The 2025 Milkers Of The Year Awards
- bartleby
- 3 days ago
- 21 min read
JUMP TO SECTION
| CMOTY DIVISION | MTAM DIVISION |
Folks, it’s that time of year again. Time for our annual Jubilee of Jugs, where we Marvel at the Mightiest of Melons, Tout the Titans of Titillation, Recognize Rod-Raising Royalty, and Crown the most Captivating of Cannons.
It’s the 2025 Milkers of the Year Awards, and this year feels . . . different.
In 2024, we celebrated the victories of the Round Mound Revolution.
Bosoms won. We won.
After years of siege, strategic marginalization, and outright hostility from the CommunASSts, mammaries reclaimed lost ground and breasts, bosoms, and boobies returned to prominence.
Hills were taken. Banners were raised. Fabric stretched freely once again.
The return of Mammoth Milk Fountains to the rightful place atop the altar of beauty proved that femininity, optimism, and unapologetic abundance are universal truths and embedded in the core of the human condition. And while the Great Culture War of the new millennium remains active, the victories we claimed were substantive and real.
And so were the consequences.
Winning didn’t bring peace; it brought weight, and not the fun kind that strains bra straps, but the kind that settles in once the cheering stops. Because when bosoms rose to the top, not everyone rose equally. Old alliances grew strained. New jealousies flared. Differed interests, differed appetites, differed understandings of victory began pulling us in opposite directions. Keeping the Calcium Coalition coalesced has proved more challenging than storming the hill in the first place.
Now is not the time for niggles (it means COMPLAINTS!) over nipple aesthetics or skirmishes over the scruples of silicone and saline. We, the Breast Men of the West, must remember who our true enemies are. The CommunASSts threat was not extinguished in 2024. It waits patiently for distraction, for division, for us to turn away from our beloved Decadent Dairy Dumplings and train our weapons inward, while their affinity for apple bottoms quietly slips back into relevance.
We cannot let that happen.
Aim not at your Bust-Besotted Brethren, but at the Dumper-Loving Devotees. For when the moment of judgment arrives, who better to have at your side than an ally devoted to Awe-Inspiring Aoogahs? Steel yourselves. Fill your chalices with the finest of dairy and raise them together in Bosom-Loving Brotherhood.
The battles have been won; the work to maintain the reign is now.
Welcome, friends, to the 2025 Milkers of the Year Awards.
JUMP TO SECTION
| CMOTY DIVISION | MTAM DIVISION |
Mommy Milky Division
Past Winners: Nancy Mace (2023 and 2024), Lara Logan (2022)
Winner: Karoline Leavitt
Mommy Milkies are mammaries in their highest and most demanding form -functional, life-giving, and civilization-sustaining. Given their importance, it should come as no shock that the Mommy Milky Division is the flagship division of these awards. The MM conference is the SEC of the Milker ecosystem. This is where blue-chip prospects go to be stress-tested, where pretenders are exposed, and where champions are forged under pressure.
Which brings us to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Leavitt made her inaugural MOTY appearance, earning Honorable Mention in the Rookie of the Year Division. In 2025, she didn’t just take the next step. She took the crown. At the mere age of 28, Leavitt secured an appointment from Donald Trump and assumed one of the most demanding roles in American politics. This job demands insane hours, to lie with a smile on your face, and the ability to stand toe-to-toe with bad-faith journalists dead-set on kneecapping the Trump administration and ushering in a return to Marxist Asscentricity. She didn’t just survive her first year; she thrived, outmaneuvering the media with preparation, discipline, a clear grasp of the facts, and her Pillowy Pyramids of Persuasion.
Standing at the lectern, Leavitt and her Nourishing New Hampshire Num Nums are often cloaked in sharp, form-fitting dresses and suits, projecting a level of beauty and competence that stands in stark contrast to the rambling, asexual mess that preceded her. In December, she announced she was pregnant with her second child, signaling a return of her Baby-Feeding Beacons of Hope and reminding the culture that you can have children before 35 years old and not ruin your "career".
