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Very Important T.I.T.S.!
According to the article, this Perky-Paraguayan-Paddler, who lives in the US and swam collegiately for SMU, competed in the women's 100m butterfly heats for Paraguay, but failed to qualify for the semi-finals of that event. She then immediately retired from swimming, posting on Instagram that she was 'very emotional' because it was her 'last race' and that she was 'retiring from swimming.'
Alonso, who has the Olympic rings tattooed next to her HOO-HAH, planned to stay with Team Paraguay during the remainder of the Olympics. However, she was allegedly sent back to the US after choosing to abscond from the Olympic Village and spend a day out at Disneyland Paris rather than root on her teammates.
This gal may have been born in Asunción, but she has clearly been socialized in the Zoomer-American tradition of being historically and culturally illiterate and refusing to accept responsibility for one's own selfish actions. Look, it sucks to lose a race that you trained your whole life for, and it would be rough to stay in Paris and never get a chance to see the sites that La Ville Lumière has to offer - but if you make an Olympic team, you are there to represent your country and support your countrymen in any way you can. You shouldn't be a distraction. You shouldn't go to Disneyland to take eGirl Sports Influencer photos for Instagram!
This is a good lesson for kids (everyone, really), if anyone would choose to listen. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. Sometimes, you're not the main character. Sometimes, your role is to support those around you. Sometimes, you have to make personal sacrifices for the betterment of the whole. And, in the event you fuck up, your first instinct should not be to point the finger elsewhere and compare public shaming to the type of punishment endured by women in North Korea (bad, bad, things). For fuck's sake, grow up.
She is undeniably cute though, right? Insufferably vapid, but cute. Just saying.
Leave it to the Europeans to start their own 'sex championships'. According to my research (for journalistic purposes), the Swedes invented their own regulated competitive sex league that pitted individuals from 16 countries from around the world in contests of the flesh. This was sanctioned by the official Swedish Sports Confederation! There were judges! They evaluated contestants in 16 different disciplines, ranging from seduction and foreplay to oral sex, stamina, appearance of one's genitalia and creativity while porking one another.
Europeans are fucking gross, that much is known. These are the people who invented doing butt stuff to each other (looking at you, Greece). They're countries full of degenerates who lash out because they wish they were America. Too bad for them. Beyond the inherent depravity of being European, this 'contest' they concocted makes no sense.
Almost all of the alleged 'disciplines' are subjective and cannot be judged by any legitimate evaluation standards. How does one evaluate a participant's powers of "seduction", when all the parties involved are weird sex freaks who showed up intent on being plowed by or plowing random strangers? How can you compare a man's skill with his mouth up against a woman's? Those are two VERY different skill sets! By what objective metric can you determine which position from the Kama Sutra is more complex and/or beautiful than another? This was no true sport; this was just a hedonistic gang bang with a theme.
Now, I don't blame the 2024 Euro Sex Champion for embracing her title. It's not her fault she was tricked into this farce. I applaud her for spending her winnings on new breasts; investing in herself and her craft. This woman looks like . . . well, she looks exactly like what I would've expected a Croatian Euro Sex Champion would look like if I knew such a thing existed 5 minutes ago. Unfortunately for her, I must officially strip this "sport" from any accreditation it may have once received, making her 2024 Euro Sex Championship crown null and void.
I can do that. I blog on the internet. Fuck you, Sweden.
The Sun: Demi Moore says ‘no shame in farting’; launches fart campaign
You know, I felt bad about dragging Demi Moore into my historiography of female pubic grooming habits in last week's blog (which was fantastic, please go read it). I've always liked Demi Moore! She's gorgeous! One of the most beautiful women of her era! She's a good woman, who has stuck by Bruce Willis through his battle with early-onset dementia. I just needed to provide an example of what I meant when I said that women used to have "untamed, overgrown, and unweeded thatches of thigh cover that often include flora invasive to the bunghole region". Search "Demi Moore Bush" (at your own risk) and you'll understand why this was necessary to use as an example.
Then, while my conscious remained burdened by a bit of Demi Moore gooch-exposing-guilt, I opened up the ole internet and learned that she was trying to normalize farting. And now I feel less bad.
