We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news! We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Very Important News!
Paige Spiranac: Cosplayed as Velma; broke the internet.
Folks, , , , you will likely think I'm lying, but I don't often give much of a second glance to any number of the thirst photos published on Twitter within a given day.
This Paige Spiranac photo was different, though. It took my breath away. I think I might have even muttered "holy shit" to myself the first time I saw this photo.
I mean, could you blame me? Seriously, holy shit, right? She looks so fantastic here. Confident, curvy and costumed. Peak femininity.
Did this photo break the internet? I don't know, but it should have.
The tyrannical time of Titanic Tushes is coming to an end. Paige Spiranac, Abby Shapiro and others like them are ushering in the dawn of a new era. Welcome to the age of the Mammoth Mommy Milkies.
What a time to be alive.
I mean, I think we all can tell them apart - but the point is taken, they're all very fit and attractive given their relative ages.
Yes, this is a rare "would, would, would" - daughter, mother, grandmother combo.
My grandmother did not look like that. Grandma Bart didn't wear a sports bra or yoga pants or have fake boobs or washboard abs. She was just a regular grandma and I loved her dearly. And now that I'm thinking about her. . . I miss her terribly.
Thanks a lot, NY Post.
So, this lady posted a photo of herself on some dating app, where it looks like she's trying to coyly show off her minge. Some dude responds to her and, in his own overly self-important, cringe way, sends her some unsolicited advice: "hey, don't post minge on your profile if you want to find someone serious".
In response to this message, this lady posts the exchange on a Facebook group, seeking affirmation its members that she was not being whorish. She was shocked when many people "were siding with the man" and super-duper surprised when “a registered relationship counselor or something . . . basically said he was right and I wouldn’t attract anyone of substance.”
To me, she has an argument that the guy was a douche for sending her that unsolicited message. The whole tone of his advice was, more or less, "you're missing out on great guys, like me, because of this minge photo" which was less advice and more this guy sucking his own dick.
Where she loses me is where she insists that she chose that pose because it looked "natural" and that it wasn't intended to send any message to potential suitors. BULLLLLLLLSHIT. That cleavage and the center framed minge shot is sending a very clear signal to the dudes on that app and its "hey, looks at these and look at this. . . interested?" She's 31 years old and she knows that, but she thought she could play the victim card on Facebook and was smacked with a dose of reality that she couldn't handle.
It's wild that the NY Post actually publishes shit like this these days. It's even more wild that I wrote an entire blog's worth of text on it myself. Are you even still reading this? Why?
I am a firm supporter of dudes dating single moms (if the situation with the ex-husband is stable etc. . .), but dating a woman that's pregnant with another man's baby? That seems like some type of neo-liberal kink degeneracy.
Ladies, , , would you do this? I know pregnancy hormones can make women crazy horny, but doesn't it seem dangerous to bang randos while you're carrying a baby?
Fellas, , , if you bang a pregnant-soon-to-be-single-mom, you better sign up for the whole deal. Hitting and quitting on a pregnant lady seems really fucking low.
Whole thing is fucked up. I hope she reconciles with the father.
Daily Mail: Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards' OnlyFans model daughter Sami, 19, details struggle to quit VAPING ahead of breast augmentation - as she admits she hasn't gone a 'single day' without nicotine since age 14
Sweetheart, of all the things listed in the headline of this article. . . 'quitting vaping' is the least of your issues.
Folks, , , stay together for the kids.
From the article: "One day, I was lying down when I felt a hand move from my feet to my chest. It was strange, I was scared.
'From that moment on, he started coming to me like a spirit to have sex with me.'
'He was a very big man. But the day I caught a glimpse of him, he had fangs and the face of a gargoyle'."
This lady was probably just molested, right? Like the ghost was probably just her uncle or something? I hope she calls the police.
This story feels 'made for TikTok' aka 'total bullshit', but I thought it was funny that Aussie's call tube tops "bandeaus". Like, how did they come up with that name? Is it supposed to be like "rubber band?" Did they just look at a tube top, identify that it was stretchy and say "oi, this is stretchy, just like a rubba band, let's call this stretchy do-dad a bandeau!" It sure seems that way.
