“Every Friday, I assume people will tire of this. Every Friday, people do not tire of this.”
I’d like to think that the popularity of the weekly Cloth Off video is due to the reliable simplicity of men and their unyielding fixation with boobs, but let’s face it: everyone loves boobs, myself included.
And when you add that catchy Cloth Off song to a milk wagon of an intro? You’ve got yourself some internet crack.
I find myself singing the Cloth Off song every Thursday night in anticipation for the Friday morning release. Then the sun rises, the tweet drops, and the dopamine rush begins.
Cloth Off Fridays have now become a hardwired, weekly routine for us all and I fucking love it. As a Cloth Off addict and unofficial Chairwoman of the Big Titty Committee, I’ve been asked to rank THE top 5 favorite Cloth Off intros.
Number 5: Big Red 1 [“The Bridesmaid’’]
This chick may be a filthy redcoat but Lord Jaysus does she have a set. I think the bridesmaid dress story is probably bullshit—because let’s be honest, no bride wants to be upstaged at her own wedding, especially by her big-titted bestie—but you can’t deny that dress looks great on her.
If she really did get to wear that showstopper to her friend’s wedding, I hope she wore it with pride.
Number 4: The Siraj Takeover
Do not adjust your screens. That is indeed Siraj Hashmi, taking over your phone. I’m sure your first thought involved hostages, explosives, or a list of demands, but it turns out he just wanted to remove some cloth for Friday. And while there is a severe lack of nipple tassels on those hairy pepperonis, I do appreciate a dude willing to join the Cloth Off movement.
I don’t negotiate with terrorists, but I would with that one.
Number 3: "The OG"
It’s grainy, it's poorly cropped, it's the original, it's Coca-Cola Classic and it must be in the top 3. The only thing I dislike about this intro is that the original video is her crying into a camera about how much she hates people noticing that she’s got huge tits. I did think it was funny how AT&T went from showing her full body, to hiding her behind a counter, to now only showing her head in commercials. Lame.
Give the people what they want! Milk’s done that body good!
Number 2: Paige [“That Just Looks Better”]
She’s just so great. I’m jealous that she can actually play golf with those giant fun bags. I can’t do it—I turn into an angry green rage monster and lose all control. These days I just stick to driving the golf cart, drinkin’ beer, and looking cute. But you know what? Paige is 100% right.
Showing a little cleavage doesn’t change who you are. It really, truly does just look better!
So unzip that shirt a little. Pop a button or two. Embrace what God (or your plastic surgeon) gave you! #AllBoobsMatter
Number 1: TMFINR
Honestly, I’m still on the fence about this chick. At first I thought she was just mixing pills and booze on the tarmac and losing her shit--she seemed legit crazy. But after her identity was released (and her thirst trap Twitter account was quickly created), I’m starting to lean toward this all being an elaborate hoax.
Either way, I get the appeal.
She’s got a cute face, a nice midsize bod and is not afraid to maybe get tackled by an air marshal. Dudes dig that (apparently). Regardless of hoax status or not, her iconic phrase has entered the online lexicon and captivated millions. She’s an instant classic and her entire freakout flows so well with the Cloth Off song. Plus she’s got strong sideboobie game. A+
Honorable Mention: Trump cuts in [“vagina”]
I would be remiss if I forgot to pay tribute to this little gem. Thanks to that random CNN town hall, we all received auditory confirmation that Trump pronounces “China” and “vagina” exactly the same. The fellas at Flappr found the perfect way to splice this into the Cloth Off video and it’s pure gold. Bravo.
With more Cloth Off videos being regularly created, I’m sure this list is subject to change. Until next time, though, you all know the drill: Chin up, shoulders back, chest out, and cloth off!