Yes, Demi, we all know that there is 'no shame in farting', it's a biological activity in which all humans partake. Everyone needs to release a bit of wind now and then. That being said, we SHOULD NOT normalize ripping ass! Our standards for common decency have already been dangerously eroded. Too many people have embraced slovenly behavior - men wearing Crocs, people wearing pajamas on airplanes, adults unironically using terms like 'rizz' - it's all fucking disgusting. To homogenize public flatulence into our standards of acceptable behavior would eviscerate whatever remains of our high-trust society (more on that below).
Listen, Demi, let's not make this difficult, let's just keep the rules for farting the way they have been for most of the past millennia:
Women: do not fart.
Men: do fart and allowable when around the fellas (very funny); or as a VERY RARE cruel prank on their wife (a Dutch oven, very funny, but mean).
Old People Fart Rule: allowable if unintentional and uncontrollable while walking; funny and kind of endearing.
Home Fart Rule: if you have to fart, excuse yourself to the bathroom.
Public Fart Rule: if you have to fart in public, excuse yourself to a secluded location before releasing any noxious fumes.
Fart Punishment Rule: if you are revealed as a public-poofer, people are entitled to look at you with disgust and judge you as fucking gross.
*Addendum No. 1 - people with gastrointestinal diseases or disorders.
**Addendum No. 2 - playing the "pull my finger" gag.
***Addendum No. 3 - if you're alone, let it rip.
There you go. Very simple. No normalization of flatulence needed. Society saved.
Moving on.
Very Important Uhhhhhhhhh . . . D.I.C.K.S.?
Editor's Note: In effort to satisfy our Black Rock ESG diversity requirements, the following is a guest blogging section from long-time Flappr contributor, Vanessa, who has inserted this DICK in between the TITS (both coincidental acronyms).
In lieu of publishing the flagship issue of the Decidedly Interesting Contemporary Knowledge Series (coincidental acronym), I have been asked to guest write a brief recap of the Olympic games. Last Saturday, Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati of France made waves on the interwebs with his impressive attempt at 5.70m. The attempt was impressive not because he cleared the bar, but because he didn’t. In a moment where just the tip does make a difference, Anthony’s manhood clipped the crossbar at the last second and ruined his chances at winning a medal in the Olympics.
Sacrébleu! Imagine the entire world learning that you have a giant schlong only because you cock-blocked yourself from Olympic gold. Poor guy.
Despite Anthony’s baby arm appendage, dudes everywhere are feeling pretty good about their chances at pole vaulting. A size that was previously thought of as normal or even inadequate, is now seen as an advantage. Sure, maybe your boyfriend or husband needs a little more motion in that ocean because his boat is a dinghy--but at least his crotch can confidently clear the crossbar in a pole-vaulting event. Shout your averageness, fellas!
Times they are a-changin’. Men competing in women’s sporting events is becoming more and more commonplace. And while sometimes it may be difficult to tell exactly who or what you are competing against, one thing has been made abundantly clear: There’s not enough sports tape in the world that could tuck that French baguette down far enough for that guy to compete as a woman.
Good for you, Anthony.
PS—Did I actually see you say that women don’t fart? Are you kidding?? I can assure you that’s not the case. A slow but unwavering whale mating call emanates from under the covers every morning in my bedroom. (Editor's Note: Disgusting)
Regular News!
I'm sure Barack Obama ran the numbers and somehow came to the conclusion that Walz gives Kamala the best chance to win in November . . . but this pick makes little sense to me. Tim fucking Walz?! The fuck?
Point blank - Kamala needs Pennsylvania to win this election. Based on current polling trends, if Trump wins the Keystone State, he gets to 270 without having to win any of WI, MI, AZ, or NV (he currently leads in all these states, for what it's worth). Josh Shapiro is the Governor of Pennsylvania! A recent Quinnipiac poll had his job approval rating at 59%! I generally don't think that VP choices have that much of an effect on the outcome of elections, but a very popular governor from the state you need to avoid losing seems like a no-brainer!? No?
But it wasn't a no brainer, because Shapiro is a JEWWW and the Hamas wing of the Democrat party (which also happens to be the LGBTQ wing, the Green Energy wing, and so on . . .) could not abide a JEWWW who volunteered for the IDF during his youth and wrote an op-ed in college titled Peace Not Possible, where he argued that "Palestinians will not coexist peacefully." This made Shapiro an untenable choice because the Democrat party has been overrun by literal Marxists who view every decision through the lens of "oppression".
