With the news of Senator Dianne Feinstein's death, Gavin Newsom was burdened with the task of naming the replacement to California’s longest serving womxn senator. In the time between the announcement of her death and Gavin's Uber arriving to take him to the French Laundry, Newsom conducted a far-ranging search for her replacement. By far ranging, we mean he selected Maryland resident Laphonza Butler.
In light of this revelation and forgetting to hit publish on a draft of this article on Friday, I believe that the following individuals were superior options:
Who better to serve as Senator than actual British Royalty? Before you answer “everyone” consider how angry this will make the British, especially Piers Morgan. It doesn’t sound so bad anymore, does it?
Of course, the Senate is where deals are made on the important issues of the day. That’s why we were keen on the woman who held the number 24 briefcase on Deal or No Deal. Meghan’s ability to deliver cash in a briefcase would have come in handy and would have earned strong support from Senator Bob Menendez.
Politics is not a beauty contest though, what matters is what a politician can bring to the table. Meghan, for all her talents, brings relatively little.
But there is one woman who has served in the House for years and who has ample political assets. I present to you the Current House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy has years of experience in the House, serving a state with a massive dairy industry. So much so that people call her Madam Mommy Milkers. At a spry 83 years old, she is a spring chicken compared to many of her senate brethren. Alas, this is a missed opportunity for the state of California to elevate a woman with ample talents to Senate.
We are not above abusing Search Engine Optimization, but no, not even California deserves that.
However, there is no doubting Kim K has a particular set of skills that completely align with the values of California's Democrat run government. California is very screwed up and, well, may as well appoint someone well versed in screwing.
Gavin Newsome promised to appoint an African American woman to the Senate during a recent episode of Meet the Press. While it is possible that he may make an exception for someone as respected as Nancy Pelosi, there was a better alternative waiting in the wings. Born and raised in Benoni, South Africa, Theron would have been the first African American woman to serve in the Senate since Vice President Kamala Harris.
Having played a deranged serial killer in Monster, Theron has the practical training necessary to work well within the senate. Through her portrayal of a mentally retarded female in Arrested Development, she proved she knows how to work on the level of John Fetterman.
Any actual resident of the state of California
Call us crazy, but if you have to scrub your home state of Maryland from your current bio while accepting the gig as California Senator, maybe somebody else should do the job. Grab a phone book for Frenso and pick a random name and they could do it better. Actually, if we could do that for the whole of the Senate, we might be on to something.