It's Friday, there have been 1.3 million illegal border crossings under the Biden administration, the NIH just literally came out and contradicted Fauci's Wuhan gain of function testimony before Congress, and 363 Americans remain stranded in Afghanistan.
But the corporate press doesn't have any interest in talking about any of that, they'd rather talk to a "Sexpert" about "the most common mistakes couples make in bed", so I figured I'd break down the advice offered by a sex toy company's "in house sex and relationship expert" and give you the real low down from someone who has DEFINITELY had sex before and is, more or less, normal about shit.
First off, "Sexpert" is an absolute ridiculous term and no such thing exists. Basically, a Sexpert is a degen who has made a career out of sharing "advice" that seems derived from watching 9 1/2 weeks back in the 90s.
Americans are so oversaturated with porn too many believe that anything less than group sex, while suspended in the air with a baseball bat shoved up their ass and streaming on OnlyFans = a boring sex life. Honestly, that sounds tame compared what I see some of these degens talking about online.
Guess what, all of that shit is stupid and sucks. Be a normal person.
You don't need a Sexpert, use common sense and the intuitions that God gave you.
In fact, I'd wager that 99% of the time that anyone tries to implement advice from a "Sexpert", that person's partner is turned off.
The stuff they've suggested in this article is obvious or absolute nonsense.
Let's take a look.
Have sex out of the bedroom
So this one might be controversial, but this whole "let's fuck in the kitchen" thing sounds fucking gross to me.
Yeah, sure, it sounds hot to use your partner's body to clear the table as passion takes over - but it's fucking communist propaganda if you ask me.
I fucking eat on that table, I don't need to pick up my toaster strudel one morning and find that an errant pubey has found its way onto the frosting.
Likewise, in the throws of passion, nothing will kill the mood quicker than realizing your nether regions are covered in Cheeto dust.
The kitchen counter is the place you prepare school lunches, not the place to eat box lunch. Keep your fucking rectum far, far away from communal eating places. I think that's literally in the Bible, you heathens.
If you're so bored that you need to bump uglies outside of the bedroom, try the backseat of a car or the shower, but even those are more trouble than they're worth.
The bedroom is the place to do the horizontal mambo, no need to overcomplicate things.
Don’t make your sole goal an orgasm
This is untrue. The orgasm is clearly the goal of having sex.
Sure, you can play the "sex is a journey" game all you want, but if you're not poppin off, that journey is like going to McDonald's for a McFlurry and hearing the ice cream machine is out of order, again.
If you're having sex and not having an orgasm, you might have a medical condition or you're doing something wrong. In fact, I'd say that if your Boner Coaster isn't making a stop at O-town, you should focus ENTIRELY on trying to make that happen by ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
Don’t drink too much wine
Bulllllllshit. Drunk sex is fantastic. Now, I'm not saying you should have sex with someone so blitzed that they can't remember their own name, that's rape, brotha. I am, however, saying that being drunk turns shit up a notch by turning your inhibitions down several.
That position that you and your partner always "joked" about trying? That never happens during sober sex, but if you're three White Claws deep? Time to put those yoga classes to the test.
Don’t take sex too seriously
This is such wishy-washy, participation trophy, nonsense.
You should treat sex like you're getting ready for the most important job interview of your life - every single time. If you embarrass yourself during a session, you may never get a chance with that person again.
Would you fart during a job interview?
Would you show up smelling like a sweaty ball sack?
Would you leave before your interviewer said the meeting was over?
No, you show up and try and present the best version of yourself.
Sex is no different. Have some fucking dignity.
So there you have it, folks, a normal person's guide to having a healthy sex life. You don't need to be weird, you should try your best to please your partner and occasionally use alcohol to help (without committing rape) experiment outside your comfort zone.
It shouldn't be overcomplicated, but it should be hard (giggity).
Have a wonderful weekend, go get your freak on (responsibily) and God Bless America.