Instead, Kamala Harris chose the forgettable, chubby, bald, white, Governor of Minnesota - a state that has not voted for a Republican for president since 1972. Tim Walz is, by all accounts, Midwestern Gavin Newsom. Last year, Walz signed a bill that made The Land of 10,000 Lakes into a "trans refugee state", where minors of any age can go for "gender-affirming care". He set up a hotline for residents to report neighbors who broke COVID protocols. He's for open borders. He's under 6-foot. Choosing Tim Walz only reinforces Trump's attacks that she's left-wing extremist (which is true).
Oh, and he was the governor during the George Floyd Riots of 2020, where he 'hesitated' to send in the National Guard for a few days, allowing the Twin Cities to burn - along with the livelihoods of several of its residents. During the riots, Walz made sure to chastise those responsible for the death and destruction - you, a person who "does not put equity and inclusion first." By choosing Tim Walz, Kamala Harris has given people a reason to revisit those riots (and her decision to raise money for a bail fund to secure the release of those involved). I'm not sure people will remember that "summer of love" very fondly.
This was a gift to Donald Trump. Thanks, Obama.
The Polls: Trump is probably winning; will win (unless he doesn't)
That's all you need to know. I see too many of you being incapable of handling the slightest bit of discouraging news right now. Stop bed-wetting. It will be fine (unless it's not). Start checking polling data after the DNC two weeks from now.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Redheads – Threat or Menace?; They’re Calling It the ‘Kamala Crash’; and Republicans Dodged a Bullet Today — and Van Jones Tells the Truth About Why!
The one in which Robert Stacy McCain shares the concerns of Van Jones, who said the quiet part out loud:
"As much as losing Pennsylvania in one election would hurt Democrats, how much worse would they be hurt by alienating Jews permanently? So I was honestly startled this morning when it was announced that Harris had picked Walz and, of all people, CNN’s Van Jones shared my feelings:
Republicans are, of course, worried about the election, but we now have a lot less to worry about, thanks to Harris picking Walz."
I covered most of this above, but highly suggest you go read the full thoughts from RSM, who is smarter and a better writer than I am.
David Thompson: Ten Times, You Say
The one where David shares insight on a problem I don't see enough people talking about - the erosion of social trust.
Whether we realize it or not, we live in a high-trust society (or used to at least), where people rely on the honesty, integrity, and decency of their fellow citizens. In high-trust societies, people feel safe and secure, knowing that their needs will be met, their rights will be respected, and violators of that trust will be punished. In other words, it's the kind of place where you can leave your door unlocked while you take out the garbage. Or where you can ask a stranger for directions without being stabbed. It's a society built on trust, respect, and a shared sense of responsibility for the well-being of the community.
The erosion of that trust is slow and insidious (until it's fast and uncontrollable), much like a river wearing away at a riverbank. It begins with small breaches, like someone stealing an Amazon package from outside your door but can quickly escalate into "we don't prosecute theft under $1500" and "it's just property, that shouldn't be a crime at all".
As trust erodes, people become more guarded and less willing to take risks, both in their personal and professional lives. As people lose faith in the institutions that are meant to serve them, they are forced to defend themselves or continue to be victimized - leading to social unrest and conflict (or worse). This is a problem. More specifically, this is a problem that people in power have let become a problem by refusing to fulfill their primary duties - protect the people under their charge. The more high-trust societies continue to erode, the more you will need to find a clerk to unlock the laundry detergent from behind its protective glass. Nobody wants to live this way. You shouldn't have to live this way. Your forebears never lived this way.
Maybe make this one of your issues when you go into your polling station this November. Just a thought.
Odds and ends:
Elon Musk quote-tweeted OG Flappr contributor, @astheworldburnz and then pinned the tweet. Very cool.
Cori Bush, who doesn't understand how taxes work, lost her primary.
Tim Walz abandoned his regiment right before they deployed to Iraq; still touts his military experience, but never saw combat.
Kamala Harris wants to collaborate with popular streamer, Kai Cenat, after Trump went viral with Adin Ross (this is the gayest sentence I've ever written); Kai said no thanks.
