We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news! We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Very Important News!
Suzanne Somers: OG Milker Queen; dead at 77.
A touching tribute. Also, perhaps a "touching" tribute (masturbation joke) for those of you who came of age when Suzanne Somers starred as "Crissy" on Three's Company during the late 1970s.
While I certainly watched reruns of Three's Company as a kid, my introduction to Ms. Somers was her role as Carol Foster-Lambert on Step-by-Step, which was kind of a Brady Bunch rip-off. By then, Somers had embraced her status as a hot mom and dialed back some of the ditzyness she was known for on Three's Company.
Oh, Cody, you dimwitted rapscallion! I forgot all about you!
Somers was pretty a good, if not great, actress for the genre! She was probably underrated for her comedic chops, but properly rated as a very attractive woman.
Sadly, she passed away this week after battling breast cancer. RIP Milker Queen.
Daily Mail: I had an awkward sports bra malfunction in the gym - but trolls say I need to start wearing proper clothes
So, this girl totally staged this video, right?
I mean, it starts with her top open. It's not like she has button busting bosoms. So, she just thought she could farm some SWEEEEEET TikTok engagement by staging a 'gym wardrobe malfunction' that didn't really expose anything. It's not even particularly clever, original or interesting.
Guess what, though? It worked!
She got the Daily Mail to write a fucking whole story about this fairly obvious performance piece. Oh well. Just another day on the internet.
I think this is right? Especially if you're boning after a long day of work? I don't think you need to make a big scene of it . . . just go sneak in a quick shower or find a washcloth to clean the stench off your dick and balls.
That won't kill the mood, but having to endure the miasma of a stinky 'todger' is almost certainly will. I can't imagine enjoying a sexual experience if you know your pecker smells like 8 hours of framing houses.
I'll be honest, the only reason I chose to write about this story is because she referred to a penis as a 'todger'. That's a really funny thing to call a penis.
'Todger' might be one of the only British slang terms that I think might be an improvement upon our own.
*thick cockney accent* 'Oi love, your todger reeks worse than me mum's liverwurst puddin! Mind running a washcloth over the ole twig n' berries to take away the whiff?'
Anyways, wash your dick and balls, fellas.
From the article:
"Now the 24-year-old is living with uterus didelphys. The medical phenomenon means the model could conceive two babies with two different lads at the same time. But she also suffers from two periods as a result of her multiple vaginas."
Uhhhhhh . . . . .
"She said: "We have a rule: one vagina is for work, and the other is for him." Annie met her partner in February and says he's been "incredibly supportive".
The OnlyFans bombshell added: "He's amazing, we're really happy. I didn't tell him about my condition until after we had sex for the first time."
Uhhhhhh . . . . . hmph. Well, so long as this porn actress is saving ONE of her vaginas for her boyfriend, I guess all is well and good.
And how about that? Apparently women can be born with two vaginas?! You learned something today by reading T.I.T.S.! What a time to be alive.
What a fucking headline, which the Daily Star categorized under "body positivity".
So, apparently this is the gross humans edition of T.I.T.S.! Did you hear that cackle after she brapppped right up in his grill? So demonic. So evil. Not funny. Not nice.
Ladies, , , all I'm gonna say is that if you're going to try and do the 'fart on my husband's head' prank, you better be certain of at least two of the following:
he is a degenerate, like James Joyce, and has a disgusting fart fetish;
he is not the type to lay hands on a woman;
he does not hold grudges and will not unleash a much stinkier fart on you while you sleep;
he loves you unconditionally;
he is involved with organized crime and cannot risk divorcing you because he would lose the evidentiary privilege afforded to married couples;'
you can engulf an entire kielbasa without gagging; and/or
your p-game is legendary.
Don't fart on people. Not funny. Not nice.
Hmmm . . . before watching this video, I'm going to guess that his 'reason' to invite three women on a date and 'vet them' together is going to involve group sex.
Yep . . . the framing of the headline gave this one away.
Could this have actually happened? Could a man have been so incredibly cruel and clueless to invite three woman on a date to assess their viability for an orgy? I mean, no, the possibility of this story being true is extremely low.
I know we like to believe men are these wild creatures that roam around looking to plug every hole they can find (with their 'todgers'), but in reality - most men would never behave this monstrously to a woman, let alone three of them and zero men would actually believe this sort of stunt would work. In other words, most are not barbaric to women and no man would have to balls to try and pull this off.
No, our be-trodden heroine here almost certainly made this story up to entertain her near million followers on TikTok.
Listen, I'm sure she's very good at her job.
