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Your Week As Told in Gifs from The Office

As a millennial (ugh, I'm so old!), I don't have a wide swath of cultural references. I have only read 3 books in my life, Harry Potter one, Harry Potter two and most of the last Harry Potter book (I just decided to watch the movies instead and it was WAY easier). Likewise, I don't watch much TV - but I do watch The Office on my laptop.

In FACT, I literally CANNOT go to sleep unless I have The Office playing in the background. I basically have the show running at all times throughout the day, while I shuffle around my 400 sq ft apartment in the Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn, NY.

Moreover, since I assume that everyone is exactly like me - (i.e., someone who went to J-School at Columbia, has an absurd amount of student debt, does not own a car, does not know how a wrench works, calls himself a "cat mom" and designer sneakers make up 2/3 of my total net worth) I figured the best way to recap your week would be to share some stories as explained by GIFs from The Office.

1) Donald Trump was impeached this week. 10 Republicans, including Liz Cheney, daughter of Dick Cheney, voted in favor of impeachment. You know, I used to think that the Cheney family were atrocious war criminals who sent thousands of Americans to fight in foreign wars based on false pretenses, all in the name of trying to experiment with their long standing political ideologies. For whatever reason, I have new found respect for the Cheney family now. I wish the Republican party was literally all Liz Cheneys.

Since I live alone, I recreate this scene with my cats on a regular basis.

2) But Donald Trump will not be removed from office until after his term ends because Moscow Mitch is Putin's puppet and will not convict Donald Trump of his OBVIOUS guilt without giving him a "trial".

The "right to a fair trial" is literally proof of systemic racism and if you disagree you're a bigot.

3) The EXTREMELY hot guy who played the Winklevoss Twins in that Facebook movie was accused of drinking blood and wanting to BBQ and eat his ex-girlfriend, which I thought was kind of not cool, but also kind of romantic? I mean if we all started eating people, nobody would starve and we'd get rid of all the farting cows, right?

I'll be honest, I never actually understood this joke.

4) Politico allowed LITERAL jewish nazi, Ben Shapiro, write a blog for their website and it TRAUMATIZED their newsroom. If FlapzzFeed had done the same, I would've literally thrown all of my bosses in camps as punishment.

The only way to quell fascism is with reverse-fascism, which is still just fascism, but when we do it - it's in the name of ending fascism - so it's cool.

5) Republicans are POUNCING mad that Kristen Clarke, Joe Biden's pick to head the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division. said this back in 1994: "Melanin endows Blacks with greater mental, physical and spiritual abilities—something which cannot be measured based on Eurocentric standards." I mean, I literally LOL'd when I read this HIT PIECE, because what Dr. Clarke (I assume she's a doctor, whatevs) said is LITERALLY true. Too bad racist white people (i.e., not me) are the real bigots for not being able to accept that some races are genetically superior to others.

Dwight was always low-key creepy, but if you imagine him being a closet power bottom - his entire story arch makes so much sense. Seriously, re-watch the show and assume Dwight just wants Michael as his unicorn and you'll cry, like I do, every single night.

6) AOC (Yaaaaasss Qweeen) showed how compassionate she is by considering the possibility that "the only way that our country’s going to heal is through the actual liberation of southern states". She is just so amazing. I mean I assume by liberation she means "putting people from the southern states into gulags to re-educate them", which seems like more than they deserve, but serves as further proof that AOC is forgiving and might literally be Satan (which to me, a Satanist, is the highest compliment one can offer).

I always wanted to give myself a nickname like Andy (the "Nard Dog" ) Bernard did for himself. My name is Barnaby and I started calling myself the BarnarDog but the kids at my prep school just punched me in the stomach and kept calling me "kid who shit his pants in Spanish class".

That's all I got for you this week. Remember that if you're a cis, white, heterosexual, male, you're irredeemable and literally everything is your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I wish Stanley was my dad. Or my daddy. Stanley would've been better than my actual dad who I've stopped speaking with after he voted for Biden in the primaries. He knew I was Warren-Warrior and he refused to vote for her despite my threat that I'd commit self-harm if he did not comply. I hope my dad reads this and knows I still haven't forgiven him.


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