Karoline Leavitt has been more than we could've hoped for, perhaps more than we deserve, and she's our 2025 Mommy Milky Champion.
Mommy Milky Honorable Mention: Olivia Culpo, Nancy Mace
Nancy Mace
As the back-to-back reigning champion of the Mommy Milky Division in 2023 and 2024, Nancy Mace seemed like a lock to win this division a third straight time and challenge for her first Breast in Show title. Instead, she finds herself dethroned from the division that once rested atop her Prolific Palmetto-State-Pontoons.
The problem wasn’t collapse or lack of effort. Mace exemplified Dairy Decadence throughout the year, including a multi-day string of workout videos posted to Instagram and a road trip back to Washington, D.C., dressed only in her pajamas. Moreover, "Nancy Mace Boobs" still ranks among the top milker-related Google search terms, solidifying this truth: the Macey Milker Effect remains potent.
No, the problem for Mace in 2025 was overexposure. Too self-aware. Too online. A bit too much drama off the field and too much Jarvis. The mystique took a hit as her social media feed filled up with clapbacks, memes, and self-referential posts that chipped away at what made her unique. A Mommy Milky champion doesn’t reply on X. She presides. She lets the presence of her Lowcountry Love Launchers do the talking. Mace still looks the part and still has the fighting spirit of a contender, but tried too hard to capture a third MM division crown.
We look forward to seeing if Mace, now running for Governor, can transform her Colossal Congressional Casabas into Grand Gubernatorial Gobsmackers during her 2026 comeback tour.
Olivia Culpo
In 2023, shortly after getting engaged to 49ers star running back Christian McCaffrey, Culpo said in a social media post that "I feel like the day after my wedding I'm just gonna rip out my IUD and start trying (to have his babies)," And then this former Miss Rhode Island, Miss USA, and Miss Universe did exactly that. Culpo and McCaffrey tied the knot in June 2024. In March of 2025, she announced they were expecting their first child together and then gave birth to a beautiful little girl last July.
"I can't wait to marry you, fuck your brains out, and have your babies" has to be the sexiest thing a woman can say. That Culpo and her Baby Feeding Beacons of Hope followed through is even more sexy and, in some ways, an act of defiance in our post-modern world. Christian McCaffrey, who wed, bed, and bred this woman, is a very lucky man. Western civilization thanks them for their efforts.
Dishonorable Mention: Katy Perry
Katy Perry, bestowed with some of the most prodigious Pop Star Pontoons ever seen, disgraced herself in 2025 after announcing she had begun dating deposed dictator Justin Trudeau. We always knew Perry had politics to the left of Fidel Castro, but we never thought she'd start dating his son! The result is a fall from grace that feels deeply unfortunate: a woman blessed with legendary milkers paired with a CommunASSt Canuck who must gag at the sight of such Glandular Glory (also because he's possibly a homosexual).
For shame, Katy. Your ancestors weep.
Rookie of the Year
Past Rookie of the Year Winners: Oilers Flasher Girl (Kait Flynn) (2024); Tiffany Gomas (TMFINR) (2023)
Winner: Natalie Winters
Natalie Winters didn't tiptoe into 2025; she strutted up to the doors of the White House press briefing room and kicked the door off its hinges. On her very first day as a correspondent, Winters shared a photo of herself in a white skirt, black top, and sneakers. She became the focal point of attacks on “etiquette” and “MAGA journalism” from the same people who tongue-lapped Joe Biden's wrinkly, dementia-riddled, ball sack for four-years. Yes, the “real journalists” who ignored Biden's clear diminishing mental state did find time to cover Winter's wardrobe.
