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Despite having already conquered the highly prestigious blonde-bombshell genre of iconic beauties, Sydney Sweeney's appetite for world domination remains unsatiated. On Monday, she appeared at the Met Gala in a black wig, black gloves, and black eyeliner and dethroned Kat Dennings as America's Big Tiddy Goth GF.
This attack by Sweeney was a wholly unprovoked, unexpected, and awe-inspiring act of aggression. I do, however, refuse to condemn Sweeney's actions this week despite how unnecessary and cruel they may have appeared to outside observers.
What most fail to comprehend is that Sydney Sweeney is currently engaged in the full-on upheaval of the gluteocentric communist system that had been in place for over a decade. These efforts require her to consolidate power, which can be achieved by forging alliances or by absorbing weaker factions into her Mommy Milker Movement - often through force. Based on Sweeney's Met Gala display of Gorgeous Gothy Glands, it would appear that, in this instance, she chose violence.
Sydney Sweeney is in the empire-making business and if she wants to become the Empress of Enormous Empyreal Erector Perfectors, then she's going to have to crack a few eggs (or, in this instance, spill a few glasses of milk). By showing up at the Met Gala and deposing the existing Monarch of Melancholic Mammaries, Sweeney sent a message to all other sitting Honoraries of Hallowed Heavies - "Either you're with me or you're against me. Get on board or get out of my way."
It remains to be seen who Sweeney will target next, though military strategists have suggested that Christina Hendricks' Regency over Red-Headed Rooster Boosters makes tactical and political sense.
Will we see an auburn-haired Sydney Sweeney be forced to unleash more bloodshed (or, in this instance, milkshed) or will Hendricks bend the knee? This is a question that only time can answer.
I have a policy of not being unnecessarily cruel on this blog. I genuinely try to avoid mocking any individual's physical appearance. I don't want to be mean to this woman. I don't have any animosity toward her! None! Her music isn't for me, but she does appear rhythmically talented in some respects.
But 'used coffee filter' is the nicest way to describe her Met Gala attire. In reality, she looks like a poop log in that contraption. Did nobody on her team management team not notice and tell her that she looked like a poop log? If so, that was either malpractice or a really, really, cruel joke. Because she does look like a double-tapered poop. The kind that George Brett talked about taking.
She looks like she's playing Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo in a live-action film version of South Park. That's all. I'm going to stop. But she does look like that. I hope that this was a very clever guerilla marketing scheme by Matt and Trey for a forthcoming live-action film version of South Park with Lizzo starring as Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo. Let's hope that's the case. That might be cool.
Time for a palette cleanser.
Look at the confidence beaming from this Barrel Chested Brit. That's what BNE (Big Natural Energy) looks like. And to think, she was bullied for having big natural shoulder boulders. What a shame. According to the article, this Ample Areola'd Anglican was so distraught over what haters and trolls would say about her bosoms that she considered having a breast reduction. Thankfully, her mother convinced her of their importance in her "future sex life and motherhood."
This is why we celebrate moms. Make sure to do something nice for your mother this weekend. Sunday is Mother's Day. Give her a call. Take her brunch. Bring her some flowers. Let her know how important she is to you. Listen to her complain about everything you do wrong. Let her bring up humiliating things you did 30 years ago that she refuses to let go. Sorry, Mom, I didn't understand how much phone sex lines cost back in 1997. I was 8 years old at the time. 50 cents per minute didn't sound that expensive!
Yes, this was just a very circuitous way of adding a Mother's Day tribute to the blog. Moms rule. Happy Mother's Day to all MILFs reading this blog.
Daily Star: Model mortified after having 'loud sex' on holiday – without realizing the windows were open
Far be it from me to question the authenticity of a story told by a 28-year-old adult performer who "specializes in looner (balloon) fetish content" (whatever the fuck that is), but these types of stories always feel a tad "made up for TikTok" to me. I mean, if even half of the self-reported stories of people being caught during the act proved to be true . . . you wouldn't be able to turn a corner without tripping over people publicly polishing the pink porpoise. What I'm trying to say is that an unrealistic number of people claim to have been caught having sex these days.
Assuming for a second that this story is true, she says that gardeners could hear her getting "railed" inside her villa in Thailand. There is no place on earth where heterosexual intercourse between two consenting adults could be less scandalous or uninteresting than in Thailand. Let me tell you, sweetheart, those Thai gardeners have seen some shit in their day. They were probably just happy that they didn't have to listen to the squeals of animals or 'ladyboys' for a change.
Blegh. Moving on . . .
I don't know if I can take another one of these "OnlyFans changed my life and made me rich" type stories. This lady looks like a nice mom and it will break my heart if she does looner fetish content like that other girl. But, I am a journalist, so I will investigate the details of how this former "homeless single mum" now makes "£80k a MONTH".
