We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news! We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
VERY Important MILF Feud of 2023 News!
After the first lull of Most Intriguing Latin Female Feud of 2023 ("MILF Feud of 2023"), we were due for a resumption of active combat. Yes, the thirst-posting tête-à-tête between Salma Hayek and Sofia Vergara resumed this past week as both women dialed up on the sexy snaps, unleashing the awe-inspiring force of their Strapping South American Sweater Cannons.
We'll start with the Chicano Chesticles of Salma Hayek, who, while vacationing with her family in Mexico, posted this equestrian themed thirst to her Instagram:
Hayek's post, which has become referred to as the Mounted Maracas Maneuver, racked up nearly 500,000 likes on Instagram and comments from extremely horny reply guys like @mikaelrova, who said "Woow 😍😍 soo nice 🥰🥰an beautiful salma💖👌👌🦋🦋💙🙏😊😊🥰".
Not to be outdone, Vergara posted a photo of herself in a fuchsia-colored one-piece that highlighted her Medellín Milkers:
On the whole, Vergara's post, including both a hint of cleavage and hip, was the more aggressively thirsty, but it failed to garner as much fervent engagement on Instagram - collecting only 302,000 likes and eliciting less horny-horny, more regular-horny comments like "❤️❤️🔥Lovely" from @bagherimohsen740.
The tepid response to Vergara's post has left many strategists to wonder if the photo would've performed better if Vergara had had ditched the sarong and exposed more of her hips and thighs.
Regardless, based on the reaction to Hayek's Horse-backed Himalayas and our investigative reporting on this thing we totally made up, this week's MILF Feud ends in victory for Salma Hayek.
As always, we will continue to monitor The MILF Feud of 2023 for further developments.
Very Important News
Scarlett Johansson: let people know she's still very hot.
People forget that Scarlett Johansson is very pretty and there was a time when she would've been at the top of many people's "would" list. Frankly, I think ScarJo's turn in the MCU severely held back her hotness. After playing up some of the sexy in Iron Man 2, the execs at Disney-Marvel decided that a character that was designed to be a femme fatale should actually be less femme, more sexless and less interesting all together.
This aligns with how Hollywood has collectively decided that female nudity is bad, but that people are in desperate need to see more penises than ever before.
Archery: is a contact sport.
Fun fact - Amazon women would cut off one of their breasts to avoid injuries such as the one suffered by our clumsy big tiddy renaissance faire GF in the video above.
Less fun fact - what I just said was a myth and has been disproven.
Daily Mail: Farm shop asks people to stop posing topless in their fields after increased reports of 'naked photography'
Imagine being known as the fruit farm where women go to unsheathe their melons for the 'gram. That's not just fun, it's probably quite lucrative. Can only imagine how many horned up dudes would, for the first time in their lives, willingly visit a fruit farm either alone or with their significant others.
"Babe, wanna go to the fruit farm this weekend?"
"Huh? I've asked you to take me there 10 times and you always say 'no, I'm not gay, I have no interest in going to a fruit farm. What changed?"
"Nothing . . . I just love you so much! Now shut up and get in the car."
Does anyone really think she looks 28?
She's an attractive 48 year old woman who looks like an attractive, well-maintained, woman in her 40's.
That's not an insult. She'd be even more attractive if she wore something less weird. Not sure who came up with the idea of wearing a corset as outwear, but I'll take a sundress over try-hard, made for public, lingerie any day.
Speaking of. . .
No Context, Beautiful Woman Wearing Sundress:
It wouldn't be a weekly episode of T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) if a Rupert Murdoch owned media outlet hadn't published a story about a woman who's proud that she stopped shaving her pits n' bits.
In fact, between The NY Post and The Sun, this is the TENTH straight week they've published a story promoting a hairy women agenda.
We will continue to cover this vile trend until they stop publishing these articles.
Jennifer Lawrence: turned 33.
Apparently, unlike ScarJo, Jennifer Lawrence got extremely naked in her latest film, 'No Hard Feelings'. I wouldn't know because I have not seen 'No Hard Feelings' and I am not a smut promoter (yes, I can hear you laughing through the computer screen), but according to sources, JLaw gets VERY nekkid.
Good for her!
Not sure how to feel about this viral trend. Personally, I believe that Bountiful Button-Busters look more bewitching when bridled in a brassiere. Boobas in bras look properly nestled, shapely and secured in a way that is pleasing to the eye.
You also have to factor in how wearing a properly fitted bra can, as milkers mature, help prevent sagging by limiting the stretching of the Cooper's ligaments. That's just a huge long-term benefit, you know?
But then I saw some women commenting on how bras can be uncomfortable and are "terrible for breast tissue". That makes me sympathetic. I don't know how. I was reactively anti-ditch-the-bra and now I'm open for reconsideration. I am a breast enthusiast; I don't want things that will damage them.
Ladies, , , your thoughts?