I wonder how many other Aussie terms have similar etymologies.
Susan Sarandon: The Marxist-Milker'd-Movie-Maven turned 77
Susan Sarandon has never met a feminist liberal cause she didn't advocate on behalf of; she's a Marxist midwit to be certain. But she's also one of the most successful actresses of her generation.
For my money, her most iconic role was as Annie Savoy in Bull Durham, one of the best sports movies of all time. Sarandon steals so scenes this movie, playing an English teacher who fucks minor league baseball players for sport and to fill the God shaped hole in her heart.
Perhaps even more touching is how Crash Davis, a masculine catcher (baseball kind, not gay kind) played by Kevin Costner, is able to break Annie of her whorish behavior by helping her see the virtues of monogamy. Great film.
Oh, and Susan Sarandon has giant boobs. All natural shoulder boulders. Very big.
Anyways, she's 77 now.
Historically speaking, it was a very bold move to challenge a group of Germans on a train, given how . . . you know, 'efficiently' they used them in the 1930s and 40s.
Actually, the Germans are not the victims here - it's this woman's boyfriend who is quixotically pleading with her to stop. The boyfriend knew how bad this was going end up and was begging her to let him save her from herself.
Drunk, entitled, white-woman energy is one of the most powerful forces known to our cosmos. There was nothing going to get in the way of this future cat lady and clapping back against whatever real or imagined slight she believed she suffered.
Joy Behar: wants help finding her G-Spot.
I have never imagined what Joy Behar looks or sounds like while she's having an orgasm. I still haven't, but this video stumbled across my timeline forced me to consider the fact that Joy Behar probably does have orgasms and that alone should be a crime. This was not cool, @NickFondacaro.
Murdoch Muff Gate: Forget hot girl summer, hairy girl winter has arrived
I know what you're all going to say: "Ugh, Bart, what's with all of these hairy women in the blog!? Especially after doing an entire paragraph about Joy Behar flicking her bean until she gives herself a brain-melting orgasm?!?"
Well, I apologize, I thought that we had broken the Murdoch Media Empire. I thought we had seen the end of Murdoch Muff Gate. I really did want to be done with this bit, but *Al Pacino Voice* just when I thought I was out. . . they pull me back in! I'm sorry, I care about this issue. I don't want America to become a hairy woman wasteland, like Europe.
So here we are, back where we started.
It wouldn't be a weekly episode of T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) if a Rupert Murdoch owned media outlet hadn't published a story about a woman who's proud that she stopped shaving her pits n' bits.
Less Important News
Speaker McCarthy: is now former speaker McCarthy.
So I think two things can be true at the same time here: 1) Kevin McCarthy was an ineffective speaker, who didn't do enough to advance the Conservative movement in Congress (to be fair, his majority was incredibly small); and 2) Matt Gaetz and the eight Republicans who voted with the Democrats are stupid to pull this stunt now, when they don't appear to have much of a plan and all this did was shift a news cycle away from Biden investigations, appointing someone from Maryland to fill a vacant California Senate seat, Bob Menendez being Scrooge McDuck etc. . .
I hope there is a plan, I hope Gaetz is playing 400-D chess, I hope we're going to look back on this and think "wow, that was the smart play and totally not a blunder that made the GOP look like total incompetent cunts".
Donald Trump: next Speaker of the House?
At this point, fuck . . . man, I don't know.
Things are very, very, silly these days. Sillier than usual, even!
We live in silly times.
This story has been centerstage on Twitter for most of the week. I'll do my best to summarize here: basically, the dude on the right was a huge progressive activist who advocated to defund the police and every other far-left cause you can imagine; he was out with his girlfriend, they were waiting for a bus and the guy on the right approached them and stabbed this dude to death while the girlfriend stood by and watched. It was totally random, the killer didn't know him, they don't appear to have had any confrontation, the killer just . . . decided to kill him.
More or less, a lot of people are saying "he got what deserved because he advocated for x, y, z". I just can't bring myself to contextualize someone's murder that way. Yes, I think Ryan Carson's political views were incredibly dumb, but I don't think he deserved to be randomly stabbed in the heart and die.
