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Torts Illustrated - Danda, the Stick Wielding Ass-Beater

Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really.

It is commonly “thought” on the “internet” that California has gone “woke” and legalized crime. These rumors are fueled in part by the near-daily release of videos of thieves waltzing into retail stores like they own the goddam place, picking out whatever merchandize they like, and then walking out into twilight with a “Good night, Ralph; see you tomorrow, Sam” nod to the store clerks who can barely be bothered to look up from their phones to even acknowledge the theft that is occurring right under their noses.

But I’m here to tell you that these rumors are false. California has *not* legalized crime.

It is still very much illegal to try to *stop* crime.

By now, you have probably seen the grainy cell video of a man in Stockton, California going behind the counter at a 7-11 and emptying out the cigarette shelves into a garbage bag with not a care in the world. And why would he care? Store employees said that he had robbed the 7-11 at least twice before without consequence. At one point in the video, the man threatens to shoot the clerks if they try to stop him.

But then, a turban-wearing, stick-wielding hero pops out of nowhere and unleashes a beautiful stream of ownage on the perp’s legs. The tobacco connoisseur falls to the ground and tries to deflect the blows with his shoes, but the assbeating continues without interruption. Some of the shots look like they wouldn’t be that bad, but at various points our vigilante 7-11 clerk whacks him in the shin and ass, which causes the thief to declare that he has had a change of heart about the whole thing and would like to talk it over.

Apparently, he has quit smoking. Good for him.

The Sikh Avenger ceases the administration of Ass Beatings and the man is allowed to leave.

Now one would think that this would be the end of the matter. A crook tried to rob a place, got his ass beat, and left. No one is dead, no one is dying, no one has brain damage – there’s not even any broken bones or blood to be found in this story. The cigarettes will be put back and the culprit will limp around with some bruises for a few days and hopefully think twice before casually robbing a store in broad daylight.

It really is an ideal outcome.

Alert social media user Indian Bronson pointed out that what was happening here is described in the Sikh criminal law of Daṇḍaviveka of Vardhamāna, or “staff wisdom.” The application of the Danda (staff) to the ass of the criminal as a corrective measure to punish the crime and deter future antisocial behavior. In other words, the Beating of Ass is not only permissible – it is the root of wisdom and good social order.

We can’t wait for Marvel to release its franchise-saving blockbuster: Danda The Assbeater.

Social media was flooded for support for Danda The Assbeater, which makes sense: ordinary people love seeing a cocky criminal get the Christ beat out of him.

But the cops and the journalists – get this – sided with the crook. The 7-11 clerk is now under investigation for felony assault. The editorial board of The Modesto Bee published a poorly-reasoned article slamming Danda for having the temerity to defend his store from criminals.

Don’t you know that stores exist to rob? Where the hell does Danda get off preventing robbery?! THE NERVE.

The auto-fellating editors at The Modesto Bee frame shoplifting as a “frustrating” experience for the store clerks, like having to deal with traffic. The editors also admit that California cops and prosecutors do not pursue these suspects, meaning that they can rob the same store with impunity again and again. Still—they say—"confronting [shoplifting] with violence makes thing worse.” The editorial concludes, “Street justice may be popular in movies or among frustrated citizens, but it has no place in a society governed by the rule of law.”

In other words, let the criminal get away with it. Because “rule of law.”

I disagree. The reason street justice is popular is because it RULES. The cops and politicians and journalists *do not give one single shit* that your store is robbed daily. Because they hate you. What they care about is you being a gentle little lamb that allows their voters to take whatever they like off of your shelves. So yes, ordinary people love it when a regular person stands up and says to hell with it, we’re not going to let you crooks get away with it this time.

But if you try to prevent brazen robbery, the full force of the law and the media will come down on you and demand your jailing.

Why, it’s almost enough to make a fellow cynical about the justice system and media.

This being California, I fully expect Danda The Assbeater to be charged with a crime. The media and government will also lean on 7-11 and try to get him fired from his job. Nothing will happen to the shoplifter. A message must be sent to the good people of California: never, ever fight back against the crooks.

But for me and the rest of the nice and normal Americans, I’ll say this: Danda didn’t just beat the ass of a criminal; he beat the asses of our *hearts.*

All hail Danda.

To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted" you can follow him on Twitter, here.


Mark Richards
Mark Richards
Aug 08, 2023

God I hate commiefornia.


Aug 07, 2023

Not the stick-wielding ass-beater we need, but the stick-wielding ass-beater we deserve.


Aug 07, 2023

Danda lives in all of us.


Aug 07, 2023

Very well said.

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