There’s a famous thought experiment that begs the question, “If you could go back in time, what period would you visit?”
The idea is that the interviewer can discover something about the person based on their answer. Most people say things like “Ancient Rome,” or “France during The Enlightenment.”
One might surmise from such answers that the subject adheres to tradition or is curious about the roots of human progress.
But not me. No sir. While I am indeed both of those things, my return trip would be a short one. Specifically, to December of 1969.
Not to witness the Summer of Love or any of that hippy bullshit, mind you, but to castrate Mario Cuomo before he could seed his youngest son, and Flappr.net’s 2021 “Fredo of the Year” award winner, Chris Cuomo:
History is great and all, but I have little doubt that today’s America would more closely resemble The Jetsons if we could have somehow prevented Fredo from happening.
For those unfamiliar with the term “Fredo,” it’s an insult taken from a character in The Godfather that has come to define Italians of low skill or intelligence. And one that particularly upsets the former CNN anchor:
As shitstain website Vox puts it: “Fredo, the middle son, is the weak link, an insecure womanizer who tries to help out but keeps sticking his foot in his mouth.”
I don’t know if Cuomo is unfaithful to his wife or not, and don’t care, but the guy has an unbeatable track record when it comes to being an absolute jackass.
When he wasn’t pretending to be a journalist on his poorly rated CNN show, Cuomo spent the early days of the COVID pandemic hunkered down in his basement, allegedly sick and setting an example on how to protect others. In reality, however, he was out and about assaulting his neighbors.
In fairness that was in 2020, but the black sheep of New York’s second-most notorious crime family really threw things into high gear in 2021.
Most notably, Mr. Muscles was caught red-handed using his position and connections at CNN to help his embattled brother and, at the time New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, fight back against countless accusations of unwanted sexual advances. (Fredoness, it seems, runs in the family, as the now-former Governor managed to escape charges on the murder of thousands of elderly by placing COVID patients in nursing homes and then covering it up when the feds came knocking).
Come to think of it, I think I’d set the time machine to a few years prior to 1969 and snip Mario before he gave birth to either of these cretins.
But back to Chris, who had the absolute fucking nerve to conspire to take down the courageous and adorable Janice Dean, whom he referred to in text messages as “that Fox weather bitch,” for loudly and proudly criticizing his lying brother.
A sicker mind we may never find. Unless, of course, we look at Cuomo’s staff.
In a rare episode of media justice, Cuomo was fired in early December after his efforts to help his brother disparage his victims became impossible to conceal.
But the worst was yet to come, as shortly thereafter it was revealed that Cuomo’s long-time CNN producer and friend, John Griffin, had allegedly been grooming mothers online to surrender their very young daughters to his most perverse sexual fantasies.
Per the New York Post:
“A veteran CNN producer who worked ‘shoulder to shoulder’ with ex-anchor Chris Cuomo has been fired after it was revealed he bragged about luring girls as young as 7 to his home for ‘sexual subservience’ training, the network confirmed.”
We can only hope that John faces justice for the atrocities alleged against him.
As much as I despise the entire lineup at CNN, Chris Cuomo has managed to achieve next-level dirtbaggery, and for that he has more than earned the title of 2021’s “Fredo of the Year.”
And while we may have missed the opportunity to remove his father’s testicles, it’s never too late to ridicule our nation’s douchiest media personality.
I believe I speak for the entire Flappr newsroom when I say here’s to hoping Cuomo’s 2022 is somehow shittier than his 2021.
And that your 2022 is your best year yet.