To me, framing his murder around his politics reminds me of how leftoids celebrated when unvaccinated people died from COVID. I thought that was vile and disgusting. I hated when they did that. I don't want to be like them. I am choosing to reject that level of cynicism.
National Review: The House’s Santos Stain
After all that's happened this week, National Review believes that a story about George Santos is worthy of the front page on its website? Really, NR? Merits of this piece aside, this is what was deemed most newsworthy this week?
Andrew Stiles / The Washington Free Beacon: DEATH WATCH: After Feinstein, Which Ancient Democrat Will 'Retire' Next?
From the article:
"Feinstein was hardly the only Democratic politician who is way too old to still be in office. It's only a matter of time before one of them "retires" due to natural causes. Here's a look at some of the elderly and infirm Democrats who are most likely to vacate their seats in the near future on account of being dead."
Andrew Stiles is a very funny dude. You should make his columns part of your weekly reading diet.
Lee Enphield / En Bloc Press: GatGPT and The Digital Second Amendment
From the article:
"GatGPT is an LLM (large language model) built on Llama2 and fine-tuned with inputs from DEFCAD, firearm manufacturer data, crowdsourced inputs, and handpicked expert texts."
The one in which Lee Enphield shares his thoughts on ChatGPT and the forthcoming release of 'GatGPT', an AI chat bot for second amendment enthusiasts.
Lee is really talented, and you should go subscribe to his newsletter.
The one in which Robert Stacy McCain shares his concerns over the eight GOP representatives' decision to remove Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House.
From the article:
"Some conservatives may have loathed McCarthy as a compromised, unprincipled sellout, and I have no interest in debating anyone about McCarthy’s faults. The problem is that, having created this vacancy, the GOP insurgents offer no candidate capable of filling the void. Critics may say that anyone would be better than McCarthy, but which “anyone” do they have in mind?"
Well said, I have many of these same concerns myself.
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily New Future News
The one in which Animal shares his thoughts on Victor Davis Hanson's recent appearance on Tucker Carlson, which you can watch here:
The one in which David shares his enjoyments of several AI generated Norman Rockwell paintings that depict modern American life, including: An American politician celebrating a bearded man in a dress and a man with pigtails brutalizing a woman during a wrestling match.
He's right, these are clever and pretty funny.
Important News, BUT Sports
Dick Butkus: RIP
You cannot tell the story of the NFL without telling the story of Dick Butkus.
What a man. What a legend.
TNF: The Bears honor Dick Butkus by shit-pumping the Commies.
Just as I've always said - Justin Fields is awesome. Dude has all the tools to become the best quarterback of all time.
I've been trying to tell you for weeks now that the Bears are a well-run organization that doesn't deserve public ridicule!
In all seriousness, Justin Fields is balling out right now. He's got 8 TDs and 1 INT over his last two games and has thrown for almost 600 yards. Those are . . . Mahomes like numbers?
How is this the same guy who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn 3 weeks ago?
Dude is playing with confidence and is the reason the Bears have been in (and should've won) their last two games. Now, we've seen short stretches of superior play from Fields before, so, I'm not wholly back in on Justin Fields being "the guy" until he plays this way consistently.
But I'm a little back in on Justin Fields being "the guy" and that feels good to say. The Bears won a game, breaking a fourteen game, nearly calendar year long, losing streak and that feels good to say too.
Yes, that's from me. I wrote these mammoth reviews because I like football and I like to entertain you. Please, go read them. They're good and fun and funny and worth your time if you like football.
Please, just go read them.
Jerry Thorton / Barstool Sports: Trevor Bauer Goes OFF on His Accuser After Both Drop Their Lawsuits, With No Money Changing Hands
"Next victim. Star pitcher for the Dodgers." - Literal Demon Woman.
Major League Baseball suspended Trevor Bauer for 324 games (later reduced to ONLY 194), costing him $60 million dollars owed to him by the LA Dodgers.
Why? Well, it sure looks like a woman tried to extort Bauer, he refused to pay up and libtard sports writers published a story based on what was contained in the 'accuser's' request for a restraining order (which was denied) without doing the work to verify whether or not it was actually true.