All I'm saying is that if I was on trial for a murder and I discovered that my attorney had 'turned pole dancing witch" and was dropping Halloween themed ass n' tiddy pics on Instagram . . . I might start to wonder if I should've hired the 'World's 100th hottest lawyer' instead.
As an asside (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes), how would you rate her dumper, Al Pacino from Heat?
Hmm, I don't mean to be a contrarian here, Al Pacino from Heat, but I have to disagree with you on this one. That colossal keister is too big for my taste and looks like it might be teetering on "creates legitimate life challenges" status.
But to each their own.
Less Important News
The Media: was really, really, really bad this week.
The only job we need our 'free and independent press' to perform is to provision us with facts and truths we could not have otherwise obtained but for their reporting.
They have failed miserably at this task for at least the last decade (though, I am starting to suspect they've always been this bad but I was too ignorant to notice).
They especially failed this task this week, while reporting on a "rocket attack by Israel" against a "hospital" in Gaza, killing "five hundred Palestinians". Word of this "attack" sent everyone into a frenzy, setting off more civil unrest within a region already packed to the brim with mfers looking for a reason for kill things.
*It seems that, in reality, two Hamas (not Israeli) fired rockets collided with one another and one of them hit a parking lot (not a hospital), maybe killing, but definitely injuring some people (put almost certainly not killing 500). That's pretty fucking different than what the media reported yesterday!
Just look at these headlines as they evolved through the day:
As I mentioned above, the information coming out is filtered propaganda in one form or another - so maybe, just maybe, you'd think our media would be careful in how they report on human atrocities as claimed by one of the parties to this war? Nope, they just slapped 'Palestinians Say' on their headlines and allowed people to run with a claim made by a terrorist organization. Absolute bozos.
*I am basing this on what was reported Wednesday after the dust, both literally and figuratively, had settled.
Charles C. W. Cooke / NR: The Woke Code of Morality Was All Nonsense
From the article:
"That the group that was affected by this abominable crime was not covered by the censors’ expansive protective superstructure — indeed, that, instead, that superstructure was hastily abandoned — reveals how worthless and self-serving the whole edifice was, and how cynical its designers have been. Had the progenitors of “belonging” been acting in earnest, the moment would have prompted a Dunkirk. Instead, we got a lot of hemming and hawing, followed by a Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact.
We noticed."
Are we in the midst of a massive red-pilling moment for normie Libs?
Maybe, but I have doubts. This negative news cycle will pass and normie Libs will fall back into the comfort of the media confirming what they already know - that they are, of course, always on the Right Side of History™.
Remember, it's always warmer under the dragon's wing.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Monday: Rule 5 Blues; and Anything That Makes Adam Kinzinger Happy Is Objectively Bad for America
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain accurately identifies how Adam Kinzinger's support for the 20 Republicans who voted against Rep. Jim Jordan is probably a good sign that those Republicans are wrong.
From the article:
"The fact that Kinzinger considers the anti-Jordan GOP congressmen to be “brave people” means that they are all knaves and fools. And the fact that Kinzinger hates Jim Jordan means that Jordan must be OK. Make Jim Jordan the next speaker, and make Adam Kinzinger sad."
Simple enough.
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily Failing Joe News
The one in which Animal thoroughly details the current struggles of Joe Biden, who now faces two active wars, an open border, a struggling economy and the fact that he's 80 years old and struggles climbing stairs.
David Thompson: The Word You’re Looking For; and Terrifying Objects
The one in which David shares the story of a "feminist historian and a DEI vice president at a public university in Big Rapids, Michigan" who has expanded a racism museum to include "sexist objects" or something.
From the article:
"The Museum of Sexist Objects is, it seems, a triumph in every possible way, according to those paid to curate its wonders, and to generally look busy while nobody cares. With Ferris State history professor Tracy Busch adding that the museum “has accomplished its vision by increasing awareness of the damage that sexism causes to not only women and girls, but also to men and the LGBTQ+ community.” Though, again, specifics on these points are not articulated."
A museum of "racism" and another for "sexist objects" on a college campus . . . I just can't seem to figure out how tuition costs spun out of control.
Important News, BUT Sports
TNF: Saints got Jagged Off; lost 31-24 at home to Jacksonville.
Prior to last night the Jaguars had never won in the Superdome (0-3). Trevor Lawrence went 34-2 at Clemson, with both losses coming at the Superdome.
These fairly meaningless trends were broken yesterday in a fairly entertaining, but not particularly well played game.
Here's another fun fact: somehow Doug Pederson is 8-0 in games played on Thursday night.
Moving on . . .
The Bears: fucking suck and now Justin Fields is injured.
