Folks, I am not going to lie I was really up in the air as to who would receive this year's Biggest Balls of The Year Award.
So many choices, Joe Biden, that Ukraine guy, Vladimir Putin (the king of Zero Fucks given,) Jennifer Lawrence (the first female action star,) Elon Musk and the list goes on.
*Drumroll* This year the prize goes to someone with actual testicles. . . . I am proud to award Flappr's 2022 Biggest Balls of The Year Award to none other than . . . Sam Brinton!
*Crowd Roars*
This absolute nonsense of a person, this pile of glittery horseshit in heels, was out there living they/them's best life.
Great job. Parties. Money. Accolades from folks in the alphabet community for repping the "free to be you and me" lifestyle.
They/Them had the world by the short and curlies if you will.
All of that winning caused they/them's head to swell (look at that egg, folks, ridiculous) and apparently caused they/them's cogliones to grow as well, because they/them dragged those monsters right through the fucking airport and (ALLEGEDLY) stole someone's goddamned luggage, like nobody was going to notice they/them.
The absolute balls on this motherfucker!
They/Them didn't steal a lipstick from Ulta, or a pair of socks from Saks. They/Them is not a nondescript walmart shopper shoving a family pack of steaks in they/them's grey sweatpants. No this obvious, ostentatious, easily recognizable son of a bitch (ALLEGEDLY) walked right up to the baggage claim and took somebody else's shit.
Cameras everywhere.
Systems in place to track luggage.
An airport full of people.
That takes balls. Big, probably glittered and bejeweled, balls.
I don't think for a hot second that they/them thought nobody would ever know either, I think they/them's balls grew to the point where they/them thought that they/them was insulated against consequences for they/them's crimes.
They/Them's balls convinced they/them that everyone would chalk it up to the quirkiness of a dude that wears a ballgown (you see what I did there) and a beard with blue eyeshadow and looks like a contestant on the $1.98 Beauty Pageant.
How do I know this?
Because they/them did it more than once. They/Them took someone else's luggage from at least two airports - that we know of (they/them could have been doing this for years).
They/Them's reason for taking it: they/them was tired and thought the bag was they/them's, despite the fact that they/them had not been traveling with any checked luggage. WTF? BALLS!
They/Them's reason for not returning it: they/them was afraid someone would think they/them stole the luggage. Jesus Christ! They/Them was caught on camera removing the ID tag from the suitcase and rolling out with it, literally stealing.
BALLS!
Now for the height of ballsiness, another drumroll please:
They/Them used the luggage on another trip. Oh yeah, they/them straight up took the bag to they/them's fucking house, repacked it with they/them's own dresses and jewels and makeup and took they/them's ass to the airport as pretty as you please.
BALLS!
I am sure they/them's friends and supporters are comforting they/them with mimosas and brunch, and despite losing they/them's cushy government gig, Sam Brinton will probably not have the book thrown at they/them, lest court personnel be labeled as anti they/them's.
I just hope that when they/them's does go to court, everyone keeps an eye on their bags when passing through security.
I also hope that we can all learn a lesson from this as well, NEVER CHECK A BAG at the airport, there could be a big BALLer nearby.