Editor's Note: Having written 18,000 words over the past two weeks, I have given myself a week off. In my place, renowned football enjoyer, Mujahed "Jay" Kobbe, agreed to fill in for me. I don't believe Jay has ever watched a football game and I am 99.9% positive that he just asked ChatGPT to write some of his recaps. The Bears game made me so sad I didn't watch any other football, so I am not sure if any recaps are accurate. I also made the editorial decision to leave most of Jay's spelling and grammatical errors intact because I think it adds to the experience.
Good luck trying to make sense of any of what you are about to read.
Hi, Flappr readers, and welcome to your week 10 summary of what had to be some of the worst NFL games this season. I am filling in for your resident sportswriter, Bart, to give you a perspective of the game from a guy who calls soccer "football."
Bart is out suffering from heartbreak and could only be described as a sadist who knew what he was getting himself into or what we professionals call a Bears Fan.
Patriots 19 – Bears 3
Now joining me for a quick interview to kick off my first NFL summary and relive some of his worst moments is local Bears Fan Mr. Bart.
Jay: “Hi Bart and let me start with saying that I’m sorry for your loss, and also enjoyed every second of that game... but to get right to it like the sense of despair in right in your heart.
How were you feeling coming into this game, a game that most would have seen as an easy win?”
Bart: “I wrote last week that I thought the Bears were going to lose this game. Yet, even in my cynical worst dreams, I didn't think they would lose like this and yes, I want to blow my fucking brains out"
J: “To be fair, as a Bears fan shouldn’t you be expecting this? Can’t you say it’s your fault for believing in hope?”
B: “Yes, yes, it is my fault. It's 1000% my fault. I know better, but I continue to do this to myself”
J: “Like an addict who knows the rusted needle will infect their arm, Bears fan Bart puts that game on every week to get a moment of high, just to spiral into a pit of hin puke. Where do you see you guys going from here?”
B: “So this loss ruins the rest of the season for me. It made me sad. The Bears aren't fun bad. The Bears are sad bad. I can live with the Bears losing hilariously when I have no expectations. But I had expectations coming into the year and in that 3-week stretch where they improved to 4-2, I saw a path where this team achieved something this season. Not a Super Bowl, but relevance in December. I saw them building something heading into 2025. But then came out of the bye week looking like total fucking retards on offense.
They cannot do anything right now. They're getting Caleb Williams killed. The coaches have no answers. It's just a total cluster fuck and it's such a Bears thing to do. This is what this franchise does. They ruin everything. They're losers.
I want to blow my fucking brains out."
J: “Wow... i can see this was a really healing process for you. A roller coaster of anger, acceptance, denial and back to acceptance. We really were able to take a dive into the tangled and complex mind of a Bears fan”
B: "Go fuck yourself."
Bengels 34 – Ravens 35
What a showdown in the AFC North. I am as surprised as you are that I even know what those words mean. It took me 3 years to even know there were 2 divisions that had their own subdivisions. I thought it was all NFL American football league. Joe Burrow coming in off a win and getting straight into his gun-slinging ways. Giving us a show in one of the most dynamic WR and QB relationships in the league.
Burrow and Chase have a connection, a synchronization of where to be and how to place the ball. It only took them 9 weeks to figure it out, and my threat to drop Chase out of my fantasy league (I didn’t and he scored me 55 pts completely dominating the marketing chick in my office) thank god they did because it is damn good football watching them connect. Leading the half 14-7 and coming in the 3rd to score in a 2-minute drive.
All of this was not enough to stop the reigning MVP and the best dual-threat QB the league has ever seen, Lamar Jackson. This win showed us why the Ravens are not just the contenders for the AFC title by also the Superbowl. We saw the magic with his scramble on 2nd and 9, scrambling back 20 yards evading the Bengels defensive line like meek mill oiled up at a Diddy party, to run it back 30 yards and set up a 1st and goal for the tank Derek to stiff arm a player into the endzone. Giving Henry his stat of scoring in every single game this season.
After that, it was just a race to outscore the other. The defense on both teams are no slouches but the offense was just firing on all cylinders, like my pants when I watch every Sydney body wash commercial.
Editor's Note: Chat GPT definitely wrote this.
Giants 17 – Panthers 20
This game was in Germany, and we do not support the nazis or these franchises. I mean this was supposed to be Daniels' year… I did not watch this game; I was busy doing laundry and making coffee.
49ers 23 – Buccaneers 20
McCaffery’s return, with it I was expecting to get my ass handed to me in fantasy. The marketing chick kept him in IR hoping and praying, but since Trump is in office it is illegal for women to beat men in anything and the fantasy gods kept this woman in the kitchen.
TBH this was a mediocre game, but good to see McCaffery back in action. He gave the offense the extra running game they have been missing. They were just lucky the Bucs were missing Evans, it probably would have turned out differently and I would have hit my parley. Now I must dip into my children’s college funds. I am kidding I do not have kids; I took it from my neighbors. I do not know why they have one for little Timothy, he isn’t going to make it. He brought over an Orange and called it a banana, just one of the dumbest 3-year-olds I have ever seen.
Mayfield did end up with one of the most badass plays I have ever seen, and I have watched a lot of football these past 3 years.
He stiffed-armed a 250+ lbs defensive lineman and still managed to make a 7-yard throw for a first down. Like when my girlfriend (who is real) stiff-arms me when I try to stop her from eating Crumble cookies. I try to stop her for her own good, one cookie for like 2 million calories. I hope RFK Jr. makes them illegal, there are girlfriends out there getting fat.
