SCOTUS Must Move To Ban Purple Hair Dye; Limit Cat Ownership

As soon as the Supreme Court’s draft ruling on Roe v. Wade was leaked, Liberals were catapulting themselves down the slippery slope of “wHaT’s NeXt-ism” faster than pervs on Instagram slip into Abby Shapiro’s DMs.


The most prominent fearporn-star to mumble-rap a make-believe victim narrative was none other than Jill Biden’s husband, the completely legit and intellectually in-tact Joseph Biden.

“What happens if you have…uhhh…a state change the law saying that-that children who are LGBTQ can't be in classrooms with other children? Is that a leg…is that legit under the way the-the decision is written?”

If ol’ Malarky read the draft decision — or Flappr— he’d have known it isn’t.

“Alito specifically states that his Dobbs decision solely applies to Roe v. Wade and cannot be used to overturn any other cases (interracial marriage, gay marriage etc. . .)”  — Roe Requires Rhetorical Retcon, @ElderBartleby

Justice Samuel Alito's abortion-specific Roe ruling didn’t stop the howling brigade of wokesters from following in their great leader’s delicate footsteps by running off with the conspiracy torch.


A state legislator from New Mexico lamented the eventual ban on her interracial marriage. New York’s most famous bartender warned that not only was gay marriage on the chopping block, but civil rights generally.


Others foresaw a return to “colored” drinking fountains, the end of women's voting rights, and the prohibition of contraception as a result of Roe’s end.


The future is unwritten, as the saying goes, but that being the case, there’s hope that the Supreme Court could bless us with even more judicial sanity.


It could start by overturning other absurd “precedents” by banning non-binary pronoun-etariats from purchasing excessive amounts of purple hair dye, hoarding ungodly amounts of innocent felines, and blanketing their Priuses in vulgar bumper stickers.


While this sort of anti-catwoman bigotry would indeed set the country back 100 years, few could argue that the decadent and debaucherous ’20s of today is in any way superior to the dynamism of the last century’s Roaring Twenties.

"You were right, this is much better than sitting at home with my cats and my new blonde hair is super cute!"

We understand the risks of this type of cultural correction. Aposematic coloration serves the same purpose in the wild as it does in modern society. The attention-deprived purple hairs with their piercings, torn clothing and clown-painted faces make American cities look like a movie set of Mad Max, but these markings of toxicity warn the rest of us about the dangers of getting too close.


Which is exactly why change is needed. The marriageability of the overeducated and underemployed Marxist types would greatly improve if SCOTUS did us a solid by banning self-inflicted bodily desecration and intellectual debasement. The experiment of turning our unskilled youth into victims has failed.


If SCOTUS wants to preserve the union, it would immediately move to abolish the Department of Education, the Fed, welfare and public housing, the Ministry of Truth, and every other federal program that has grown into a leviathan of extra-constitutional waste.


And it would order the immediate erection of a big, beautiful wall.


After all, now that it looks like abortion has been sent back to the states, the liberal justification for open borders is completely unnecessary. Since 59% of abortions are performed on POC birthing people, overturning Roe is a win-win for the pro-life and pro-diversity crowds alike.


It’s time we got serious about Making America Great Again, and that means moving beyond the milquetoast “MAGA” movement and embracing MEGA MAGA, a new dawn in the greatest country on earth, where BMI is measured at the voting booth and XL yoga pants are burned in a pyre like the bras of the 1960s.


Our best days are ahead, if SCOTUS will have the balls to make it so.

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