Flashback to September 6th and my NFL Preview Blog:
"The Bears need have enough data to determine whether or not Justin Fields is THE GUY moving forward. The worst-case scenario for the Bears is that Fields OK, but not great, and then gets injured. The Bears need an answer on Justin Fields heading into Year 3 of this rebuild so they can determine whether or not to use their assets (they have the Panthers' 2024 First Round Pick) to trade up for Drake Maye or Caleb Williams in next year's draft."
I hate being so right about my team. I hate knowing that the most comedically dire outcome is the most likely one. It's my cross and I bear it for your entertainment.
Fields regressed last Sunday, looking more like the guy who started the season than the guy who took had taken steps forward the previous two weeks. Fields ended up getting injured after failing to pull the trigger on an open DJ Moore and then getting slammed to the ground from behind trying to escape the pocket.
Fields fucked up the thumb on his throwing hand and is probably going to miss the majority of the rest of the season. Things are so bad that Bears fans are kicking the shit out of each other during games.
Chaos. All hope is lost.
The Niners: were literally beat and beat-up by the Browns.
The 49ers, who were my preseason pick to win the Super Bowl, traveled to Cleveland to play a DeShaun Watson-less Cleveland Browns and took their first L of the season on a game ending missed field goal.
They also sustained injuries to Deebo Samuel, Trent Williams and Christian McCaffrey.
This was a TOUGH loss and the first time the Niners (and Brock Purdy) have looked mortal this year. The last thing you want here is for Purdy to start spiraling after experiencing the first set back of his young career. Will be interesting to see how the bounce back vs the Vikings on Monday Night Football.
Bettor Off Dead: has some NFL gambling picks for you.
I don't bet on sports, but I know a lot of people do - so I'm sharing this video from @TowerGangToad in case you're looking for some NFL investment opportunities this weekend.
Toad is a pretty good dude and I am always eager to share content from the fellas to help their platforms grow. So, go subscribe, like, comment and all that.
This Bama Fan: fumbled the (bra) snap.
Fumbled the snap, get it? Her bra, he couldn't unclasp, at a football game. Oh, come on, that's clever!
I still don't know what this guy's post titty unshackling plan was here. The stadium was packed. Was he planning on tuning the radio (playing with her nipples) in the middle of Bryant-Denny stadium? Nipple tweaking isn't something you can do *discreetly*, it requires a fair amount of easily detectable hand manipulation.
What I'm trying to say here is that you can't hide playing with your girls tiddies in public. Everyone will notice, so why even bother taking off her bra? If you're going to go that far, you may as well just start having sex in front of everyone.
But don't do that, nobody really wants to watch people bone in the middle of a football game. Don't be weird, enjoy the game and bump uglies at home.
Don't do it, Outkick. Don't you call her the 'Next Paige Spiranac', I'm begging you...
*sigh* . . . here we go again.
As I've mentioned before, the phrase "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" (or in this case "The Next Paige Spiranac") gets thrown around a lot these days and that label is almost always applied inappropriately and to unworthy candidates.
Since I consider myself a true "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" expert, so I will now review and rate the accuracy of this claim. Let's investigate. . .
The "Next Paige Spiranac" Rating: Alexandra looks like a great golfer and is very pretty but she is not the "Next Paige Spiranac."
Why do you make me do this, Outkick?
I don't want to say non-complimentary things about Alexandra Harju! She's gorgeous and I'm sure she's a very nice lady!
Remember, Outkick and their loose standards for bestowing "Paige Spiranac" level status on women is the real bad guys here, not me! We love you, Alexandra!
I am already overburdened with my self-imposed obligation to audit all "The Paige Spiranac of" claims made by Outkick. I cannot assume the task of investigating all "The Olivia Dunne of" declarations as well.
I'm only one man, dammit! Also, I don't really care about Olivia Dunne and this entire thing is a shtick for your (and my) amusement.
Cute girl, though.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
Ho-ly shit.
Wow. That's a lot of . . . wow. Those are . . . I mean, jeeeeezus. Those are just some good, ole-fashion, big ass tits.
What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, BSO Literal headlines somethin-somethin. Um, yeah, this is a very literal and accurate BSO headline.
Goodness gracious. What a way to end this week's T.I.T.S.
Very Important Meme of the Week
This week's winner comes to us from @jarvis_best, Flappr's Chief Legal Correspondent, for this pitch perfect adaptation of the Rich Men North of Richmond meme template that was going around Twitter a couple of months back.
It's just really, really, really, good. Very funny. Extremely clever.
The timing was perfect - just long enough to where the Oliver Anthony oversaturation had died down, but not too long after to where people can still readily identify the joke.
Jarvis is a degenerate and the last thing I want to do is feed his ego any further - but the motherfucker is . . . kind of a genius.
This meme made me laugh very hard. 10/10.
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