The Horniest Fitness Service EVER Has Arrived

Today is Friday, Rome is burning while our nominal, demented, leader rambles on about how no Amendment to the Constitution (specifically the Second Amendment) is not "absolute" and his State Department Spokesman demands you take his word on the evidence being used as a pretext for military intervention in Ukraine.


Anyways, here at Flappr, we're intent on covering stories that uplift, stories that inspire, stories that YOU care about. . . like a new service that pairs working out with extremely sexy women. It's called "BeachSweat" apparently and it just dropped in January of this year.


Let's examine further, for research purposes (obviously):

What the fuck? That's the closest we've ever come to publishing smut on this website.


Ok, holy shit - that's pretty graphic. I get the idea, it's Peloton mixed with the Playboy channel from back in the day before Playboy decided to feature transgender playmates.

So based on all available evidence, it appears that someone finally to take this legendary Eric Prydz music video and try to turn it into a successful business venture:

This video turned several young boys into young men.

Ok, so on one hand, I totally respect the hustle at play here. BeachSweat knows what it's selling, who its customers are (extremely horny dudes with too much disposable income) and what those customers want (hard nipples and unitard close ups?). The essential question asked my BeachSweat's existence seems to be do men want to try and work out while having throbbing erections?


I know might come as shock to some of you, but I think the answer is no.


(Disclaimer to BeachSweat: if you wanted to provide Flappr with a trial membership, we'd be willing to re-examine what follows here).


I mean, I like working out and my fondness for attractive women has been well documented on this website before. Yet, I feel like appreciating the gifts given by god (or skilled plastic surgeons) to attractive women should not be the impetus for working out.


It doesn't feel right to me. I mean, if I am working out at the gym and see an attractive woman, that's an added bonus.


Whereas, if I am working out for the sole purpose of watching a toned goddess gyrate on a stationary bike . . . I guess I could just check out butts and boobs on Instagram, lying in bed, when everyone else is asleep and I FINALLY HAVE A FUCKING MOMENT TO MYSELF.


But I digress. . . there is something a little too horny about BeachSweat and I much prefer the more subtle horniess provided by Peloton, where the instructors are total smoke shows but they maintain a pretense of professionalism.


I'm sorry, but if I'm going to mix a little smut into my workout, it needs to dignified, dammit! I'm a fucking upstanding citizen and gentleman for fuck's sake.

Jess King, MY extremely attractive fitness GOAT.

Lets be real here, do you really want to pitch a tent while trying to target your traps?


How are you going to achieve the perfect bulging biceps while you're dealing with a bulging beef swellington in your pants?


If you need to softcore pornography to motivate yourself into picking up a dumbbell, then your work outs will likely be short (though perhaps high intensity), messy and require a short nap thereafter.

I FUCKING LOVE BEACHSWEAT!

So while I appreciate that BeachSweat has honed in on what it believes to be a market in search for its services, I'm not confident that many dudes will sign up.


Holy shit, nevermind, apparently 30,000 horny dudes have already subscribed to BeachSweat's website.


I was wrong and a total fucking idiot to ever underestimate the undeniable power of horny men with money to burn.


Happy Friday and God Bless America.


THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT