Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!
This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I provide my uniquely Flappr commentary on each game from the past week!
Let's get to it!
Rams 12, 49ers 6 - Go read last week's S M & U T, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; phew, one game reviewed already!
Bills 48, Lions 42
Folks, this was an old-fashioned SSO throwdown between Hailee Steinfeld's fiancé, Josh Allen, and Christen Harper's husband, Jared Goff and it did not disappoint!
Allen tallied 430 combined yards and 4 total touchdowns! Goff threw for 494 yards and five touchdowns! The teams combined for 1,080 yards of offense and 90 points, the highest in both categories in any game in the NFL this season. It was a shame that one of these teams had to lose, but the Lions made more mistakes in this game. Most notably this fumble by Amon-Ra St. Brown, which led to a quick strike TD from Allen and increased Buffalo's lead to 35-14.
This sucks too, because Brown was awesome in this game, racking up 193 yards and a touchdown on 14 catches. But this was the sole turnover of the game and put the Lions in a position where they became increasingly desperate - highlighted by Dan Campbell's retarded decision to attempt an onside kick with 12 minutes left and his team trailing by 10 points.
That choice backfired (because onside kicks rarely work and can no longer be done by surprise), leading to a quick score to put the Bills back up by 17.
The real story of this matchup, however, was between the QB SSOs. If you had read this week's S M & U T you could've guessed that Josh Allen was going to go off 4 TDs. Since getting engaged to actress, Hailee Steinfeld on November 29th, Josh Allen has racked up 1003 yards, 14 TDs, and no turnovers.
That's the power of having an elite SSO, like Hailee Steinfeld, who is clearly supportive, very attractive and wholly responsible for Allen's outstanding play. The quarterback admitted as much last week when he said that he 'Felt good' and 'Felt free' playing after his engagement.
Likewise, if you had read the November 22 edition of S M & U T, you would've learned that Jared Goff has been a different QB since getting engaged to wife and swimsuit model, Christen Harper. In the three seasons before getting engaged to Christen, Goff's record as a starting QB was 21-23 and he had thrown 61 TDs and 48 INTs - borderline NFL starter stats. In the three seasons since, Goff is 33-15 with 89 TDs and 29 INTs - franchise QB numbers.
These teams are both quite good! We could see them play again in the Super Bowl. It would be a dream match-up of two franchises beset by heartbreak! It would be a true battle of heavyweight SSOs! A lot can happen between now and then, and both of these teams are suffering from significant injuries, but I don't think there are two better teams in the NFL right now.
Not Fun Stat: Lions running back David Montgomery is out indefinitely after suffering a sprained MCL in Sunday's loss.
Fun Stat: The Lions and Chiefs are 25-1 against teams that are not the Bills this season, but are 0-2 against teams that are the Bills this season.
Chiefs 21, Browns 7
Jameis Winston threw three picks, including two in the end zone (but no pick sixes!). The only thing that mattered in this game was Patrick Mahomes suffered a high ankle sprain and could not finish the game.
High ankle sprains typically take weeks to heal, but it feels like Mahomes suffers these every year (sometimes multiple times a game) and he ends up being OK. If this was a regular human being, I think there'd be reason for worry, but Mahomes is more Gumby-species than Homo Sapien. Mahomes will also be getting support and treatment from his MAGA-loving SSO wife, Brittany, so he should be fine.
Fun Stat: Taylor Swift celebrated her 35th birthday this weekend, but didn't attend the Chiefs game in Cleveland to share the occasion with Travis. Trouble in paradise?
Commanders 20, Saints 19
This was a weird game with a VERY suspect ending. The Commies led most of the way because the Saints decided to start some guy named Jake Haener, who looks like a homosexual actor trying to play quarterback in a Lifetime Christmas movie centered around an NFL QB who is struggling with his sexual identity.
Needless to say, the Haener experience did not go well for New Orleans!
After falling behind 20-7, the Saints replaced Haener with Spencer Rattler and the khaki-colored rookie led the team on three scoring drives, including what could've been a game-tying touchdown throw on the final play of regulation! However, the Saints elected to go for the win instead of kicking the extra point, and Rattler failed to convert the two-point conversion . . . so they lost.
