Thoughts From My Sick Bed

Yeah, I'm sick. I'm not like - need to be in the hospital sick, but I'm definitely feeling like shit. For perspective, I'm - I can't hear out of one of my ears level sick.


So yeah, I usually don't get sick, but I am sick enough to have taken a couple days off of work.


I'm sure you're playing the world's smallest violin for me.


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My brain is dumb, so instead of just saying fuck everything - I decided to throw something together for this website.


So enjoy this collective of random thoughts I've had over the past two days, laying on my couch, doing nothing.


Many people are calling this my Jordan Flu Game, I'm not willing to go there myself, but I'll let the community decide.

 

No I don't have the oriental virus, thank God. I know I don't have the Chinese Flu because I went and got a test . . . so my children could go to school.


That's a weird dynamic - the precipitating force behind ME getting a test is so that my kids could confidently attend school with the knowledge that they're not a "close contact" to someone who has the Wuhan Windpipe surprise.


This is something that we never would've considered before - "Oh, your dad is sick? Well you can't come to school then unless he tests negative for a virus that almost assuredly won't kill any of your classmates".

Tis a sign of the times, I suppose.

 

How about the NFL?


Fuck the NFL.

If you're not aware, Raiders coach, Jon Gruden, resigned last night because the fucking NFL leaked e-mails he sent to some goober GM of the Redskins back in 2011.


In those e-mails, Gruden said the head of the NFLPA had big lips and was dumb. Not great.


He also called Roger Goodell a "f*ggot" and an "anti-football pussy".


You know what, he's right about the last part - Goodell is an "anti-football pussy".


In fact, Roger Goodell is a fucking scumbag that has done irreparable damage to the NFL. Nobody else personifies petty tyrant quite like 'Ol Roger.


Think about this story for a second, 650,000 emails are collected by the league in an investigation of the Redskins. The NFL, randomly, on a Thursday, releases e-mails, from 2011, that specifically target Gruden, who was not employed any NFL team at the time. Gruden weathers the storm over the weekend. The NFL displeased by this, so they release MORE emails on Monday, basically forcing the Raiders to fire Gruden or Gruden to resign.


The NFL has released no other e-mails from this cache of blackmail it keeps under lock and key.


This is fucked up. Fuck Roger Goodell, fuck the NFL and fuck Jon Gruden for being such a boomer that he'd e-mail such stupid things on a league owned e-mail server.


To the rest of the NFL - you better watch your step, the commissioner is a cunt and you might be the next on his chopping block.


 

Speaking of the NFL, it's telling that while watching some highlights on YouTube (I'm sick, give me a break), this commercial for vagina deodorant came up between videos:

Seriously, this commercial is attached to NFL highlights.


We get it, you're fucking ghey, now. We don't need to see more proof.



That commercial is fucking wild. The gist is that this broad, the founder, had an idea that doctors were being a little heavy handed when treating broads with stinky vaginas.


Cool. . . cool . . cool.


So what did she do? She started concocting smelly vagina treatments using her stand mixer

A tale as old as time.


She even goes on to read some testimonials from women who use her vagina de-stinkifier, including this one, from a woman who contemplated suicide because her crotched smelled like socks filled with provolone cheese (SOPRANOS REFERENCE!!!!):

Ladies, a pungent puss is not something to kill yourself over. There are a TON of horny guys out there and I PROMISE YOU some dudes probably get off on particularly yeasty smelling snatch (not me, though, gross).


Guys are weird like that, it's our curse.

 

I don't know why I even bothered to write this today. Very few people will read this blog.


Wanna know how I know? Because I can see our web traffic statistics and because this blog isn't focused on something depraved.


Basically, unless we publish blogs about tits, MILFs, Pretty Aunts, animals having sex, or inappropriate shirts with naked cartoons having sex with each other, you people don't really click on blogs.


This makes me sad.


We write a lot of good stuff that is NOT smutty. But you don't want to click on that.


Part of me understands, to be honest - you are inundated with political stuff all day online. Why come to Flappr, a website that is supposed to be fun, for more political commentary?


If you want to learn something about the debt ceiling, you'll probably go read it from someone who knows what they're talking about, not Flappr - so, touché, you got us there.


We will try and be what we were made to be - fun, with some level of commentary mixed in - that's fair.


On that note, lets look at some of the sexiest posters of chicks from the 90s and 00s:


Holy shit, Carmen Electra was an absolute smoke factory back in the day. A fantastic mix of "clearly has daddy issues and I can fix her!, I can fix her!"



This poster was on the wall of every dude's college dorm room in the 2000s. I don't know anything about it other than it's incredibly sexy, probably because of the string panties and that ever so subtle pull of the lips on the kiss. It's absolutely iconic to men of a certain age.


Marissa Miller is one of the few women where I look at her and feel like she's too attractive. Her proportions do not make sense (likely because they've been altered by a master-class plastic surgeon) and her face is so damn angelic, it makes you wonder if she was concocted in some perverted lab experiment.


Like it feels like she's soo genetically superior, that if I was to have to opportunity to copulate with her - that I'd be doing some type of crime against nature. I'd have to refuse.


She is severely underrated.


Ok, last one:

My older brother had this one, I don't know how he got it, I don't know where it came from, but it was something he acquired and it drove me absolutely bananas as a kid.


Cindy Crawford is an all-time GOAT among the women who helped turned some boys into men. Absolute bombshell body with that little beauty mark.

I'll be better soon, I hope.


Happy Tuesday and God Bless America.