The rise of this 24-year-old, Camisole-Filling-Californian, hasn’t just been about breaking stories; it’s been about breaking molds, redefining what a White House correspondent can look like, and laughing at the outrage along the way. When the National Press Club, the century-old group of D.C. journos who have overseen their own demise, declined her membership application, Winters wore it as a badge of honor. When asked how it felt to have “colleagues” suggest that she doesn't belong because she's “not a real journalist”, Winters replied, “[t]o all those people who are apoplectic over having new media voices, you guys failed, and that’s why we’re here.”
Yowza.
We hope that Winters continues to wear outfits that she enjoys and that highlight her Jaunty Journalistic Jaw-Droppers. She has been a breath of fresh air and could be the face of a new generation of young, unapologetic, confident, and brash reporters that sit defiantly outside the legacy media’s bubble of bias . . . you know, how journalism is supposed to work.
ROTY Honorable Mentions: Marissa Ayers, Harley Fowler
Marissa Ayers
Following in Sydney Thomas’ milkprints, Marissa Ayers burst upon the scene as the breakout ring girl of the season during Anthony Joshua's pummeling of Jake Paul on Netflix. Bleached blonde locks, sparkling blue eyes, and Ravishing Ringside Ribcushions made Ayers an overnight sensation. Yet it is her new relationship with Giants quarterback Jaxon Dart that gives us hope that she will cement her place in the culture as an elite NFL WAG.
Given Ayers' social-media savvy and her Breathtaking Bolt-ons, she seems destined to become a household name in 2026.
Harley Fowler
On the field, Georgia was blowing out Texas 35-10, but in the stands, a Buxom-Bulldog-Loving-Brunette was blowing minds with her Bewitching Bazookas Bursting out of her low-cut black jumper. ESPN's cameras caught Fowler cheering on the Dawgs with a red pom-pom, and within minutes, clips began circulating across X, igniting a worldwide search to identify her. Social-media sleuths quickly located her TikTok, and a new viral "it-girl" was born.
Fowler has gained nearly 40,000 followers on TikTok since the clip went viral, and those three seconds on national TV have since become a celebration of college football and milker culture alike.
IBTC Division
Past IBTC Presidents: Megyn Kelly (2024); Anna Paulina Luna (2023), Tulsi Gabbard (2022)
2025 IBTC President: Sophie Cunningham
The choice for this year's IBTC President was an easy one. No woman better represented Petite Patriot Pokies than this Maverick Missourian with Modest Mirabelles. Sophie Cunningham was the lo-key right-wing (?) face of small-breasted women in 2025 - strong, fearless, toned, gorgeous, confident, and defiant.
Her championship run started during the WNBA season when she came to the defense of her similarly small-chested teammate, Caitlin Clark, throwing herself into a fist-flying fracas against what I suspect were giant, breast-hating lesbians. That act of bravery, all posture and without apology, launched Cunningham from role player to recurring viral presence almost overnight.
But Cunningham was just getting started.
In the summer of 2025, throwing green dildos onto WNBA courts became a fashion. Cunningham herself was clipped by a plastic phallus during a game in LA, and rather than melt down, she laughed it off, joking that fans might want to resist launching long latex love logs, lest they injure one of the players. That kind of humility is rare and desperately needed, in sports and in the country writ large. If the WNBA hopes to extend its moment of cultural relevance, it would be wise to cultivate cute, charismatic, competitive, conservative-leaning court dwellers like Ms. Cunningham (rather than giant, breast-hating lesbians).
Sadly, Cunningham's season was cut short after she tore her MCL battling for a ball against, what I suspect was a giant, breast-hating, lesbian. Undeterred, Sophie started a podcast and turned to social media, posting content about her recovery and elite thirst traps of her Succulent-Sized Saucers.
Why? Probably boredom. But also probably because that’s what champions do.
Sophie Cunningham, 2025 IBTC President, we speak your name.
