top of page

Flappr's 2021 Biggest Balls Of The Year Award

So many times over the course of this year I have said out loud to myself "The absolute balls on this person!" Its almost hard to discern who may be the winner.

Is it the jag off who on the daily backs his damn truck into the parking spot next to me after lunch so closely you can barely slide a potato chip between my car and his, despite the fact that there are at least seven empty spots with plenty of clearance available?

Is it the guy who got in his got damned car and drove to my office to waste 40 minutes of my time because his bill went up by SEVEN cents?

Is it the waitress at the diner where I had lunch recently who works 20 hours a week that complained about having to reschedule her massage appointment? I'm 50 years old and I have never had a massage in my life.

Is it my boss who keeps saying, you should take a weekend trip to here, I think you and #bhe would enjoy it," and then doesn't pay me enough to take a trip to Taco Bell for lunch?

These are all viable candidates, for sure - but this year the Biggest Balls Award goes to The Rona Destroyer herself, Lori Lightfoot.

To be fair she almost won last year for going to get her kitchen cleaned, while the rest of the country was banned from salons and barbershops. She defended that by saying she is the face of the city and has to be on national news ergo, the rules don't apply to her.

That took a lot of balls, considering we have all seen her and we know trip to the salon is not going to help.

But this year she proves to be the gift that keeps on giving, after refusing help to get her crime ridden city under control last year, she decided to double down on stupid and blame the looting on *checks notes* THE VICTIMS.

Oh yeah, Beetlejuice went all in and asked what Nordstrom was wearing. If Louis Vuitton had too much to drink. She declared that retailers were to blame for all the looting, because they didn't keep an eye on their stuff:

"We still have retailers that won't institute plans like having security officers in their stores, making sure that they've got cameras that are actually operational, locking up their merchandise at night, chaining high-end bags. These purses can be something that is attracting a lot of organized retail theft units," yeah, she actually said that. It is indeed the fault of purses that armed organized bandits are roaming the streets of your city. People are going right the fuck out of business because of purses.

Now I frequently get caught creepin on my #besthusbandever, because frankly he's a total smokeshow, and I always say "be less hot and you wont get stared at." I of course am joking.

But Lori Lightfoot, Mayor of the perpetual gunfight that is Chicago, Illinois, in all seriousness told the people she is supposed to protect and serve that if they don't want to get robbed, they should lock up their stuff.

You know like these folks did:

Looters are breaking through windows and walls, wandering through stores with weapons and grabbing every thing they can carry, they've been doing it for more than a year, and Lori says they should try locking their doors at night.

Lori thinks, in her infinite wisdom as a former FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, that a security guard is going to stop a horde of looters.

The fucking balls on this broad.

In Illinois there are very specific rules about who can carry a gun and when, and despite the fact that guards can indeed be armed, the average salary of an ARMED (that means card carrying, extensively trained) guard is just over $35000 per year.

These thieves are organized, they operate in packs and they move quickly, security guards, armed or not cannot stop them, and quite frankly if I was a security guard I sure as fuck would not put my life on the line for the cost of a used Birkin Bag.

Shit, you could literally make more money as a cashier at ALDI, in a non-looted area.

Speaking of dollars, how can retailers, especially small, independent ones, afford to hire security guards, when their profits are walking out the door every day. Not to mention that they pay taxes, that are supposed to be used to protect them with police, and the National Guard if necessary.

I don't know about you but in my opinion it takes some giant brass ones to blame the victims of crime for being the victims of crime, especially when you were offered help and you shat on the opportunity to keep your citizens safe and your city's economy intact.

But fuck all that, right? You guys are getting robbed? You should probably think about locking your doors and stuff, or maybe don't have stuff, then there wont be any stuff to steal.


bottom of page