PLUS: Abby Shapiro CRUSHES *pregnancy friendly* Summer Styles!
Listen, , , we love Abby, she looks beautiful here and we have been on good behavior for months. . . let us have this one, ok?
Very Important Meme of the Week
This week's honor goes to the myth, the legend, the Man with the Golden Dick, Dr. Cock and Balls, the namesake for Flappr's annual @Richard_Harambe Excellence in Memeing Award - @Richard_Harambe.
Our meme of the week utilizes the topic of the moment (Oliver Anthony's Rich Men North of Richmond) and synthesizes that topic with on point visual reference to zoomer hair and clever zoomer-speak lyrics.
It just works and provides a template for others to build upon.
10/10 - no cap, fr fr, ong this meme is bussin.
Other Important News
Donald Trump: was indicted again (x4) - this time in Georgia.
Thankfully I can direct you to our chief legal correspondent @jarvis_best for commentary on this indictment, which was provided earlier this week in Torts Illustrated - The Trump Indictment. Go read that, please.
I will note, however, that it's fascinating that Fani Willis, the Fulton County DA who filed the indictment against Trump and 18 others, has chosen March 4th as a trial date. I say this because March 5th is Super Tuesday, where 14 states will casts votes in the GOP Primary.
It's almost as if Fani Willis chose this date for political reasons. It's almost as if Democrats, like Fani Willis, can read polls and see that every time the GOP base sees the justice system go after Trump . . . his numbers go up. It's almost as if by scheduling a trial for the day before Super Tuesday, Fani Willis is stoking the emotions of GOP voters to go out and vote for Trump in what they view as an act of loyalty and defiance. It's almost as if Democrats may view Donald Trump as a beatable candidate in 2024 and are doing whatever they can to try and set up a rematch of 2020.
Nah. . . couldn't be, right? If that were the case, though, it sure would be a shame if that plan backfired on them.
Joe Biden: wants to talk to your children about ice cream.
Listen folks, , , I may not be an intelligent man, but I can tell you this much - never let Joe Biden have a secret conversation with your children about ice cream.
This isn't like letting your kid sleep at Michael Jackson's house in the early 90's - nobody will pay you for your story, the media will not care if he sniffs their hair, the DOJ will not prosecute if that ice cream convo turns into shower time.
Proceed at your own risk.
Joe Biden: don't give a fuck about Maui.
I'm old enough to remember the media reaction to George W. Bush's handling of Katrina and let me tell you, they basically blamed him for the entire thing. The media then suggested that FEMA's lackluster response and Bush's decision to delay a visit to New Orleans (ostensibly to avoid diverting resources needed for emergency response) was proof that he hated black people.
In several ways, the Maui wildfires are comparable to Katrina - dysfunctional and incompetent local administrators, death, unspeakable devastation. The difference? Joe Biden released a statement (which he almost certainly didn't write) and then refused to even comment on the devastation while on vacation in Delaware. Likewise, Biden didn't announce any plans to visit Maui until this past Monday - about six days after the fires erupted.
The media, if you can believe it, did not condemn Biden for not showing enough urgency or compassion for the Hawaiian people.
Funny that.
Karine Jean-Pierre: posted a POTUS tweet from her personal account.
This is the sort of thing that gets an entry-level social media manager fired from Applebee's. Thank goodness for KJP she's a "historic figure" in this administration (her words, not mine), or else people might start to think she's terrible at her job.
Noah Rothman / National Review: The Hunter Biden Scandal Is Breaking Through
The one in which Noah Rothman has more faith in the attention span of the average American than I do (despite polling that suggests I'm wrong).
Charles C.W. Cooke / National Review: What Is the Plan, Republicans?
The one in which Charles Cooke shares some his concerns (many of which I share) over the prospects of the 2024 election, but fails to recognize that people no longer listen to writers, such as Charles Cooke.
My take: we're going to all have to sit back, cross our fingers, say a prayer and hope that the train barreling down the track is somehow derailed and comically results in Trump becoming both the 45th and 47th president of the United States.
Fuck. I hate bugs.
Fuck, look at the fucking size of this thing. Ugh.
Fuck this hornet.
Fuck bugs.
Andrew Stiles / The Washington Free Beacon: Grifters Gonna Grift: Lincoln Project Adviser Sells Overpriced Trump-Themed Mints to Depressed Liberal Wine Moms
Have to wonder how much money the LP grifted from people who actually bought into their "we're the good, principled, Republicans" bullshit. A good reminder to all of us to always be skeptical of political allegiance swaps.
Apparently, Joe Biden used the pseudonym "Robert L. Peters" to correspond with Devin Archer and Hunter Biden while he was Vice President.
It's obvious that Joe is corrupt, it's also fairly clear that he will unlikely ever suffer real consequences for taking literal bribes. Joe Biden makes Rod Blagojevich look a decent, honest and humble public servant.