IBTC Honorable Mentions: Katie Miller, Margaret Qualley, Ann Michael Maye
Katie Miller
Katie Miller earns a spot of distinction for standing firm beside her husband, United States Homeland Security Advisor and the Duke of Deportations, Stephen Miller. Katie is as ride or die as they come, defending her husband through every smear cycle, media pile-on, and threat that comes his way. This mother of three started a podcast last year where she unloads on lying libtards while looking lovely with her lilliputian lactoids.
Katie's modest maraschinos appear perfect for Stephen, who appears absorbed by his admirable autistic quest to deport as many illegals as possible. A man on such a mission cannot suffer from the distraction posed by Mammoth Milk Wagons, making Katie's Bijou Blossoms an ideal fit. Thank you, Katie, for your service to this great nation.
Margaret Qualley
A naturally small-chested woman, Qualley willingly strapped on prosthetic pontoons to play a younger, more voluminously vesseled version of Demi Moore in 2025's The Substance. Margaret understood the assignment; she swallowed her pride and leaned into the physical transformation required to make the story work. In a culture obsessed with "body positivity," this Montana native, with model good looks, chose professionalism, embracing the moment and giving the audience what they wanted. That kind of confidence and dedication to one's craft deserves your respect and our honorable mention.
Ann Michael Maye
The supportive significant other to Patriots quarterback Drake Maye has become an internet darling during his breakout season. Over Christmas, Ann became a social media sensation after she started a TikTok video series where she baked something every day leading up to Christmas. The videos were very wholesome, and the internet has fallen in love with this North Carolinian and her Cozy Cardigan Cupcakes. "Bakemas" became so popular that Mrs. Maye has been hired to host her own baking show on local Boston TV, giving this blue-eyed beauty with Itty-Bitty BonBons the chance to catapult herself into an elite-class of NFL WAGs.
Dishonorable Mention: Megyn Kelly
The 2024 IBTC President entered the year in a position of strength. She had a unique voice, a microphone, and our attention, but squandered them due to a bad case of Podcast Brain, a condition whereby one becomes consumed by podcast-universe drama, half-baked theories, and conspiratorial rabbit holes. Podcast Brain was the leading source of cringe in 2025 and claimed Megyn among its victims.
You're only supposed to take one red pill, Megyn. Not the whole bottle.
More disappointing still, Kelly turned her fire inward and sewed discord among our ranks, aiming at Sydney Sweeney, the reigning 2024 Milkers of the Year Champion. In October, Kelly publicly criticized a sheer red-carpet dress worn by Sweeney that dared to highlight her Golden-Ratio Globes, saying it was too risque, showed "areola", and called it a "rare misstep".
As if attacking a fellow champion wasn't bad enough, Kelly took things further, blasphemously comparing Sweeney's outfit to the recently deposed Despot of Dumpers, Kim Kardashian. This was nearly unforgivable. MOTY winners are meant to defend the flank, not collapse it from within. Stewardship, not scolding. In 2025, Megyn lost her focus, and we hope she finds it again soon.
Most Talked About Milkers (MTAM) Division
Past Champions: Sydney Sweeney (2024), Lauren Boebert (2023), Nancy Pelosi (2022)
Winner: Sydney Sweeney
Simply put, no Marvelous Mounds of Renown generated more discussion or demanded more attention than Sydney Sweeney’s Bewitching Button-Busters in 2025. This wasn’t just an impressive performance; it redefined the game. It proved that bosoms can dominate more than pop culture, but society itself. What many of us had already known (and vociferously evangelized) for years didn’t merely hit the mainstream; it engulfed it.
In 2025, Sydney Sweeney became inevitable.
The first signal came in May, when Sweeney announced she would be selling, through Dr. Squatch, a limited-edition bar of soap called Sydney’s Bathwater Bliss, which included a touch of her actual bathwater. Limited to just 5,000 bars, the soap sold out immediately, crashed the website, and became a cultural reference point for the remainder of the year. This Novelty Soap with Notes of Nipple was such a marketing masterclass that Unilever acquired Dr. Squatch a month later. Some of those who failed to secure this artifact of history still have not emotionally recovered. (Seriously, Dr. Squatch, how did Flappr not get a promotional sample to review? What the fuck?)