**investigative journalisming commences**
Oh, would you look at that?
She doesn't have an OnlyFans. She doesn't do adult content of any kind, actually! According to the article, she was only 26 and had a thirteen-month-old daughter when her ex-husband was jailed for being a part of a drug trafficking ring. She needed to find a way to support her daughter, so she went to work until she could afford to open a marketing agency. Now she's successful and making lots of money without exposing herself to strangers!
To me, at least, a healthy society would push stories of strong women persevering in the face of adversity, rather than ones like I've made £24k from selling my hair to random men online or Ebanie Bridges reveals eye-watering amount she earns from OnlyFans and opens up on odd requests from ‘freaks’'. But, you know, those stories generate more clicks, so . . . yeah.
Regular News!
I didn't see many people on social media commenting on the death of Bernard Hill, and that made me sad. Hill was a brilliant character actor with 130 acting credits, who starred in three of the most iconic films of all time. In 1997, Hill brought to life the solemn, duty-bound, and ultimately doomed Captain Edward J. Smith in James Cameron's Titanic. But he will be most remembered for his turn as Théoden, King of Rohan, in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Return of the King.
In a film filled with orcs, elves, dwarves, wizards, and Uruk-hai, Hill's intensity and martial spirit as Théoden stole scenes and grounded the universe in humanity. I can remember sitting in a theater and getting goosebumps after Hill delivered the line "So it begins" in The Two Towers. Hill got me again in the Return of the King when delivering this beautiful monologue:
I think Billy Boyd said it best in a statement he made in remembrance of Hill, stating "I don’t think anyone spoke Tolkien’s words as great as Bernard did."
We lost a great one. RIP.
Fox News: Gov. Hochul says she 'misspoke' when she said some 'Black kids' don't know the word 'computer'
For those too lazy to watch the clip, the Governor of New York, Kathy Hochul, was at an event in California (because that's a good use of taxpayer money) and shared the following about black kids in the Bronx:
"right now we have young Black kids growing up in the Bronx who don’t even know what the word 'computer' is. They don’t know these things."
Ahhhh yes, the soft bigotry of low expectations! You morons don't even know what the word computer is! You see one of those flashy boxes and try to break it open with a rock or something to steal its magic!
I know this trope is tired and pointless, but Democrats really are the real racists. I know. I know. It doesn't matter, the media will cover for them, and it won't change a single vote, but these white Dems do say the most insulting shit about minorities. Remember Biden said, "Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids"? Or when Biden said Barack Obama was “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean.” Or when Nancy Pelosi defended Biden's open border policies because Florida needs illegal aliens to “pick the crops down there".
There are countless examples. I have nothing more to add. That was just a fun walk down memory lane.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Cherie Currie
The one in which Mr. Wombat Socho shares with you a short biography of Cherie Currie, the lead singer for the all-girl punk band the Runaways:
"Cherie Currie went on to become an actress, a mom, and is currently raising hell on X by vigorously opposing the castration and mutilation of kids, which you would think wouldn’t be a controversial stance – but then, we are living in Robert Heinlein’s Crazy Years"
I know very little about music, so I was unfamiliar with Cherie Currie and The Runaways, but upon conducting a little investigative journalism, I did recognize a few of their songs, including this one:
See, I do know a thing or two about music after all. This one is a banger!
David Thompson: Not Entirely Arbitrary
The one in which David Thompson engages in an interesting thought experiment:
"Readers may also note how alleged randomness, in which differences in outcome can only be explained by pillage and oppression, and in which nothing has ever been earned, can, for some, be ideologically convenient. And a habit of mind."
Yeah, no, I was born into a family in America in the 1980s because of a series of events that have roots throughout Europe and the Americas that happened over thousands and thousands of years. Not random. Thank you, ancestors!
Sports News!
NHL Playoffs: Round 2
Before I get into a few thoughts on Round 2 of the NHL Playoffs, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that the Toronto Maple Leafs forced a Game 7 against the Bruins and then . . . choked the series away in overtime. Just as I told you they would FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS! Just as they have done countless times before. This is their fate. The hockey gods have forsaken them.
Ok, here are some thoughts for Round 2:
New York Rangers vs. Carolina Hurricanes (Rangers up 3-0)
The Rangers have the best goalie (Igor Shestyorkin - try saying that three times fast) left in the playoffs. They have the deepest roster filled with goal scorers (like Artemi Panarin). They have human sasquatch, Matt Rempe. They look like the best team in hockey. They are going to win this series against a very good Hurricanes team. They are the favorites to win the Stanley Cup.
