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What is OnlyFans and Where Can I Buy Tickets? Also, Video Update

Dear readers,

After reading the Flappr internet publication yesterday, it has come to my attention that there is something called “OnlyFans” available on the world wide web internet network, and I must say, I am highly intrigued.

There's gotta be a support number somewhere around here...

As I understand it, for a nominal fee, I can arrange to be in the “digital company" of a talented performer, who will perform an assortment of “digital routines" for me upon request. Do I have that correct? I’d be much obliged if any in the readership could contact me with further information if this understanding is faulty.

Which brings me to my next question. What is the appropriate ticketing body that controls access to the OnlyFans “digital performance lounge”? Is there an OnlyFans kiosk similar to the GeekSquad at BestBuy? This would be highly convenient for me as there is a BestBuy not more than two miles from my house. Walmart, in fact, would be even better, but maybe they’ve partnered with a different “digital performer” company.

Finally, I’ve heard a rumor that OnlyFans will soon be discontinuing a certain "genre" of performances on its online web platform. Is this rumor true? And if so, will they be offering any kind of going-out-of-business sale?

Yes, Hello, I'm looking to buy a ticket for an OnlyFans admittance. Do you sell those?

I trust these questions are clear and straightforward enough. Thank you in advance for all your assistance. Unfortunately, I can’t ask my grandson for advice on this matter, since he’d likely blab about it to his grandmother, and the less she knows about this the better.

Also we haven’t been on speaking terms since he butchered my meticulously researched Good Thing, Bad Thing video lecture in editing. What was once a penetrating expose into the tumultuous dynamics of the French Revolution has since become a Frankenstein’s Monster of lame jokes, dubious scholarship, and frankly offensive innuendo.

I am officially disowning it. You heard it here first. I had nothing to do with this infantile trash! Do you hear me? Nothing!

Here I slave away to bring you ungrateful youngsters something edifying and illuminating, and some clown runs off and adds all sorts of moronic “gags” and “spoofs” and whatever-the-hell-else you call them. I'm not sure who's responsible for this travesty, whether it was my grandson, or this publishing concern, or both, but the whole thing stinks to high heaven.

Watch this garbage at your own risk. You have been warned...


James O’Flannery


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