Then came July, and with it the infamous American Eagle campaign that broke the internet and brains of seemingly everyone left of center. The concept of the ad was quite simple: sexy-ass Sydney Sweeney wearing jeans and a punny tagline, “Sydney Sweeney Has Great Jeans.” That was it. Just dungarees and a beautiful biological blonde with Daunting Denim Domes.
Within minutes, however, many concluded this was Nazism. Not metaphorical Nazism. Literal Nazism. An actual adult published a blog post titled “Sydney Sweeney Is a Nazi” because, don't you see, the jeans/genes pun is “a dog whistle for white supremacy," and admiring a beautiful white woman in denim is adjacent to eugenics, fascism, and the collapse of democracy.
Media critics weighed in. Professors of Women’s Studies materialized from the ether to warn us about the implications of big-breasted women wearing bell-bottoms. The Left demanded Sweeney apologize and disavow the ad, which, even if interpreted as Sweeney enjoying the fact that she is white, blue-eyed, and gorgeous, was never objectionable to begin with. And this didn’t last a weekend. It dragged on for fucking months.
Yet this Sweater-Stretching Star of the Silver Screen refused to bend the knee, so the vile ComunASSts escalated their attacks.
Pond scum journos at ABC and The Guardian pulled her voter registration and revealed that she was **gasp** a Republican. The assumption here is that being a registered Republican was, in and of itself, shameful and cancelable. When Donald Trump learned of this news, he posted "Sydney Sweeney, a registered Republican, has the HOTTEST ad out there. . . Go get ‘em Sydney!" on Truth Social, because . . . of course he did. This only made them angrier.
Things hit their fever pitch in August after Sweeney gave an interview to GQ. There she sat across from a smug liberal white woman who attempted to bait her with statements like “white people shouldn’t joke about genetic superiority” and “there’s a chance somebody will get some idea about what you think about certain issues… do you worry about that?" Accusations disguised as questions that were designed to force public repentance for her great sin against the church of woke.
Many would've forgiven Sweeney had she taken the safe, PR preferred, path and provided a hollow apology, but she didn't. She said "no" and declined to perform the ritual. In fact, she said "no" with a look of disgust, and Sweeney's calm, confident, steely glare towards the frumpy, self-satisfied interviewer became a rallying cry for people exhausted by woke scolding AWFLs.
Screenshots from that interview became some of the defining memes of 2025 and continue to maintain relevance well into 2026.
As if her dominance needed a closing argument, Sweeney delivered one in late August, stepping onto the red carpet at the Venice Film Festival in a sheer, silver, crystal-embellished gown and instantly launching an entire news cycle over her areolas. A single appearance reset the cultural conversation yet again. Headlines oscillated between breathless praise and pearl-clutching, while engagement numbers spiked exactly as they always do whenever Sydney Sweeney and her Spokane Spillovers enter the frame.
The point is, people could not, and still cannot, stop talking or posting about her culture-defining curves. To say she had the Most Talked About Milkers of 2025 is a gross understatement.
She has the Most Talked About Milkers of the internet era.
MTAM Honorable Mentions: Lauren Sanchez; Rachel Brosnahan
Lauren Sanchez
Lauren Sanchez walked into frame during the inauguration wearing a sculpted white sport coat and bustier combo that put her Man-Made Mexican Maracas front and center. The effect was immediate. Noted nerd and potential Lizard-Human skin-walker, Mark Zuckerberg, caught a glimpse of Sanchez and reacted like a real boy - he stared right down Lauren's Silicone Valley (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes).
The clip spread, memes exploded, Sanchez’s Dairy Décolletage became the first truly memorable mammary moment of 2025, and Mark Zuckerberg felt what it was like to be human for the first time.