Oh, and this happened in Game 2. Hockey Rules.
Colorado Avalanche vs. Dallas Stars (Series tied 1-1)
The Stars took a 3-0 lead in the first period of Game 1 and then methodically gave the lead away over the next two periods before losing the game in overtime 4-3. The Avalanche are just so deep and so good - their only weakness is their goalie, Alexandar Georgiev, who sucks - but the team is great at covering for him. After scoring three on only nine shots in the first period, Dallas only had 7 shots in the second and third periods combined. Your goalie sucks way less when the other team can't shoot pucks at him.
The Avalanche look like a pretty safe bet to win the Western Conference this year unless the Oilers somehow learn how to play defense. Prepare for Avs Fan and Flappr Chief Legal Correspondent, Jarvis Best, to be real fucking annoying for the next few months. Let's hope they lose in the Cup Finals. That would crush him.
Boston Bruins vs. Florida Panthers (Series Tied 1-1)
Last year, the Bruins won the President's Trophy (best record in the NHL), but were humiliated in the first round by the bottom-seeded Panthers. This year, the Panthers are the favorites but dropped Game 1 to a mediocre-looking Bruins squad. Like the great George Lucas once said "It's like poetry, they rhyme."
The Panthers were actually down a goal in Game 2 and looked like dog shit before scoring six unanswered goals. After the last one, the stars from both teams decided to beat the shit out of each other. It was pretty great. Hockey Rules.
Edmonton Oilers vs. Vancouver Canucks (Canucks up 1-0)
The Oilers had six days off between eliminating the Kings and Game 1 of this series. They took a commanding 4-1 lead in the second period and somehow lost this 5-4. I say "somehow lost" but I know how they lost - their goalie, Stuart Skinner, was fucking terrible. Skinner allowed 5 goals on 23 shots (.792 SV% - very bad) and they soffft goals. He's the Achilles heel of this team.
Connor McDavid is the best player on Earth and somehow did not register a shot on net in Game 1. That can't happen. McDavid needs to find a way to fucking win this series. No more excuses about the Oilers' shitty D or goalie (both are shitty, though), it's time for McJesus to nut up, put the team on his back and will this team to an almost assured loss to Colorado in the Western Conference Finals.
The Dallas Stars: have a secret weapon.
I know I just got done explaining how the Stars had little hope of winning their Round 2 series against the Avalanche, but I did not say they had no hope at all. The Stars have not yet deployed their most potent panoply of power - a platinum-blonde beauty with behind-the-bench bolt-ons.
Meet Nat, an internet legend who gained notoriety for sitting behind the Stars' bench and displaying a cornucopia of cleavage that is often visible on TV during reaction shots of the Stars' head coach. Nat has become so iconic in Dallas that the seat behind the bald head of head coach, Peter DeBoer, is commonly referred to as "Nat's seat" by the Stars' fandom.
When the team needed a boost in Game 7 against the Golden Knights, guess who led the team to victory? Some might say it was Radek Faksa, who scored the series-winning goal, but astute observers know it was Nat, clad in black, with her Twin Towers of Silicone Power neatly perched behind the glass, who roused the team to conquer their foes.
Nat was not, to my knowledge, in attendance for Game 1 against Colorado. It will be interesting to see if she will appear, and once again, rescue the team from the brink of devastation in Game 2. We will update you on any further developments.
Barstool Sports | Jerry Thornton: Netflix's Tom Brady Roast Was the Comedy Special America Needed
I'm not sure what Tom Brady was thinking when he signed up to be the subject of this roast, but he might have somehow ended up saving comedy. This roast was the edgiest thing I've seen on any mainstream platform since . . . they used to do these roasts on Comedy Central back in the early 00s. There were retard jokes, Aaron Hernandez suicide jokes, massage parlor handjob jokes, dick jokes, pussy jokes, cum jokes, and **gasp** jokes about black people and gay people made by people who are neither black nor gay! A zoomer watching this roast must have been so confused why the people on the stage were saying mean things about each other, but everyone was laughing - including the targets of the ridicule.
The funniest roasters were, naturally, the professional comedians. Nikki Glaser and Tony Hinchcliffe were standouts in this respect, but black lesbian comedienne, Sara Jay, might have had the funniest line of the night when she said that Brady does "a lot of n***** shit” for a guy who "doesn't like black people" adding that Brady "took out illegal PPP loans and didn’t raise [his] kids”. Big props to her for making the first PPP loan scammer joke I've seen outside of Twitter.