This is a nightmare story. There are evil people involved. In a sane world, the 'accuser' would be in jail and the journos that helped facilitate her 'accusations' would be in the next cell over.
Unfortunately, nobody will face any real consequences. Bauer has already settled his defamation claims against his 'accuser' and the media entities responsible for pushing this story. After all that has been said and done, Bauer walks away having lost three years of his baseball career, $60 million dollars (plus attorney's fees) poorer, an editor's note from The Athletic and the right to post that video in an attempt to clear his name.
Big Cat: was swarmed by Swifties after joking that he won't believe the Travis Kelce / Taylor Swift romance is real until they release a sex tape.
I love Big Cat and listened to this joke on Pardon My Take the morning it posted. I chuckled, because I knew he was joking.
The Swifties on Twitter, who absolutely DO NOT listen to Pardon My Take, are humorless, did not like the joke and set the internet ablaze. This is what happens when a joke escapes the confines of a dedicated audience bubble - chaos ensues. You had actresses and models dragging Big Cat for saying he needs to see "dick in vagina" before he will "consummate" their relationship (I think he meant "bless their relationship, but whatever). All in all, Big Cat took his public lashing like a man, people got to virtue signal off of his joke and it seems like everyone had fun.
Oh, and if anyone at Barstool Chicago ever stumbles across this blog - I know of a website that makes historical documentaries and is definitely for sale. Would go over very well with your audience, really diversify your content portfolio.
Hit me up.
Brock Purdy was the final pick of the 2022 NFL Draft and signed a four-year entry level contract with the 49ers worth $3.7 million dollars. People are kind of laughing off how Purdy is making $870,000 this year and still has a roommate, but California has 12.3% state income tax for its top earners, the top federal tax bracket is 37%, he has to pay his agent 3%.
After all that, Purdy is taking home about 450K and the average price of a nice two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is like $5,000 a month (based on very quick google research).
Basically, a kid who was drafted with the last pick of the draft, knowing that he lives in a high-tax, progressive welfare state and that he's a major injury away from never making NFL megabucks, is being fiscally responsible.
Brock Purdy for president.
Paige Spiranac: threw out a first pitch; saved the Brewers' season.
Back on June 16th, 2023, the Brewers had lost six straight games, they had fallen out of first place, their record now a mediocre 34 wins and 34 losses. The team was rudderless, and their season appeared destined to end with disappointment.
Enter Paige Spiranac.
To the delight of all in attendance, it was Paige Spiranac bobblehead night. It was that night that Paige threw out the first pitch, a perfect strike, and saved the Brewers season.
The Brewers won on Paige Spiranac bobblehead night, rolling off five wins in their next seven contests and the winning didn't stop there - the team finished the season 58-36, easily walking away with the division crown.
That's just data driven analytics, folks, , , Paige and her bobbles changed the course of a baseball season.
Sadly, the Brewers were eliminated from the playoffs last night - which begs the question why didn't they invite her back? Are they fucking crazy? You do NOT mess with good juju like that. She should've been paid to attend every game the rest of the season! They deserved to lose. Everyone in the organization should be fired. The team should be disbanded.
This girl is a competitive college swimmer? With those? They seem like they would generate quite a bit of drag in the water. Like wearing two life vests. They seem like huge competitive disadvantages. . . but they are quite nice.
Good for her. I'm rooting for her, despite the very off-putting spelling of 'Andreea".
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: lololol, yup, that's Kayla Simmons showing off cleavage and curves in a see-through outfit. This was a very literal BSO headline.
Very Important Meme of the Week
This week's winner comes to us from @magills_ for this doozie, dunking on New York Congressman, Jamaal Bowman, who said he pulled a fire alarm because he thought it would open a door.
Wild how that story only happened last Saturday and it might as well have happened two years ago, given how quickly news cycles shift these days.
This very good meme captures the stupidity of Bowman's excuse, pairing a classic meme template with Bowman and glasses from Bubbles, a character from Trailer Park Boys. Very funny. Made me laugh. Good work, @magills_.
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