Today is Friday, Rome is burning while our nominal, demented, leader commits to spending billions of your tax dollars to make military vehicles "climate friendly", suggests we should pay Brazil to not cut down trees and his old boss champions censorship over free speech because. . . misinformation might kill you:
But if you're looking for more doom and gloom, you can go read WaPo, an outlet that employs Taylor L*re*z, an r-worded spinster (both meanings intended) who recently outed an anonymous Twitter account because she’s a hateful loser.
Anyways, here at Flappr, we're intent on covering stories that uplift, stories that inspire, and stories that YOU care about. . . so today we're talkin’ bout boobs .
Not just any boobs - we talkin’ bout big, natural ones.
So I know what you're wondering - why we talking about Big Natural Shoulder Boulders today?
Well, it’s because Big Naturals are under attack from the haters and losers (of which there are many). It all started earlier this week when this brave, barrel-chested beauty shared this harrowing tale of big-natural-bigotry.
"Well those are distracting."
Who says that?
Why would anyone ever slut shame such a spectacular set of Certified-Organic-Sweater-Stretchers?
Big Naturals hold a special place in the Pantheon of Prolific Pokies. Unlike their synthetic sisters - the BFTs - Big Naturals are Pendulous Paragons of what the human body can achieve with sheer genetics, diet and good fortune. Big Naturals provide an abundance of sustenance to children.
If God was a woman (he's not), he'd have a the biggest, most natural set of Divine Humpty Dumpties that ever sat upon the Walls of Jericho.
Yes, our Honeydew'd Heroine wore a blouse that highlighted her Untainted Ummmlauts - but so what?
She wasn’t at church. She wasn’t at a funeral. She was at a restaurant and IT. WAS. HER. BIRTHDAY.
You're allowed (encouraged even) to show 'em off for your birthday!
“Well those are distracting?” - you're goddamn right they're distracting!
That's kind of the point(s) of Big Naturals! They’re uniquely amazing and beacon(s) of light in what’s becoming an increasingly dark and miserable world.
You fucking monsters can't tell me the world isn't a better place with these bouncing around:
You know what’s super depressing? Jealous and shitty comments like "well those are distracting" have real world consequences. For proof, look no further than these stories of Big Natural Bias shared by women similarly endowed:
Fellas,,, if your wife has to switch seats with you because you're all horned up by the Swag Bags sitting next you - that's terrible form. Chill out, tuck it in your waistband and just be a friendly normal human, ffs. If your incapable of behaving in a non-bonkable manner, you’re not being a good Big Natural ally.
Are you happy now, haters?
Lynda "Highbeams" Horst (a nickname I just made up) got called a slut and a whore just because she needed to wear a brassiere to buttress her ginormous boobs (her description, not mine). Lynda didn't deserve that type of ridicule, you small-minded goblins!
Look, these women suffer enough for their gifts. Did you know the weight of Big Natural Bazookas can cause severe pain, make it difficult to maintain good posture, and even lead to spinal deformity? Well they can, you haters, so the next time you think about making a snide comment - keep it to yourself!
Big Naturals deserve your respect.
Big Naturals need your support.
Happy Friday, God Bless America.
P.S. - I.L.B.Ts too, Joe.