Rachel Brosnahan
Brosnahan introduced herself to the world this year after starring as Lois Lane in the latest reboot of Superman, which premiered over the summer. But Brosnahan’s Superman press run wasn’t just a publicity tour; it was a coming-out party of sorts, and Rachel didn’t dim her headlights. She embraced her Heroine Highbeams, stepping onto red carpets in gowns that were confident, sculpted, and underscored her Daily Planets (that's a Superman joke).
For many, it was the first time they learned the name Rachel Brosnahan, and her performance in the latest attempt to reboot the Man of Steel proved to be anything but kryptonite to her new fans. This Actress from America's Dairyland with Unpasteurized Umlauts is definitely one to watch in the upcoming years. Make no mistake, Rachel and her BrosnaCans have mammoth potential.
Comeback Milkers Of The Year (CMOTY)
Past Winners: Kate Upton (2024)
Winner: Anne Hathaway
Something strange happened in 2025: people remembered or finally realized that Anne Hathaway is a beautiful woman. There was no identifiable catalyst for this phenomenon, as she didn't star in any new movies in 2025, and he most recent roles haven't made the type of impact to garner new attention to her career. It is as if someone stumbled upon a photo of her from 2005, posted it on social media, and then, collectively, and suddenly, everyone decided "Anne Hathaway is gorgeous, actually," and then photos of her started appearing everywhere.
I think I saw more appreciation of Anne Hathaway in the final months of 2025 than I had in the decade prior. Post after post, generating thousands of likes and millions of views. I'm actually a little worried that this may have been a psyop, and it worked to perfection.
Regardless, it's kind of maddening in a way, as this porcelain-skinned, doe-eyed, New Yorker with Nature Given Neptunes, has always been uniquely beautiful in a Snow White kind of way. I suspect much of the disrespect given to Hathaway comes from 2013, during her pursuit of an Oscar for Les Misérables. While Hathaway did take home her first Academy Award for the role, she came across as ambitious, contrived, and maddeningly cheerful.
While true, this never changed the fact that Hathaway has always been a true specimen with Irish-American Eye-Catchers, as research into films such as Love and Other Drugs, Havoc, and One Day will confirm for you. Brokeback Mountain includes such findings as well, but it's best to ignore that one for obvious reasons (gay). Regardless, it's nice that people saw the light here.
Anne Hathaway, 2025 Comeback Milkers of the Year, who'd a thunk it?
Honorable Mention: Malin Akerman, Margot Robbie
Malin Akerman
Akerman, a veteran actress, probably most known for her turn as Silk Spectre II in the 2009 film Watchmen, showed up on Netflix in 2025, starring alongside Brittany Snow in The Huntington Wives, a black-comedy thriller that was among the most-streamed shows of the year. The show itself was pretty dumb and bad and had a pretty predictable portrayal of conservatives, but Akerman makes it watchable by putting on an admirable performance and getting nude a crazy number of times. Like every episode, she's banging someone new. She was almost too naked, to be honest. I can't even remember what the show was about.
Yes, this Stockholm native put on a proverbial Smörgåsbord of Supple Saffransbullars and reminded everyone that she has never been afraid of showing them off on screen. Like when she was on the show Billions, or in the movie The Heartbreak Kid, or when she showed off her Seductive Swedish Sliders in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.
Yes, I remember all of these scenes, so what? I'm not counting or anything, but she just seems to be comfortable being nude on screen.
I just have a photographic recollection of some movies, big deal! It's not like I have a database cataloging the nude scenes of every actress I've ever watched. You act like having a good memory is some sort of crime.
You're reading this blog, and YOU'RE GONNA JUDGE ME?! Pffffft.
Margot Robbie
The Wolf of Wall Street star has never been known for having particularly large bosoms. That changed in 2025, when this A-Cupped Aussie showed up on the red carpet sporting Crocodile Dun D-Cups. Or big B-Cups or small C-Cups, whatever, the joke was too good to pass up.