The Other McCain: CNN’s Endless Indictment Orgasm; Looting Nordstrom and Other Recent News From Zimbabwe, U.S.A. and How Do We Manage Compromise?
The one in which Smitty at The Other McCain raises a good question - yes, we want to win the next election, but how and at what cost to principle?
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily Stupid Judges News
The one in which Animal shares a very concerning story out of Montana where some judge gave standing to a group of kids (propped up and funded by climate groups) to sue the state over climate change induced trauma.
Thompson, blog: You Know, For Kids and Let’s Do It, But In A Way That’s Less Likely To Work
The one in which David Thompson investigates a "queer couple looking for co-parents to raise a child with", including hilarious discoveries, such as "men sending unsolicited offers of sperm" and the tragedy of how "co-parenting seems to overwhelmingly appeal to cis women, trans men and non-binary people assigned female at birth"!
Victory Girls Blog / Darleen Click: Sunday Morning Cafe Cocktails
Darleen over at Victory Girls Blog runs her own weekly digest blog, but it's actually full of good headlines and opinions. . . rather than whatever it is that I do here.
Important News, BUT Sports
The Dallas Cowboys: are kicking the shit out of each other.
I've never been on a team where one dude legitimately tries to fuck up one of his teammates. Always wondered how a locker room comes back after something like that. Feels like this extremely talented Cowboys team is destined for failure.
Apparently, Mr. Chase hit it and quit it with Ms. Ambar Nicole (pictured above) and then Ms. Nicole decided to (according to Chase) send him photos of a random baby, pretending it was hers and that Chase was the father.
A healthy reminder that we should not "believe all women" as women are as capable as men when it comes to lying and being generally awful people.
Good looking woman, though. . .very thicccc, if you're into that sort of thing!
Barstool Sports / Jerry Thornton: Tom Brady and Irina Shayk Try the Old 'Leave From Separate Exits" Trick After a 48-Hour Hotel Session. And Fool Exactly Nobody
See, Tom? I told you that you didn't need to shtup Kim Kardashian! Look at you! Love nesting and being all adorable with Bradley Cooper's ex-girlfriend! She's really pretty, Tom! Good for you!
Boning a Kardashian would've been a terrible life choice! You could never come back from that, Tom! You'll thank me some day!
The "Does Jordan Love Sucks-O-Meter":
Each week I will be dissecting the play of Jordan Love to determine whether or not he sucks (he does suck, I think).
So - did Jordan Love suck this week?
Hahahahahah yes, he fucking sucked:
and oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, no, he did not suck:
Current Does Jordan Love Sucks-O-Meter: hmmm, hard to say.
Barstool Sports: Jonathan Toews Announces That He Is Not Retiring, But He Isn't Going To Play Either
Former (still hurts) Chicago Blackhawks captain, Jonathan Toews, isn't retiring - but also doesn't plan to play this year. For those of you who are unawares, Toews, who won three Stanley Cups for the Blackhawks has been battling a weird illness for the past several years. He says he's been suffering from chronic immune response syndrome and long COVID and he feels like shit more often than not.
Whatever, the guy was and is a fucking legend. He can do whatever he wants. I just want him to be happy and healthy.
Outkick: ESPN Hot Air Balloon Dan Orlovsky Claims Sam Darnold Could Lead San Francisco 49ers To Super Bowl
Alternate headline: Former shitty quarterback thinks current shitty quarterback is better than current shitty quarterback really is.
Not sure what this has to do with poetry, butt (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes) . . . yowza, that's a good looking woman.
BSO: Watch Ring Girl Apollonia Llewellyn Get Temperatures Soaring With Thirst Trap Photos Showing Off Massive Cleavage
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: Uhhhh yup, that's massive cleavage (and somehow also massive underboob and sideboob?). Yes, this is a very literal BSO headline.
Your Weekly "The Paige Spiranac Of": Rachel Stuhlmann, The Paige Spiranac Of Tennis
As I've mentioned before, the phrase "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" gets thrown around a lot these days and that label is almost always applied inappropriately and to unworthy candidates.
I consider myself a true "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" expert, so I will now review and rate the accuracy of this claim.
The Paige Spiranac of <blank> Accuracy Rating: hmmm this is close, Ms. Stuhlmann has all the right assets for "Paige Spiranac of" status, the body, the cleavage, the association with a sport or occupation. . . I think Rachel might be the actual The Paige Spiranac of Tennis.
I'm still inconclusive, though - I don't want to be like Outkick and casually annoint "Paige Spiranac of" status without first knowing if she shares Paige's effervescent personality.
I welcome your thoughts in the comments below.
Actual Paige Spiranac: is selling a calendar.
Do people still buy calendars? I suppose if I were to buy one, a Paige Spiranac "golf and bikini calendar" would be the one to purchase. Luckily, I'm not a smut enthusiast and will not be buying any such "golf and bikini calendar".
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