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How To Prostitute Yourself For Twitter Bucks

On July 13, Twitter unveiled a revenue sharing program whereby tweeters can cash in on their user-generated content based on its impressions and engagement.

The criteria are simple:

  • Be verified and have a Stripe account connected to your Twitter.

  • Gain 5M tweet impressions or more per month.

People who received payments began sharing their payout numbers and some of them were impressive. The two weirdly asexual but also very sexual Krassenstein brothers made around $20,000 for the month. Your dear author does well, but not twenty large a month well.

With this new gold rush afoot, it seems a public service to give you all the best paths to financial success on this new Twitter.

Option One: Outlandish Bombast

This will be my path.

I intend to make a new account with a new phone number, and populate it with pictures of a highly attractive woman, whom I will generate with AI.

Meet Emma Cauhill.

At this point, the AI generated cleavage of Emma will automatically have people's attention on Elon's Hellscape, and that's when the work begins.

I am going to say absolutely outrageous nonsense. Although most of my work on this site has long since been archived, long time Flappr readers will remember that I already frequently walked right up to or over the line of appropriate discourse.

Prepare to see that line obliterated.

Every insane conspiracy. Every offensive thought. Every outlandish flittering idea that can come to my head. If it can rile up a base, I'm going to say it via my mask persona. Ancient Aliens and Secret of Skinwalker Ranch will have nothing on the absurd stuff I will say. The Southern Poverty Law Center will create a new category just to describe how ridiculous my rage farm is.

Emma will never apologize and always double down. She will always obfuscate. No matter how absurd, stupid, or even flat out evil, Emma Cauhill is going to say it.

And then I'll ditch my alter ego and take all my Elon Anger Bucks straight to the bank to get a Rolls Royce. I'm thinking gold with real mahogany trim and seats made of silk.

But, perhaps you're not so willing to compromise morality and Western Culture as I am. Perhaps you don't want to get rich off of somehow managing to poison the discourse in this nation even further than it already happens to find itself. (And I will do this. It'll be like throwing a silo of kerosene into the Cuyahoga River and then lighting matches.)

There are other options.

2. Option Two: Tweet incessantly.

This is a really easy option for a lot of Twitter users, since most of you already seem to spend most of your waking hours on here.

Just tweet all the time.

Hell, set up a bot to just automatically tweet stuff all the time. Don't make them ads or crypto pushers, though. Just have them tweet really banal, blase stuff all day every day.

For example:



Thoughts like that. You just want to hit impressions. Millions of utterly forgettable, mind numbing, useless impressions.

But maybe turning Twitter into a further useless repository of inanity is not your cup of tea. There's a third option.

Option Three: Create Meaningful, Engaging Content.

This is a stupid option.

It is a lot of work.

  1. It requires people to be intelligent, thoughtful, and reflective.

  2. It requires time outside of the actual creation.

I cannot stress enough that this is a terrible idea. Everyone wants to be the next star. The next it person or influencer.

This is delusional. Just grift like everyone else.

Why would you want to strive to create a lasting legacy which perhaps shapes the nation's discourse and creates a better world than the one you found when you could just be a parasite and live off the decay of civilization?

Stupid, honestly.

Hopefully this has given you some thought as to how you are going to get your Elon bucks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Emma isn't going to generate herself.

1 Comment

Jul 21, 2023

Cleavage gold is real

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