Hey There!
I'm Dr. Jimmy O'Tool, PhD, who was hired to replace "Professor Problmatic" (GROSS!). Before joining FlapzzFeed I obtained my PhD in interpretative tribal dance and was named of the Feminist Studies department at Vassar University Online (Gooooooo FIGHTING Menses!) I hope you like the new and improved FlapzzFeed, where we aim to be your one-stop-shop for everything noteworthy in news, fashion, and entertainment! As always... served with a side of love, empowerment, and justice!!!
Now, here you may be thinking, “Didn’t Professor Problematic used to have something called Octo-Reviews? (DOUBLE GROSS!) Where you did deep dives into what made classic films great?”
Haha! LOL! We totally did!
But Octo-Reviews is now FlapzzFlickzz. (YAAAASSSS). From now on, we’ll be taking a look at cinema from a broader perspective. As the events over the summer showed, we still have a long way to go as a nation towards healing the wounds caused by systemic injustice. We have to be SO MUCH BETTER, which is why today we’ll be reviewing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. PERIOD.
BLACK PANTHER!!! (DOUBLE YAAAASSSS!!!)
This movie is groundbreaking on so many levels. It makes my brain hurt just thinking about how revolutionary it is! Let’s take a look at some of Black Panther’s many “FIRSTS”:
1) First movie to EVER feature a Black superhero!
(excluding Blade, Hancock, Spawn, etc)
2) First movie to EVER feature a Black actor as its leading man!
(excluding Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Jackson, Danny Glover, Eddie Murphy, Lawrence Fishburne, Morgan Freeman, Forrest Whitaker, Sidney Portier, James Baskett, etc)
3) First movie to EVER have a Black director!
(excluding Spike Lee, Lee Daniels, F. Gary Gray, Steve McQueen, Ava DuVernay, John Singleton, Gordon Parks, Oscar Micheaux, etc)
4) First movie to EVER be set in Africa!
(excluding King Solomon’s Mines, Tarzan, Zulu, The Power of One, Cry Freedom, The Lion King, The Constant Gardner, Hotel Rwanda, The Last King of Scotland, Blood Diamond, District 9, Beasts of No Nation, etc)
5) First comic book movie to EVER be written by a Black screenwriting team!
(based on the comic book originally created by two dead white Jewish guys)
I mean… Need I go on…???
So now you know what a SERIOUSLY big deal this movie is. If only for its earth-shattering innovation, it deserves to be called the GREATEST MOVIE EVER, but there’s so much more to it than that.
First, the story.
I mean… WOW!!!
It has everything! Action! Adventure! Heart! Myth! Romance!
You won’t ever be bored or confused while watching this film, let me tell you. It’s so deep too. Like how the people of Wakanda stumble across this magical substance called Vibranium that allows them to build incredible cities with amazing technology. This is, of course, a brilliant representation of how technologically-advanced African peoples ACTUALLY WERE before the appearance of COLONIZERS (YUK!!.
There is SO MUCH we can learn from Wakanda, especially in the fight against Climate Change. In fact, actual scientists HAVE PROVEN that if Vibranium was real, we can end all carbon emissions by the middle of 2021!!! Seriously, how great would that be???
Also… The movie really makes you think. Like how if all of Africa had been like Wakanda - or if Wakanda actually had shared its amazing high-tech tools and weapons with its neighbors (which it never did for some reason) - then the Colonizers couldn't have colonized them and been such stupid jerks (double YUK!!!!!).
But knowing the Colonizers, they probably would've just stolen all the tech and used it against them anyway (TRIPLE YUK!!!).
Okay. Let’s face it, white people, WE REALLY DO SUCK!!!
Now on to the cast… and OMG…!!! Chadwick Boseman… TOTAL DREAMBOAT!!!
Also… Michael B. Jordan… HUBBA HUBBA!!! What a seriously gorgeous HUNK!
Half the time I was watching the movie, I was just thinking about how great it would be if either Chadwick or Michael – or BOTH!!! – suddenly swooped down in their spandex and carried off my civil union companion, Gertrude, to some romantic getaway somewhere.
They’d sit her down by a fire under the light of a tropical moon and serenade her with songs about the AMAZING soundtrack to the film. They'd eat, drink red wine, and share our hopes and dreams for how WE MIGHT CHANGE THE WORLD.
Afterwards, they’d take me to the bed, Michael holding my left hand, and Chadwick my right. They’d lay me down and tenderly disrobe me, massaging every square inch of my body, before disrobing themselves. I can just picture Chadwick’s dreamy, hauntingly beautiful eyes hovering over me. Then I turn my head and there’s Michael’s piercing, fiery passionate gaze.
We’d make love, all three of us, our bodies intertwined in perfect cosmic harmony. Chadwick is the more generous and understanding lover, reading my cues, so attentive to my every sound or gesture. While Michael is the more forceful and energetic partner, surging into me with unbelievable skill and power, giving me what I so desperately want before I even realize it myself.
Did I just switch this fantasy from Gertrude to myself halfway through?!?! (LOL!)
OH WAIT!!! I’M TOTALLY RAMBLING NOW, AREN’T I???
LMAO!!! SORRY!!!
So anyway, I hope it’s clear by now why Black Panther is the GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME.
Seriously... YOU... NEED… TO… SEE… THIS… FILM… It is so important we support Black artists right now, and we here at FlapzzFeed will do anything – and I mean anything!!! – to support Black artists.
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