The Saints suck, so not a shocker here. But what's concerning is that they never should've gotten the chance to win the game. On the play before Rattler's TD pass, referees mistakenly stopped the clock for four seconds, giving time for the Saints to spike the ball and run a final play, which was a touchdown that could've resulted in a Saints victory.
After the game, referee Shawn Hochuli admitted that a clock stoppage error was made, telling reporters, "The covering official mistakenly stopped the clock at nine seconds, and it is not reviewable."
UHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't gamble, but I know a lot of people do and there are probably a fair number of people who got fucked by this mistake. This is the problem with the NFL embracing gambling - they have to answer for this type of bullshit when millions of dollars are on the line.
Not good.
Fun Stat: The Commies are 9-5, their best record through 14 games since 1991. They might make the playoffs, but they just almost lost a game to the Saints, so . . . does anyone really think they're going to win a playoff game?
Fun Stat: #2: Jayden Daniels is mid and missed several makable throws in this game. He's a fucking bust, with a weird elbow and I do not like him.
Ravens 35, Giants 14
Lamar Jackson threw 5 TDs and the Ravens gave the Giants a non-consensual proctology exam on Sunday. The loss was a franchise record-tying 9th straight for New York. Tim Boyle threw passes in this game for the Giants. Brian Daboll is probably going to be fired. There is nothing else to say about this game.
Fun Stat: Mark Andrews caught his 48th career touchdown pass in this game, making him the Ravens' all-time leader in touchdowns. He’s also the only tight end in NFL history to lead a franchise’s total TDs.
Fun Stat #2: The Giants are now 0-8 at home this season. With a loss to the Colts later this month, the Giants could be the first team ever to go 0-9 at home.
Fun Stat #3: No reports of Giants players paying Ava Louise to flash the opposing sidelines this week. Sad!
Jets 32, Jaguars 25
Aaron Rodgers is not dead yet. He looked really good in this game, better than even his 16/30, 289 yards and 3 TDs stat line suggests. Rodgers was dropping dimes all over the field and decided to rekindle his relationship with Davante Adams, connecting with Adams 9 times for 198 yards and 2 TDs - all in the second half. Just look at this beautiful throw that Adams caught over his shoulder and took 71 yards to pay dirt:
Meanwhile, Mac Jones started for Jacksonville and continues to be one of the biggest cunts in the NFL. Don't get me wrong, he played OK, but the former Pats QB carries himself with such unearned confidence that it makes you wonder if he forgets that he's some douchebag named McCorkle, not the quarterback who ended Bill Belichick's legendary NFL coaching career.
Just look at this asshole do "The Rizzler" to celebrate an 11-yard run:
I mean . . . the audacity. I actually like it, to be honest. We need villains in the NFL. We need people to root against and McCorkle Jones fills the role perfectly.
Fun Stat: Davante Adams had 135 receiving yards in the final 4 minutes of regulation, the most by any player in a game this century, per ESPN Research.
Fun Stat #2: In his last 7 games, Aaron Rodgers has thrown 13 TDs, 1 INT, and posted a 100.4 passer rating, but the Jets only 2-5 during that stretch.
Fun Stat #3: 41-year-old, Aaron Rodgers led the Jets in rushing on Sunday.
Fun Stat #4: Doug Pederson is still coaching the Jaguars.
Cowboys 30, Panthers 14
The Panthers were -2.5 favorites heading into this game - the first time that the Panthers were a betting favorite in 33 games. They responded by getting bussy-blasted by ginger-haired Cooper Rush and the Dallas Cowboys defense. Worst of all, Bryce Young was baaaaaad. Real bad. Like, oh man, he's the biggest bust in NFL history again, bad.
Young finished the day with four turnovers (2 INTs, and 2 fumbles) and was sacked SIX times. When asked to describe his performance after the game, Young responded "Not good". Well, at least he's self-aware.
These teams both suck and might suck for the foreseeable future.