Motherhood looks good on Margot Robbie, and seeing her with Nourishment-Filled Nebulas is worthy of celebration. She is glowing, and it is commendable that she put her impressive career on hold to have children with producer husband, Tom Ackeley, a lucky SOB whom I've never heard of before.
Let us hope that they stick Margot's Milk Fountains hang around for a while.
Vintage Milk Vessels Division
Past Winners: Sarah Palin (2024), Martha Stewart (2023)
Winner: Elizabeth Hurley
In her first year of eligibility in the VMW Division (60 and over), Elizabeth Hurley easily takes the crown and could plausibly win this division (and a few others) every single year on baseline excellence alone. This Beautifully Barrel Chested Brit from the crown didn't win based on a singular, culture-freezing moment. The Top Heavy Temptress just kinda posts an absurd amount of photos and videos of herself in various states of dress and undress, looking better than a 60-year-old should.
Yes, the steady glow of Instagram posts of her Tremendous Ts and Crumpets has a habit of finding its way onto other platforms where people marvel at Hurley and become gobsmacked that Austin Powers' fembot wife is now 60-years-old. It's a shame that we don't see more of Hurley on the big screen these days. She's a talented actress, and while I enjoy her seemingly never-ending stream of bikini videos, it appears that she spends most of her days on beaches, yachts, and half-naked in untethered bathrobes. Weirdly, I feel like she's bored, and I wish someone would give her a job.
I had to look up her latest roles, and I can't say I've ever heard of Christmas in the Caribbean (2022), which I assume is the sequel to Christmas in Paradise (which also somehow came out in 2022). Regardless, it's good that Hurley is still working, as she will need to maintain an impressive resume to retain the VMV crown as Salma Hayek turns 60 in 2026, setting up a showdown of Titular Titans.
VMV Honorable Mentions: Jamie Lee Curtis, Christie Brinkley
Jamie Lee Curtis
People forget that the nepo baby of actors Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis wields some of the most Hallowed Hermaphroditic Howitzers in Hollywood (true story). Yes, Curtis is basically a communist and has adopted every destructive cultural fad of her lifetime, but she wasn't monstrous in the wake of Charlie Kirk's murder in front of the entire world, and her contributions to educating young men on the merits of mammaries have been significant.
Case in point, while doing publicity for the sequel to Freaky Friday in August, Jamie Lee Curtis, perhaps inspired by Sydney Sweeney's cultural ascendancy, showed up to an interview wearing a low-cut, cleavage-revealing dress. Clips of the 67-year-old's plunging neckline began circulate social media and introduced a new generation of young men to the fact that JLC has very large breasts.
Bosoms that can still infiltrate and saturate the culture after 67-years are true Vintage Milk Vessels.
Christie Brinkley
The Uptown Girl is now 71 years old, but you wouldn't have guessed it from the photo she posted to Instagram last April. Decades removed from her Sports Illustrated glory, Brinkley posted a photo of herself in a red bikini, lookinglike she woke up and made up her mind (lyrics from the song) to remind everyone that she still looks pretty close to the girl who almost made Clark Griswald drive his entire family into oncoming traffic.
BREAST IN SHOW
THE 2025 MILKERS OF THE YEAR AWARD
Past Champions:
Sydney Sweeney (2024)
Lauren Boebert (2023)
Lara Logan (2022)
Ghislaine Maxwell (2021)
Six division champions . . . only one Breast in Show . . .
***drumroll please***
(click and watch the video)
They are big. They are Milky.
WINNER: Sydney Sweeney's Pendulous Paragons of Patriotism are Flappr's 2025 Milkers of the Year.
Yes, folks, in an outcome that should come as a surprise to literally no one, Sweeney has become our first back-to-back, Breast in Show Champion. In an era where attention spans are measured in nano-seconds, queens get devoured the second the algorithm gets bored. But Sweeney's reign didn’t just survive 2025 — it expanded. From red carpets to movie screens to advertisements for jeans, she continued to be the name on everyone’s lips, the titular topic on our timelines, and the All-Natural-Shoulder Boulders that keep cutting through the noise. When people talk about “star power,” this is what they mean: the ability to snatch your attention and refuse to let you avert your gaze.