Tim Walz didn't need to have his stomach pumped after consuming too much horse semen. Probably. We think.
Noah Rothman at National Review says picking Tim Walz was the first sign of Kamala having a ‘too-online’ campaign. He is right.
Donald Trump calls Kamala Harris "Kamabla" on Truth Social; journos immediately try to decipher this newest racial slur.
Sports! Sports! Sports!
The Bears are on Hard Knocks
The Chicago Bears are the charter franchise of the NFL. They have more Hall of Famers than any other team in the league. They've won a total of 9 league championships (8 Pre-Merger, and 1 Super Bowl). But nearly all of their mystique and excellence occurred before I was born. The nearly 4 decades since the mythic '85 Bears won Super Bowl XX have been ugly. Since firing Mike Ditka in 1992, the Bears are 227-272. They've only made the playoffs seven times during that stretch, including 2 NFC Championship appearances and 1 painful Super Bowl loss to that long-necked cunt in Indianapolis.
Simply put, the Chicago Bears have been an embarrassment, run by somewhat endearing weirdos who can't hold a press conference without being odd.
I was filled with dread when I heard they were going to be on Hard Knocks. I didn't want to see more of how poorly this team operates. I didn't want cocksuckers from Wisconsin to have more fodder with which to craft and hurl painful insults at me. Yes, Wisconsin-in-law #5, I know Caleb Williams wears nail polish and yes, the Packers own me. Thank you and go fuck yourself. Then episode one aired on Tuesday evening and it was good, in every respect. HBO puts on a production like no other studio in existence. Chicago looked beautiful. Halas Hall looked pristine. Most importantly, the show portrayed the 2024 iteration of this team as young, enthusiastic, charismatic, and brimming with talent and interesting human beings.
In one scene, Bears HC, Matt Eberflus, sits down with Nick Saban, who was his coach when Eberflus played Linebacker for Saban at Toledo, and the two discuss how to develop young quarterbacks and leadership. The conversation was riveting television and a great look into why Saban won 7 National Championships - you won't find another human being more confident and comfortable in his own skin:
The show also helped tamp down the idea that Caleb Williams is too much of an eccentric weirdo to lead a team of men. From what I have read and heard since he was drafted, his teammates seem to like him, and the show confirms that. Williams seemed comfortable talking with his veteran teammates on the sidelines during the Hall of Fame Game last weekend. Williams seemed like one of the guys when participating in a sliding drill on a slip-n-slide with just the other QBs. Caleb Williams is a Zoomer weirdo, but so far, he seems adaptable to his surroundings.
Perhaps the thing that surprised me most about watching this episode is how much I liked the coaches and players as people. That's often the best part of this series, but these Bears seem like a particularly wholesome crew. Matt Eberflus came off as a genuine man, trying to navigate the development of a blue-chip QB while also trying to win enough games to avoid being fired. DJ Moore signing a $110 million extension and then returning to practice like it was no big deal was humblemaxxing a good example of why the Bears made that investment. Jonathan Owens, living and dying while watching his wife, Simone Biles, compete for Olympic Gold was real elite Supportive Significant Other ("SSO") type shit.
So, yeah, the Bears on Hard Knocks made me excited to be a fan of this team. They're an easy group to root for. They have talent. They have an easy schedule. I can't wait to see how they're going to break my heart this fall. Many such cases.
Here's a hot take - don't twerk on national TV, at the Olympics, or in public. Don't twerk at all - it's dumb and unattractive. Though if twerk at the Olympics you must, you shouldn't do it after an attempt that wins you the fucking bronze. Perhaps given current exchange rates, bronze equals Canadian gold these days? Something to ponder.
Witnessing this display is upsetting because Ms. Newman looks like a nice London, Ontario girl - the type of woman who, years ago, would've made a terrific SSO to a hockey player or a Tim Horton's spokesmodel or something. Unfortunately, it appears that Ms. Newman fell victim to the World Economic Forum policies of communist dictator, Justin Trudeau, and started an OnlyFans account.
Why else would a beautiful, world-class athlete, resort to selling thirst for up to $150 "loonies" per month to lonely "goonies" aiming to ogle her Pole-Vaulting Poutines? Such behavior, like most things in life, can be explained via economics. Trudeau, a globalist, imported millions of men from India. Those Indians took jobs from Canadians, depressed salaries, and crippled the Canadian Dream for decent, hardworking, natives. This left Newman with only one option - sell thirst to Indian immigrants, who are renowned for being very, very, horny. She starts an OnlyFans account and to promote said account she twerks after winning bronze. A-B-C.