Bengals 37, Titans 27
Joe Burrow threw three more TDs. Ja'marr Chase finished with nine catches for 94 yards. The teams combined for the NFL's first 10-turnover game since 2007 and combined for 26 penalties for over 225 yards. It was ugly. That's the story of this game, but there were some fun plays, so let's watch those.
First up - Bengals Safety, Jordan Battle, who picked off Will Levis but celebrated too early and fumbled the ball before crossing the goal line.
Next up - Bengals Defensive End, Sam Hubbard, who caught a TD . . . but also injured his knee on the play and will miss the remainder of the season.
Finally - Titans, 366-pound Defensive Tackle, T'Vondre Sweat, recovered a fumble, threw up a sick stiff arm, and recorded the longest fumble return (30 yards) by any player to weigh 350+ pounds since at least 1991.
Pretty sweet stuff.
Fun Stat: Joe Burrow leads the league in passing yards and passing TDs.
Fun Stat #2: Ja'marr Chase leads the leads the league in receptions and yards receiving. In this game, Chase became the fifth player in NFL history with at least 100 receptions, 1,400 receiving yards, and 15 TD catches in a season.
Fun Stat #3: The Bengals play like fucking retards and will probably miss the playoffs despite having the best QB-WR combo in the league.
Texans 20, Dolphins 12
The Texans put the Dolphins' out of their misery, ending whatever little playoff hopes that Miami had left. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon result for the 'Phins, who routinely struggle against teams with winning records. Last year, all 11 of the Dolphins' wins came against teams with losing records. This year, 5 of their 6 wins have come against teams with losing records.
The Texans have a winning record, and the Dolphins had their chances, but in the most critical moments, they just couldn't make the plays necessary to win.
This sucks. I like Tua and want to see him succeed, but until he can start beating good teams, this narrative will not escape him or Mike McDaniel, who looks like the guy who got expelled from college for selling AI-written term papers.
Not Fun Stat: Dolphins WR, Grant DuBose, had to be carted off the field after suffering a head injury. Thankfully, the team reported that he "has movement in all extremities and initial tests have revealed positive results."
Fun Stat: In 5 games against teams against teams with a .500 record or better this season, Tua Tagovailoa has thrown 7 TDs, 7 INTs, and posted an 89 passer rating. The Dolphins have a 1-4 record in those games.
Broncos 31, Colts 13
This was another very weird and bad game that the Colts quite literally fumbled away. Up 13-7 in the third quarter, Jonathan Taylor sliced through the Broncos' defense and took the ball 41 yards seemingly untouched for a touchdown. Except it wasn't a touchdown because Jonathan Taylor is a fucking retard.
Yep, Taylor celebrated too early and fumbled the ball out of the end zone. The second instance of this retardation in the same week. Instead of the Colts taking a commanding 20-7 lead, the score remained 13-7 and the Colts did not score another point the entire game.
They did, however, throw a TD later in the game . . . sort of . . .
Technically, since the was a backward lateral, this was counted as a fumble return for a TD by Nick Bonitto, who adeptly dissected the play design and stepped in front of the pass back to Anthony Richardson. What a fucking mess. The Colts are a fucking mess. What a way to lose a game.
The Broncos have won four straight after that blocked FG loss to the Chiefs. Somehow, Denver is closing in on a playoff spot despite looking like dog shit more often than not.
Fun Stat: Bo Nix might suck, he threw three INTs in this game and they were all pretty bad ones. Nix has thrown 11 INTs this season, most among rookies.
Fun Stat #2: Anthony Richardson has completed 44.7% of his passes this season and has the 2nd worst Inaccurate Throw Rate for any QB in any season with 250+ attempts since 2000 (17.7%). Richardson ranks 776th out of 777.
Cardinals 30, Patriots 17
Fuck, why are there so many games this weekend? Doesn't it seem like there are more games than usual? Oh, shit, it's because there are no teams on bye this week. Fuckkkkkkkk, this blog is taking so long to write.
Fuck it, I'm not reviewing this game. I don't care. Fuck these teams. Fuck you too.
