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2021 Gardener of the Year Award

Last year, I awarded the Gardener of the Year award to Antifa, for their work on the C.H.A.Z. Garden in Seattle.

We’ve come a long way in the world of Dystopian Food over the course of 2021. As we reflect on that progress—and our current food chain is most assuredly a triumph of the progressive spirit—we must ask ourselves: What is a garden?

A garden is a place where food is grown, traditionally vegetables, or a place where flowers are raised. What is assuredly part of a garden is that some or all of the material created there is edible. In that sense, can we not have gardens of meat? Can we not have pork orchards, beef fields, and meadows of freshly raised lamb or duck?

Are butchers not, in some cosmic sense, merely the purveyors of freshly gardened meats?

In that spirit, we must turn our attention to the winner of this year’s Gardener of the Year Award.

Jen Psaki.

Mrs. Psaki, more than anyone this year, has tirelessly and successfully pushed for the consumption of one of America’s most iconic pieces of produce: The Hot Dog.

Ding Ding Fries Are Done.

This past summer, in an attempt to give her boss a win headed into Independence Day, Psaki touted that hot dogs were 16 cents less than they had been the prior year.

This is, of course, per package of eight hot dogs, so the actual cost per hot dog saved was about two cents.

This may not seem like much, but let’s look at how Mrs. Psaki’s tireless work can benefit the average American.

The median American wage reported is abut $65,000. This figure changes a little based on what data you look at, but $65,000 is a good, ballpark number for us.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says the total aggregate price increase for 2021 was five percent. Personally, I think it’s higher, but we’ll go with this. If anything, it will help Mrs. Psaki appear more demure.

This gives the median American household a cost of living increase of about $3250. Think of what you could do with that money.

Now, to calculate the number of hotdogs one would have to eat to break even on this deal, we need to calculate the following: CoL Increase/Savings per Hot Dog. This is expressed numerically as 3250/.02. The number we get is 162,500. So, on our 162,501st hot dog, we’d turn a profit on this new economy we find ourselves in.

Mrs. Psaki’s tireless efforts on behalf of Big Hot Dog are deserving of this award.

Gardener of the Year

2020 – Antifa (for the C.H.A.Z. Garden in Seattle)

2021 – Jen Psaki (for tireless promotion of Hot Dogs)


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