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MILFs vs Pretty Aunts: The New Forever War

I can’t help but notice a lot of pro-MILF propaganda coming from Flappr lately. But as is typically the case with the fake news, you’re only getting half the story.

Obsessing over MILF’s is so played out. It’s boring. Enough!

But luckily, there’s a new category of attractive woman that’s hitting the scene: Pretty Aunts (or "Paunts", if you will).

What's a Paunt? Well, show me a woman with a bunch of nieces and nephews, and I’ll show you a woman who’s just straight up PRETTY.

Looks like SOMEONE had a growth spurt, I wonder if everything grew proportionally :-)~~~~

And while Paunts are superior to MILFs in just about every conceivable way, in this paper, I will lay out the 11 most convincing arguments. By the end, you’ll be thinking “MILFs SMILFs!”

Reason #1: Aunts just want to have fu-un!

MILFs, invariably, are moms. That’s the whole point! Moms make you eat your vegetables and never let you wear your Undertaker t-shirts to church. That is NOT what I call sexy. But aunts? They’re so carefree. They go barefoot outside. They wear homemade jewelry. They smoke cigarettes in the shed. Aunts!

"You're my nephew's friend, aren't you? Wow, you're all grown up and studly now, huh? Wanna do meth with me?"

Now, before I go any further, I should probably acknowledge the rumors and get out in front of them. My enthusiasm for Pretty Aunts has led many TROLLS to the mistaken belief that I am sexually attracted to ants, the bug.

Which is soooo stupid.

This is a bug, not a pretty woman with nieces or nephews! No thanks, NOT interested.

The words aren’t even spelled the same. ONE TIME I accidentally forgot the “u”. ONE TIME! But no one with an actual brain really thought I meant that bugs were pretty.

But you know how trolls are, and I have them in droves.

I’m tempted to just ignore them, because the best way to slay trolls is to not give them the attention they so desperately desire. But at the same time, I don’t want to unilaterally disarm and let them destroy my reputation. So all things considered, I think the best approach is to confront these rumors head on.

One joke the trolls LOVE to make is that if I’m so attracted to ants, then that must mean I have a penis small enough to engage in lovemaking with ants.

Talk about an unlikely scenario!


There has NEVER been a human penis that small in recorded history. It’s just so far beyond human biological limits as to render this insult NULL AND VOID! Next!

I mean, there is NO plausible way in which sex with ants would be gratifying.

Sure, you could sprinkle bread crumbs in strategy areas and let the ants do their thing. But would this even feel good? Let’s just say I’m EXTREMELY dubious.

I can just hear the trolls now: “Looks like you’ve given this a lot of thought! Har har har!”

Well, congratulations, you just played yourself, my friend. If I hadn’t played Devil’s Advocate, I would be accused of playing dumb. So you’ve revealed your attempt to make this an unwinnable game. My own personal Colbytashi Maroon.

But you got caught.

You thought you were playing an intricate game of chess, but you didn’t realize all of the pieces were made out of spiderwebs. So now, instead of people saying, “Look, it’s the guy who has sex with ants,” they’ll say, “Look, it’s the TROLLS who got caught being unfair.”

And you’ll probably just smirk and say something like, “Whatever, ant-f**ker.”

To which I’ll respond, “You know’re a real piece of work.”

And even though I will have won the exchange HANDS DOWN, it will still ruin my day. Because I’ll know that I’ll never be able to escape these rumors. If someday I make a documentary film and get nominated for a local Emmy, the judges will think twice before giving the award to someone who lives in such a cloud of suspicion.

It makes me not even want to bother trying to win a local Emmy. And that’s the real crime here. How these TROLLS can just poop on everything around them without even caring. It’s sad, really. Pathetic. You know...honestly...I just feel sorry for you.

Even though I’m the one people should feel sorry for.

You know what? Screw this. Screw you.


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