Fun Stat: Did you know that honey never spoils? Archeologists have found pots of honey in Egyptian tombs that are over 3,000 years old and still perfectly edible.
Fun Stat #2: Did you know that your mom's ass never spoils? Despite being over 3,000 years old, it's still perfectly edible, just ask @assliken.
Buccaneers 40, Chargers 17
Yeah, this was a Buccaneer-butt-fucking by Baker, who went 22/27 for 288 yards and 4 TDs. The Bucs trailed this game 17-13 at half-time but then scored on their first five drives in the second half and buried the Chargers. Mike Evans, the most underappreciated star in the NFL, had 159 receiving yards and 2 TDs, including this one that gave the Bucs a lead they would never relinquish.
The Chargers were outgained by 300 yards in this game (506 to 206), including a 223-32 edge in yards rushing. The Chargers do not have many weapons on offense and rely on the run to set up their passing game and have not looked the same since running back J.K. Dobbins went down with a strained knee in Week 12. The Chargers are currently holding onto the final playoff spot in the AFC, which they might just keep because the teams behind them (CIN, MIA) play like retards.
Fun Stat: Mike Evans now ranks 25th all-time in career receiving yards and will break a tie with Jerry Rice for most consecutive 1,000-yard seasons (11) if he can gain 251 more yards this season.
Eagles 27, Steelers 13
This felt like a preview of the Steelers' inevitable early playoff loss. Pittsburgh can find creative ways to grind out victories in the regular season, but their offense does not have enough firepower to compete with good teams when it counts. This is the tragedy of the Mike Tomlin era - good enough to win a division or make the playoffs, but not talented enough to take the next step.
In this game, the Steelers were without George Pickens, their only dynamic playmaker, and were only able to muster 163 yards of offense - getting outgained by 240 yards on the day. You can't win that way! Making matters worse, the Steelers lost their best player, T.J. Watt, to an ankle injury in the fourth quarter and he may miss this week's division showdown vs the Ravens. That's not good!
If Pittsburgh was smart, they'd call up the MAGA streaker lady and see if she can rush the quarterback as efficiently as she ran down the sidelines!
The Eagles, meanwhile, won their tenth straight game and looked competent passing the football - something that has not always been the case with Jalen Hurts under center the last two seasons. Hurts tore up the Stilllllers, going 25/32 for 290 yards and 2 passing TDs to go along with a rushing TD.
The Eagles head to Washington next week to take on the Commies and will clinch the division with a victory. They look like one of only 2 or 3 teams from the NFC where you can squint your eyes and see them winning the Super Bowl.
Fun Stat: Before Sunday, Russell Wilson was 6-0 in his career against the Eagles.
Packers 30, Seahawks 13
Ugh.
Fun Stat: @assliken will eat almost any mom's ass, but he refuses to eat the ass of any mothers from the Green Bay Packers because they are communists and repulsive. They beg him to eat their asses, but even he has limits.
TONIGHT: Bears (-7) at Vikings
Ah, fuck. My prediction for tonight?
**sigh**
I think the Bears (who have lost seven straight) are due for a victory and the Vikings (who have won six straight and almost lost to the Bears) are due for a loss. That being said, I know better and can't pick the Bears.
I might update this blog with my Bears' thoughts tomorrow, but I also might not. If something crazy happens, I probably will.
My pick: Vikings 27, Bears 17
ALSO TONIGHT: Falcons (-4.5) at Raiders
The Falcons have lost four straight and fallen out of first place in the NFC South. Kirk Cousins has thrown 0 TDs and 8 INTs in those 4 losses and Atlanta is playing like dog shit. One more loss and their playoff hopes might come to an end.
The Raiders are 2-11 and are starting former Falcons starting QB Desmond Ridder, who fucking sucks because Aidan O'Connell, who also fucking sucks and looks like Farva, is injured.
I guess the Falcons win.
My Pick: Falcons 17, Raider 8
My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (6-2), Against the Spread (5-3)
Great write up as usual. Injuries not looking great for my Lions. Time is running out.