Broncos 14 – Chiefs 16
THE CHEATING CHIEFS THE FUCKING CHEATING CHIEFS
Either the refs are seriously on their payroll as team members or the NFL purposefully schedules the most retarded of the retards to ref these games. Constant no calls on important plays, obvious holding calls going unnoticed. Just wild to watch these games and think there is no grand conspiracy. We get it commissioner you want the Chiefs to win more games, so Taylor Swift attends and you get those Swifty views from non-football fans. As a lifelong NFL fan of 3 years FUCK YOU, as a cold-hearted capitalist you fucking legend.
Also, heartbreaking block at the end. Just damn.
Bills 30 – Colts 20
It is sad watching a player at Flacco’s age suddenly suffer from dementia live during a game. For the first half, he honestly thought he was playing for the Bills throwing them absolute dimes. He was the better QB for the Bills in the first half than Allen was.
This would be a great first half for Anthony Richardson to learn from if he and Flacco were actually Bills. There were some great plays Flacco was able to pull out of his ass and sling but not enough for the two touch downs they gave the Bills in the first half.
Steelers 28 – Commanders 27
MR UNLIMITED he is MR UNLIMITED listen to it again Steelers its MR UNLIMITED.
There was a different sag from Russel Willson in this game. It wasn’t a great game, but the Superbowl champ is now on a 2-0 record as a starter for the Steelers. The magic touch downplay to Pickens was wildly hype. I think we are going to witness these two start to synchronize and have a magical playoff run. They do, somehow in the wild ways of the NFL, stand as the leader in the AFC north. Daniels didn’t have a bad game, the miracle rookie was bound to have a streak of bad game or close losses. Still haunting Bears fans for picking Caleb Williams who is a very straight man who wears nail polish.
Steelers have a chance to solidify their status as the leader with a game against the Ravens next week.
Vikings 12 – Jaguars 7
The Jaguars are the 2nd worst team in the NFL, behind only the Bears (even the Panthers squeezed out a win).
Sam Darnold has 3 interceptions and no touchdowns and the Jags only managed to score a single touchdown. I get it, they were without Trever Lawrance, blah blah blah… 3 interceptions
I stopped watching the start of the 2nd half, this was a snooze fest.
Falcons 17 – Saints 20
Forgot this was even on.
Titans 17 – Chargers 27
I tell myself every week “hey catch a Harbaugh Chargers game” and every week I forget this team even exists.
Jets 6 – Cardinals 31
Hi it’s Aaron, Aaron is the problem it’s Aaron.
Enough giving this guy a pass, this was an embarrassment. He is the reason why you do not give a player the powers of a head coach and GM. The Aaron of the Packers is no more. There is no MVP caliber left in this man. There needs to be a change of culture and soon. There might not be a way back from this. The hope Jets fans have had for the start of this season is mirrored only by Bears fans. And I don’t know who this comparison is sadder for. (The Bears, it is always sadder for the bears.
Eagles 34 – Cowboys 6
Ok we knew this was going to be bad for the cowboys. BUT HOLY SHIT LMAO
Every week we can expect a blow out for the cowboys now, and it is glorious. The smugness of the cowboy fans is why the NFL fan base as a whole lacks any sense of empathy for these fuck stains. This is not America’s Team this is a laughingstock, and we are all better off for it. The reason why we collectively feel empathy for Bears fans is because they never experienced what it is like to win and lack the smugness of the past.
Lions 26 – Texans 23
The Lions man.. What Dan Campbell has done to this organization should be studied for teams like the Bears. He took a team with a die-hard fan base, one that did not know the meaning of what it is to be on the winning side, like the bears, and taught them grit. The man is the definition of grit, he doesn’t care how pretty a win would be, or how ugly. The man will do what it takes to win and will put that in the minds of every footballer who plays for him. I live for his press briefings and locker room speeches. I have them on shuffle when I hit the gym. The man knows football, he knows what it is to be a player and how to earn their respect. HE is a general and his men will bleed and die for him, hell I would.
Don’t get me wrong, Goff played terribly. It was a game where it reminded Rams fans why they got rid of him in the first place. 5 interceptions, after coming off a 6 game winning streak with only 1. Don’t need to look it up this is a real state that I knew from watching the games.
They found a way, and CJ stroud helped with a couple interceptions himself. For a moment it seemed like neither QB wanted to handle the ball. Throwing it back and forth like it was a baby from one of their baby mamas and no one knew who the father was. (it was Goffs brown baby, you knew he dipped it in chocolate a couple times)
Dolphins 23 – Rams 15
The Dolphins could have helped make Florida history, NFL history and college football history. This was not a week to be a fan of football in Florida. Every College team lost, the Jags and Tampa lost, and it was up to Tua concussion protocol Tagoigola to save Florida football from a complete embarrassment. For a moment we thought it was all over in the 2nd qtr. where he got picked and being the genius he is, he went to take the CB who made the interception, you would think he would do it in a safe way trying to protect is concussion prone skull, and you would be wrong. He dove head first into the guys knees.
It is like he seeks them out, he may be addicted to concussions. I wonder if they give you a type of high, at least we can justify why he keeps trying to get them. OR maybe after your 3rd concussion you unconsciously seek them out. Anyways I think he should at least donate his brain, or what is left of it, to science so they can better understand this phenomenon.
I hope you all enjoyed this rundown on week 10 football, I’m just glad the teams went out there and had fun. Even the Bears fans were enjoying themselves leaving the stadium early, they got to beat something… traffic.
CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: THIS GUY
I don't know who that guy is, but he's got a great ass. Hairy, almost like an arab, which resonates with me. I don't care if this didn't happen in this week's game, this guy and his hairy butthole win white boy of the week.
Patrick Mahomo