And look away, we did not.
In 2025, Sydney Sweeney’s Marxist-Mashing Mommy Milkers were worth more than the GDP of many countries in Africa. American Eagle's stock value rose roughly 60% following the launch of its ad campaign. She starred in The Housemaid, the highest-grossing and most profitable movie of her career. She sold soap that allegedly included some of her bathwater, and Dr. Squatch increased sales by 20%. We learned that she's a more than adequate marksman with a pistol, that she can throw a strike from the mound at Fenway, and sink a 95-footer on the ice at the United Center.
Sustained cultural occupation. Total Dairy Dominance. She has no equal.
Yet, this is not to say 2025 was a cakewalk. Sweeney stands as the altar of all things that communist ass lovers hate. Blonde. Busty. Feminine. Happy. Sydney Sweeney is the All-American Girl, and they spent 2025 trying to tear her to shreds.
First, they photographed her at her home, catching her in a bikini, makeup-less, hair a mess, and relaxing by the pool. They tried to slander her Supple Summits of Superiority by suggesting that they have been "surgically enhanced", forcing Sweeney to deny the accusation. Then they tried to brand her “Midney Sweeney” because she dared to exist as a human being in the privacy of her own backyard.
Then she filmed an advertisement for American Eagleand they thought they had finally found a way to eradicate her presence from the culture. They called her a symbol of white supremacy and eugenics. They pulled her voter registration, revealed she is republican and put a target on her back. They demanded she apologize because "white people shouldn't joke about genetic superiority". They tried every trick in the CommunASSt manifesto to take down our Empress with Enchanting Endowments.
They tried, but Sydney Sweeney didn't apologize, and she didn't quiver.
Instead, she stared down the face of third-wave feminism and global-Marxism and with a look of disgust on her face said "no mas." She laughed off the attacks and continued being a source of joy, beauty, and triumph for all those exhausted by a generation's worth of humorless, soul-crushing, woke scolds.
Our Happy Warrior with Heavenly Hindenburgs suffered the slings and arrows, but kept calm and carried on in 2025 because she knew her reign had only just begun.
In early September, Sweeney stepped onto the red carpet of the Emmys in a red gown reminiscent of a Roman Centurion stepping into battle - a striking, old-Hollywood silhouette that hugged every curve and spotlighted her Sumptuous Sovereign Spheres. Within seconds of her hitting the stage to announce an award, her Bouncing Beacons sent a message to her dissenters: "You will not survive here. You are a CommunASSt. And this is the land of Mikers now." When morning came, others may have taken home the statutes, but Sydney had taken the world.
Then came Variety’s Power of Women event, and with it Sydney Sweeney's silver, shimmering, semi-sheer gown that clung to her Curvaceous Cantaloupes like liquid mercury. Fashion writers tried to demonize it, jealous ugmos tried to moralize it, and the internet broke into a million pieces. This wasn’t a dress meant to be “tasteful.” It was a glamorous, areola-exposing and unapologetically feminine flag pole planted firmly in the faces of the media elites, activists, and AWFLs who spent an entire year trying to destroy her Round Mound Revolution.
Sweeney turned Variety’s Power of Women event into the Women of Power Event. Her dress was a perfectly executed Areola Assault that the world knows that the current regime is ruled by an Warlord, her name is Sydney Sweeney, she has massive boobs, and she's not afraid to use 'em.
Every empire needs a center, every story a heroine, every age a set of world-changing breasts. In ours, Sydney Sweeney's Hegemonic Honeydews stand alone. Sydney Sweeney is not a trend, nor a bump in the road; she is two Magnificent Milky Mountains; she is the horizon.
Congratulations to Sydney Sweeney, Flappr's 2025 Milkers of the Year.