top of page

Has Anyone Seen My Car Keys?

Dear readers,

You may have already heard (from whatever disreputable sources) that Part Two of my in-depth "video lecture" on the Russian Revolution has recently been unveiled. You may watch it (for the moment free-of-charge) on the "Your"-Tube video store website platform.

See enclosed:

Of course, as this is mainly an educational program, no fee will be (or can be) legally assessed. You are free to watch it to your heart's content, and I suppose a part of me hopes you enjoy it or that you learn something new. Not a very big part of me, but a part nonetheless.

However, I am writing to you all about a far more important matter. Someone has taken my car keys from the little ashtray by the door, where I keep all of my keys, including several hundred that work on locks I no longer own.

MY damn keys have been returned to that ashtray after every single use since 1962 and now. . . they're missing, taken by SOMEONE put someplace hidden... I don't know who it is... yet... but I have my suspicions. And when I find out who it is! Crimaninny! There'll be hell to pay!

I'm not deaf, you know! Don't think I haven't heard you muttering around corners...

"Oh, we really should talk to grandpa about his not driving anymore."

"Yes, it's time, I think. It's for the best."

"That car of his is so old. It's just not safe."


My Cutlass is as fit as a fiddle! Never run sweeter! Besides, everyone knows they designed them with detachable mufflers. It could've happened to anybody. That tree came straight out of the blue! It's not my fault, I tell you! Don't you make that face at me! Give me back my goddamn keys!

And even if I was somehow to blame, how dare you treat me with such disrespect!?

Just who the hell do you think you are?! I valiantly served this community 62 and 1/2 years - until my completely unjustified termination (thank you very much, Chappiqaw County School Board) - and I demand the respect I'm due!

Here, you know what? I'll make this easy on all of us. I'm going to turn around and walk into the other room for five minutes. When I come back, if my car keys are somehow magically back on the table, then I won't say another word and we can put this whole abysmal affair behind us.

If, on the other hand... my car keys are not back on the table... then I'm afraid you leave me no choice but to throw another childish temper-tantrum.

And if all else fails, I may just be altering my will tonight. I'll do it too... Don't tempt me...


James O'Flannery


bottom of page