Bill Belichick had a joke about Robert Kraft's shitty hit job documentary on Apple TV and another about how Tom Brady had his head up Alex Guerrero's ass. Gronk made jokes about Brady anally penetrating Bill Belichick from Florida. Julian Edelman made a joke about convicted murderer, Aaron Hernandez, hanging himself. Ben Affleck showed up and embarrassed himself. Dana White called the people who run Netflix "liberal fucks". Kim Kardashian was booed. Many people made fun of Brady's ex-wife banging a jiujitsu instructor. Much fun was had by all.
The intriguing about this roast has been the public reaction - it's received near-universal praise. Netflix puts on the most savage display of non-PC humor in recent memory and the people loved it! Who would've guessed? Maybe this will serve as a moment for people to realize that jokes are not violence and it's ok to laugh at and with each other again. That would be nice. Time will tell.
Livvy Dunne's Boyfriend: got called up to the Majors.
I don't talk a lot about MLB on here because I don't follow baseball much anymore (nerds and communists ruined the game). I do, however, know that the best prospect in baseball is right-handed Pirates flamethrower, Paul Skenes. I know this because Skenes is dating eGirl icon, Livvy Dunne. I know who Livvy Dunne is because I write this blog and lots of horny bloggers on the internet write about her constantly (not me, I'm writing about them writing about her). So, writing this blog has essentially turned me into the equivalent of a 35-year-old white woman who discovered football after Travis Kelce started dating Taylor Swift.
Skenes does look fucking sick, though. He regularly throws 100 mph. He was a beast at LSU (where he met Dunne). He has been unhittable in his brief time in the minors (45Ks in 27IP). He has a cool stache. If he grows a mullet, he'll become the next Randy Johnson.
Skenes is slated to make his major league debut against the Cubs on Saturday.
I have no idea who Camila Giorgi is and have never watched her play a single set of tennis, but her retirement is troubling news. How could she just retire without letting us know? How could she do this to us, her most ardent and faithful fans?
To learn more about Ms. Giorgi, I did some journalism by googling her name and scrolling her Instagram profile. What I found was that Camilia posts almost exclusively photos of herself in bikinis and lingerie. Not much tennis on there! That led me to perform more journalism by looking up her WTA profile, where I learned that she is ranked 116th in the world and the closest she ever came to winning a Grand Slam was a quarter-final appearance back in 2018.
So, Camilia is kind of an Anna Kournikova type (remember her?). Pretty good, but probably more notable for being very pretty than for her success on the court. That's ok, maybe she lost the passion required to grind out training every day. Maybe she got tired of the travel. Maybe she just wants to enjoy the quiet life of an Instagram eGirl sports influencer. No matter what, we, the members of "The Camila Crew" (an imaginary fan club that I just invented) will support her.
BSO: Fans Go Wild Over Ice Hockey Player Mikayla Demaiter Showing Off Massive Cleavage In A Pinky Lace Dress; and Volleyball Star Kayla Simmons Puts Her Bum And Toned Abs On Display In Cowgirl Outfit
We must investigate the literalness of these BSO headlines (journalistic purposes):
A first-ever BSO Literal Headline Double Feature!
Basically, I strolled over to BlackSportsOnline.com and was presented with a proverbial Sophie's Choice - do I choose to write about Mikayla "Showing Off Massive Cleavage in a Pinky Lace Dress" or Kayla putting her "Bum and Toned Abs on Display in [a] Cowgirl Outfit"? I didn't want to choose. And I don't have to choose because this is a stupid reoccurring bit in a stupid blog that nobody reads.
So, I chose both. Because they're worth it and you're worth it if you've scrolled this far down on the page.
Yes, these are both very literal BSO headlines. Enjoy your weekend.
Meme of the Week!
This week's honors goes to OG Flappr contributor, @OnlineSoylord, for this very inspiring look into our political future. Earlier this week, word came down that Barron Trump - the best member of the Trump family - had been named a delegate by the Florida GOP for the 2024 election. The Daily Mail then went on to report that Barron is "far more politically interested than people realize" and that he has become "increasingly comfortable with the idea of taking on a more visible role like his older siblings." Good.
Barron Trump is the 6'7 barbarian warlord that we've all been waiting for. He's a fucking unit and looks like Augustus Caesar. We will all thrive once he ascends to power and we live under the iron fist of his (constitutional) rule. You have all been put on notice - Barron's legionnaires (delegates) will cross the Rubicon (the Potomac River) in 2044 and we will all rejoice on his coronation day (inauguration). The screams of his enemies (tears from liberals who are sad that Barron won a free and fair election) will be music to our ears.
The meme itself blends the news with a modified screenshot from Crusader Kings 3 - a game where the player can build empires throughout history. The synthesis of gaming and meme culture is among my favorite genres of memes. How can you look at this visage of GigaBarron walking next to Mom and Dad and not laugh?
Well done, @OnlineSoylord. Go give him a follow!
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