Flappr's 2021 Joe Biden Of The Year Award

This has been a very good year for Joe Bidens all over the world. Many Joe Bidens have accomplished feats worthy of praise and have contributed to their communities in a positive, selfless manner.


While the field was crowded, Flappr is proud to present this year's Joe Biden of the Year Award to .... Joseph Yancy Biden of Bismarck, North Dakota!

Joe Y. Biden, who manages a local Enterprise Rent-A-Car, was named after his Grandfather, Joseph Yancy Biden IV, and let me tell you. . . Joe Y. Biden had quite a 2021.


In mid February, Mr. Biden bowled an impressive 181 (a new personal record) en route to finishing second in his over 40 adult bowling league. The trophy awarded to Biden was his first since middle school and it is now proudly displayed in his office at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car located at the Bismarck Airport.

Then, in early August, just after closing, Joseph Yancy Biden pulled off a feat that he had been dreaming of since the first day of his temporary automotive leasing career - he received an old-fashioned in the front seat of a rented 2020 Chevy Malibu.


The episode started when Denise Lee Witherspoon, a single mother for four, arrived to Biden's kiosk slightly drunk and flustered from her recent flight from Tallahassee. Ms. Witherspoon, who was in town for a Tupperware convention, made a stop in the airport bar prior to retrieving her rental car - causing her to reach Mr. Biden's rental facility after closing.


Mr. Biden initially informed Witherspoon that the facility was closed for the evening and that she would have to return the next day to pick up her rental. Upon seeing tears well up in Witherspoon's eyes, Mr. Biden's chivalrous side kicked in and he decided to break company protocol and process her reservation after closing time - something he's rarely done in his sparkling 20-year-career with the company.


Appreciative of the gesture, Denise Witherspoon commented on how "handsome" Mr. Biden looked in his uniform, before asking if he was single. After coyly thanking Witherspoon for the compliment, Biden shared that he had recently become single after a "messy break-up" (which was a lie, as Biden hadn't had a girlfriend since Stephanie dumped him in 2015).


Ms. Witherspoon responded to Mr. Biden's relationship status with "that's a shame" before asking him if he would "walk her to her car". Since it was late, dark and Mr. Biden enjoyed literally any opportunity to be in close proximity to a human of the opposite sex who was nice to him, he agreed.

Upon arriving at the vehicle, Ms. Witherspoon pinched Mr. Biden's posterior, made a strange moaning sound, then took a rip of her Juul vape pen and blew water vapor from the side of her mouth.


Mr. Biden responded to Witherspoon's advances by making a rawr-type cat noise and using his fingers to imitate claws, something his instantly regretted. Yet, Witherspoon, four Mai-Tais deep, would not be undeterred, and she proceeded to ask Biden "how she could repay her big, brave, car rental man" before pointing to the front seat of the car and winking clumsily.


Before he could process the events before him, Witherspoon began unbuttoning Biden's favourite Dickies work trousers and providing him with metacarpal stimulation in the front seat of her rental car.


Joseph Y. Biden sat motionless, with a dumb smile on his face, as Denise Lee Witherspoon gave him the best 83 seconds that 2021 had to offer (though Biden often exaggerates the duration during retellings of the encounter to friends).

In the months that followed, Biden and Witherspoon have continued their relationship digitally. Each day Biden greets Witherspoon with a "good morning" text at 7:30 A.M. and a "good night, sweetheart" send-off each evening at 10:30 p.m. It's all very wholesome.


Biden visited Witherspoon in Tallahassee this past September where he met her four children, whom appear to like him more than the "other losers mom typically brings home". Mr. Biden took this back-handed comment as a positive sign.


Later on his trip, the couple went deep water fishing and Biden reeled in this barracuda, to the surprise of all, himself included. Biden almost ruined the moment when he jokingly made reference to the fish being "smaller than his trouser trout" but, with Witherspoon being somewhat of a deviant herself, the joke was received with a hearty, suggestive, laugh.

Ms. Witherspoon was so impressed by Biden's angling skills that, upon returning to shore, she drove him to a secluded area where the couple consummated their relationship in the flatbed of her Ford F-150.


Upon returning to Bismarck, Mr. Biden found a pair of Ms. Witherspoon's undergarments tucked away in his suitcase with a note attached that read "a little something so you don't forget about me". It was the nicest thing any woman (other than his mother, Virginia Ruth Biden, who was saint) had ever done for him.


The couple plans to reunite on New Year's Eve in Nashville, so long as Witherspoon's ex-husband agrees to take her kids for the weekend.


We salute you, Joseph Yancy Biden, our 2021 Joe Biden of the Year.


 

Honorable Mention


Joseph Xavier Biden

Last year's winner, Joseph X. Biden, was hoping to repeat after taking home the top prize last year; however, his bid suffered after Biden discovered his girlfriend, Ms. Mary Anne Davidson (the hottest woman in town) had been cheating on him with a local hair dresser. The two split shortly after Mr. Biden returned home early from work and caught Davidson and her paramour in the act.

Devastated by the betrayal, Joe X. Biden finished 15th in the Waterloo County Fair Annual Chili Cook Off, after finishing a career best third the year before.


Better luck next year.

 

Dishonorable Mention


Joseph Robinette Biden

Joe R. Biden, was inaugurated as President of the United States in January of this year after a hotly contested election, where Biden convinced enough retards that he was not "dementia riddled", that he was a "moderate Democrat" and that he would "shut down the virus."

As it turned out, none of those things were true and Biden's performance in his first year in office leaves him with a -10% net approval rating, making him the least popular Joe Biden in 2021.

Biden's low-lights include his botched withdrawal of American troops from Afghanistan, that resulted in the deaths of 13 U.S. Servicemembers and wounding of 18 others. Biden's withdrawal plan - which was against the advice of his generals - resulted in an almost instantaneous takeover of Afghanistan, a result that Biden had said was not inevitable:

Moreover, while candidate Biden presented himself as a moderate Democrat to voters in 2020, President Biden has been anything but since taking office.


In January, Biden signed the American Rescue Act, 1.9 Trillion Dollar stimulus package that extended enhanced unemployment benefits, making it more profitable for many to remain unemployed than to return to work - this predictably lead to work shortages for many small businesses around the country. This supposed "COVID Relief Package" also included $270 million for the National Endowment for the Arts and National Endowment for the Humanities, $1.5 billion for Amtrak, $1 billion for loan assistance to socially disadvantaged farmers and $350 billion for state and local governments (which Democratic-run cities and governments used to bail-out failed local policies).


On the COVID front, things have not improved under Biden, with more Americans dying from the virus that originated from China under the current Administration than had died under the previous one.


Most recently, Biden conceded “There is no federal solution [to the ending the pandemic]. This gets solved at a state level", before leaving for Delaware for the weekend:

Biden's assessment here, is the correct one. The issue here is that when Donald Trump made identical assertions in 2020, the media and Biden savaged him for "failing to lead" and Biden entered office touting his plan to end the virus. This is not a shock, since the corporate media is - more or less - a propaganda wing for the Democrat Party.


So, despite having the benefit of a vaccine, an additional year of data, potentially unconstitutional mandates and bullying from the corporate media, Joe Biden has not, in fact, shut down the virus.


The only positive that's come from Biden's first year in office is the effervescent "Let's Go Brandon" meme, which originated during a congratulatory NASCAR interview with driver Brandon Brown and recently found its way into the oval office:

While endlessly entertaining, the Let's Go Brandon meme is not enough to spare Joseph R. Biden from dishonorable mention.