is the product of a generation of libtards absorbing Marxist like an overpriced loofah from cradle to post-doctoral studies in gender theory. Your common AWFL is so poisoned by ideology, wine and loneliness that their search for purpose leads them down this path towards radicalization, self-destruction and ruining our lives.
If I were you, I would start praying every day that Travis Kelce weds, beds and puts babies into Taylor Swift. A pregnant Tay-Tay might be the only thing that could inspire these AWFLs to find another way and our best hope to save our Republic from self-immolation. Start plugging away, Travis, your country needs you!
Charles C. W. Cooke | NR: Wokesters for Osama bin Laden?
The one in which Charlie Cooke of National Review tries to explain why Osama Bin Laden has suddenly become POPULAR among Americans on TikTok:
Much of what bin Laden says in his letter is indistinguishable from the output of your average Ethnic Studies professor, so, grotesque as it most certainly is, the fact that the sort of people who are marinated in the output of your average Ethnic Studies professor enjoyed reading it should probably not come as a great surprise.
He's right. We should not be surprised that your average 20-something TikTok addicted Marxist would suddenly find newfound respect for the man responsible for planning the attacks that resulted in the murder of nearly 3,000 Americans. His "Letter to America" reads like a proto-BLM leaflet. Of course, these retards would gobble it up. It's almost too perfect.
The only question now is how they reconcile their newfound respect with the fact that Barack Obama ordered Bin Laden's assassination.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: One Last Glimpse Of Bikini; Can You Guess Which One of These Men Is (Allegedly) a Homosexual Pedophile?and Not Rule 5: ‘Intersectional’ Craziness
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares with you the story of a "Jewish queer anti-zionist abolition, plant medicine, TV/film, Writer" who hates Israel, looks exactly the way you think she would and takes hallucinogens to combat her various mental struggle:
She’s a pancake stack of craziness, covered with insanity syrup. She’s got so many mental illnesses, it’s like the index of the DSM-5. But don’t worry, she’s found an effective treatment — psilocybin mushrooms. Based on my personal experience with psilocybin, I’m dubious about this “treatment,” but if she says she feels better, who am I to argue?
Seriously, click the link - she looks exactly how you think she looks.
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily Iran is Asshoe News
The one in which Animal shares news of how Iran is plotting to murder political figures from around the world.
Iran reportedly hired a hitman to kidnap or kill former national security adviser John Bolton, who now lives with Secret Service posted outside his home after the administration killed Qasem Soleimani, arguably the top military official in Iran who was responsible for a large portion of the terrorism in the region and around the world.
So glad the Biden admin gave them billions.
David Thompson: Already Broken
The one in which David shares with you a video from a mentally ill TikTok communist giving out "food plan tips for the revolution".
Stolen from one of David's commenters: "Apparently, the revolution will be fueled by cashew milk and vegan pseudo-cheese.
Important Sports News!
TNF: Joe Burrow fucked up his wrist; Ravens win 34-20.
Yah, that fucking sucks. The Bengals needed to win this game, badly. I had picked the Bengals to win this game outright (and they WERE winning at the time Burrow had to leave the game!), but this one ended as soon as Burrow headed to the locker room. Back up QB, Jake Browning, looked competent at times, but it never felt like he could make enough plays to keep up with Lamar Jackson, let alone come from behind against a stout Ravens defense.
At 5-5, with Burrow likely to miss some games, the Bengals season is over. Which is a shame because Burrow had battled through a calf injury and had his team on a four game win-streak before injuring his hand last week in a loss to the Texans. It had looked like the Bengals had weathered the storm, but alas . . . it appears to be another season of disappointment for the Queen City.
Barstool Sports: The NBA Is Suspending Draymond Green 5 Games For Putting Rudy Gobert In A Chokehold
I haven't watched a Basketball game in years, but it's nice to see that Draymond Green is still a fucking psycho. Rudy Gobert (French sicko, who probably got aroused by getting choked out) is just lucky that Draymond didn't kick him in the nuts because that dude looooooves kicking people in the nuts.
The Edmonton Oilers: suck this year, but have won three straight.
I'm guessing that most of you don't know much about hockey. Few people do and even I don't follow as closely as I once did. Here's something more people should know, though - Connor McDavid is real fucking good. Not just good, but like generationally good (think Crosby, Ovechkin, Lemieux level) He has been for nearly a decade. Unfortunately for Connor McDavid, he plays in Edmonton and casual American fans don't hear much about him.
McDavid's team, the Oilers, is loaded with talent, but has never taken the proverbial "next step" and won a Stanley Cup. They've never even made the finals. Everyone kind of thinks they will eventually, though. Unfortunately, this year, for this loaded team, got off to a REAL bad start. Of the Oilers first 12 games this season - they only 2 (2-9-1), leading to their coach being fired.
They've won 3 straight since then, so whether or not they can pull themselves from the bottom of the standings and back into contention is something worth watching.
Jerry Thornton| Barstool Sports: Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson Remind People They Were Once Teammates in 17-Woman, 12-Hour Orgy.
Well, if there was ever a time for Chad "OchoCinco" to consider a name change, it would be now. Though, if we're being honest, Chad "Diez y Siete" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
Remember that lady who got kicked out of the Raiders game for flashing her boobs? You know, the one I spent a few paragraphs scolding for public acts of thottery? I will not apply the same standard here.
Paige is an angel and I don't see any people within visibility range of this photo. There is no evidence that she forced her butt cleavage upon anybody. So, this is just a cute photo of a girl having fun and not a public act of thottery. Sorry, trolls, you're gonna have a new angle to attack Paige with cuz this one ain't sticking!
I just lawyer'd the shit out of this one. Be impressed.
Third nipple?! What a headline! Yes, we must investigate (journalism purposes).
Well . . . would you look at that? This Jessica Gardner, a pole-vaulter (giggity) for the Nebraska Cornhuskers, really does have a third nipple.
Since we're not a smut blog, I had to censor the nipple, but it's there, right beneath her right bosom. It's real and according to the article, she has confirmed that "[i]t's true, I do have a third nipple, I'm not going to lie, I used to be ashamed, but I'm just going to own it.” Hear that? She owns it!
You know what, I think I am a fan of Jessica Gardner now. I'm going to do something we've never done before, I'm going to name this tri-tipped-temptress as Flappr's Official College eGirl of 2023. She is very cute. Seems to have a positive disposition and has three nipples. How can you beat 50% more nipple? You can't.
You've got us in your corner now, Jessica! Represent Flappr with honor!
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: uhhhhh . . . damn, I don't know how to rate this one, it's not literal, it's just savage. Little dude really does look like an 'Alien baby'.
Final rating: This is a savage BSO headline!
Very random too . . . I haven't thought about Joe Smith in like 15 years and this is how he pops back up on the national radar? His wife doing porn with alien babies? Brutal. Apparently Kisha has been acting pretty wild for a few months now, starting an OnlyFans and generally humiliating Joe Smith on the internet.
He must have done something bad to make her this crazy. Maybe he was an unspoken third wheel in Chad and TO's Dominican Republic orgy we learned about?
Very Important Meme of the Week
The Doc does not miss.
This simple comparison meme perfectly encapsulates Nikki Haley's absurd obsession with eliminating anonymity on the internet. She wants everyone's legal names to be associated with the things they post online, which . . . yo know, would be really great for the employment status of your average Republican voter.
Good to know that Nikki's priorities align with our most pressing cultural and societal needs. What a retard.
Congrats, @Richard_Harambe, you've won meme of the week.
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