There you have it, Fidel Castro's (possible) hellspawn, Justin Trudeau, is responsible for this woman twerking after winning bronze in Paris. Let's move on.
It brings me no joy to report that the alleged American Sports website, "Outkick Sports", appears to have gone woke - or at least has been overrun by Spanish-Dumper loving communASSts.
Hey, Outkick, go fuck yourselves! Not sure if you heard, but THIS IS AMERICA and BOOBS ARE BACK. The sun has set on the Kardashian era of Titanic Turd Cutters. It was killed by bountiful women like Sydney Sweeney, Paige Spiranac, and, yes Kayla Simmons - who have ushered in the age of the Mammoth Mommy Milkers.
My jaw hit the floor when I read Outkick suggest that two Spunky Spaniards with a beefy set of beach volleyball bottoms could ever unseat Kayla Simmons from her title of World's Sexiest Volleyball Player. Outkick was never qualified to hand out such titles anyways (that's my job) and to imply that these two random Bullfighting Bum-Bums could replace Kayla insults Ms. Simmons's own gluteal assets - which are dynamic in their own right.
We give no quarter to Kayla Simmons slander 'round these parts. As we've previously mentioned, Kayla is currently recovering from a torn ACL and still pumps out elite thirst on Instagram. Simmons is our gritty grinder with gorgeous glands and will remain the WSVP until we, not you, decide otherwise.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
Yeah, that's Olivia Dunne, in front of the Champs-Élysées, and she does appear to be "showing off her flat tummy and things" while wearing a "crop top and miniskirt". This is a standard very literal BSO headline.
As an aside, Livvy looks quite pretty in Paris and I'm glad she's having fun, but part of me wonders . . . is slacking a bit on her SSO duties? I've previously lauded Dunne for being an elite SSO for surprising her boyfriend, Pittsburgh Pirates Flamethrower, Paul Skenes, after he made his first all-star team. I even went so far as to credit her support for being the little extra "oomph" 102 mph fastball.
Perhaps that level of praise was a bit premature? Because while Skenes is trying to carry the Pirates to a wild card, Dunne is in Paris - enjoying the Olympics. I'm sure Skenes does not mind that Dunne is on vacation, enjoying this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I do wonder if part of him wishes she was by his side before his next start.
I am not ready to strip Dunne of her elite SSO status, but this is a trend worth monitoring.
Meme of the Week!
This week's top meme honors go to @HollyBriden for this meme on that adeptly mocks Tim Walz for signing legislation that put feminine hygiene products in little boys' bathrooms. The phrase "Tampon Tim" trended on Twitter for long parts of Tuesday as people started to learn more about Kamala Harris' bald, blubbery, running mate.
Part of what makes this meme so effective is its simplicity and how quickly users can identify and connect the imagery with its message - Walz is a balding man with glasses, just like Mr. Garrison, and Walz is a sick freak, just like Mr. Garrison. If you were on Twitter this week, you instantly knew what it meant.
Now, some of you may question WHYYYY a governor would sign a bill that calls for putting tampons in little boys' bathrooms and I share your puzzlement. It doesn't make much sense, does it? Men do not have uterine linings, which cannot be shed, lead to bleeding, and require the use of a tampon. My best guess is that Walz signed this law, with its purposeful, gender neutral, language for the same reason he signed legislation turning Minnesota into a "trans refuge state" - he's a gay, race, communist that does whatever the Marxists tell him to do:
So yeah, not great. Let's hope people will cut through the vibes and the bullshit and learn what Walz and Harris are all about - literal Marxism. If not, then we're all in for four years of overton-window-shifting pain.
I reached out to @HollyBriden for her reaction to winning this week's award and here is what she shared with me for publication:
So true, queen, so true.
I don't care what anyone says -- you are not a smut blog.
You are Main Steam Media.
Come for the tittilation, stay for the vocabulary lessons, NFL insight and packer hatred.
Like the crossover articles or guest writers. Whatever you call it. Have a good weekend.
Penny was here